Tuesday, September 20, 2005

World Records

For me to go on record as saying that many of the world records we read about or hear about in the news are odd, at best, and probably not even worth wasting time in learning would come as no fucking surprise to anybody.

Bravo, assclown, you've just made a revelation! World records are sometimes weird?!?!?! Stop the fucking presses, Michael has made a most brilliant discovery!

Shut up.

Somewhere in Serbia a new record has been set for the world's largest hamburger. How big is the burger, you ask? Well, the fucking thing weighs in at about 62 pounds or at about the combined weight of the Olsen twins.

It's shit like this that bugs me. The world's largest hamburger weighs 62 pounds? Why is that even considered a hamburger? Who the fuck is going to chow down on a 62 pound hamburger? Does he want fries with that clogged artery? Okay, okay, I get it, you've made a giant fucking hamburger and it's pretty much impossible to anybody to fit in an above average mouth. Even the biggest fucking mouth in the world (Joan Rivers according to The Michael Appleby Book Of World Records) couldn't get that down and since it's Joan Rivers she'd probably self-induce vomitting shortly thereafter. The point is, though, shouldn't a hamburger technically be considered something that one person could eat in one sitting, possibly two if he takes part of it home in a doggy bag or shit like that? Anything more than that transcends the hamburger status and becomes...well, I don't know what the fuck it becomes, but it's too fucking big to be a hamburger.

If that can be considered a hamburger I'm just going to slap two sesame seed buns on either side of a fucking cow and call that shit a hamburger, extra rare. There's your world record, bitches, hundreds of fucking pounds depending on how big the cow is.

See? See how fucking obscure and pointless some of these records get? Why the fuck would anybody need to know this?

And the especially sad part is that there are people who get paid way more money than I do to sit around and measure all these world record hamburger attempts and put it down in some fucking book for a year before somebody goes Oh fuck, I can just dump three jersey cows into a giant woodchipper, make a patty out of that shit and voila, my name's in the fucking book. Then the whole process of me getting pissed off about this kind of stuff making the news starts again as the world record people go to some obscure town to verify the existence of a three jersey hamburger and to weigh it all out. And since nobody can eat it because it's too fucking big they'll probably just toss it out in the garbage after a few weeks after it attracts flies by the thousands. And if you listen closely you might just hear the stomachs of, literally, millions of people who can't get a fucking quarter pounder with cheese in their countries.

But at least we have that world record hamburger to ponder for another year.


jordan said...

What you don't seem to grasp is that society could not advance were it not for break-throughs such as these. While the everyday person may not appreciate a 62 pound hamburger, we will all benefit from what science has learned from said hamburger. Very few of us will ever travel on the space shuttle, but the shuttle advances have immeasurably improved commercial air travel. We may not all need an organ transplant, but we probably know someone who has at one time needed a blood transfusion. I don't know anyone with a super-computer, but the advances made in that field have allowed me to have access to the information superhighway in my home. And so it will be with this giant hamburger. Now that our finest hamburger scientists have created this titan, all hamburgers will become larger. I may not be able to order a 62 pound burger, but a two-pounder can't be far away. After that, the possibilities are endless! Super-sized fries the size of a large milkshake. A large milkshake the size of a jumbo popcorn. I can't even comprehend how large the jumbo popcorn will get. Truly these are amazing times we live in. This is a great day for all mankind.

Arbusto said...

62 lb hamburger helping advance to 2 lb hamburgers? Certainly is useful with all the obesity running around. I'm glad.

Did you see the world record last week for the most eggs stood up? I don't even remember how many it was. It was worthless. He almost had two records: most stood up and most stood up in an hour. Hip hip hooray!

Michael said...

We need more efficient ways of killing ourselves like Jordand and Arbusto said. Thank heavens we have bold adventurers to take on tasks like building 62 pound hamburgers.