Friday, April 21, 2006

Classic Michael Appleby

11 Days until 10,000 Days.

Here's the poem that I performed this week at the Raving Poets show. It was written back in September of 2003. It's one of those poems that was written, performed maybe once or twice around the time of its construction and was kind of lost in the shuffle. It was nice to have a chance to dust it off for the RP audience since I had no need for their votes this week, having secured a spot in the six top vote-getters going into next week's big finale show. Enjoy.

she’s letting down her hair in dark curtains
a perfect contrast to the stark white of her skin
and the skinny skeleton she makes
becomes more woman
and she’s whispering to me
but i can’t make out what she’s saying
and that’s okay
because it’s a triumph of intimacy
over any need for coherence
the nape of her neck thrown behind a veil
the smell of her jasmine ripe on her wrist
telegraphs from rho in her hip pocket







the curl of her tongue as she’s mouthing the words
slowly deliberately







because i might miss the glisten
of the soft act
of wetting her lips
or a quick almost undetectable spasm
in the musculature above her right knee
the lazy preoccupied dangle of the tip of her foot
and the silent speculation of









Thursday, April 20, 2006

Still Believes In Posting

12 Days Until 10,000 Days.

Walking back to my car along Whyte Avenue after the poetry reading at Yianni's Taverna I found myself looking into the various storefronts that I was passing along the way. As I passed some shop that sells bath and beauty supplies I think (you know, one of those shops that if you walk into it your olfactory will explode) I noticed a sign hanging in the storefront window reading, and I quote verbatim: Still Against Animal Testing.

And a couple of thoughts came to me just then as I read that sign.

First of all, when the fuck did they start doubting their position regarding animal testing? To hang a sign stating that they are still against it means that at some point they probably held a board meeting of some sort to see how they felt about animal testing. At that meeting it was decided that the company was still against it, but I think that there had to be a moment of limbo or two in which the decision could have gone either way.

Secondly, a sign that reads: Still Against Animal Testing is clearly hanging there to characterize the store. Sure, you could shop at those other bath and beauty product stores, but we're the one that is against animal testing. And this kind of made me angry because it's rather presumptuous to set yourself apart as the store that's against animal testing. How do you really know that all the other stores are lining up to club puppies and throw kittens against brick walls in the name of bath and beauty products? You don't. In fact, I think I would make it a point to shop specifically at a store that hung a sign reading: Still Believes In Animal Testing just because it's the unpopular position to take. Fuck, I would even tip every staff member at a store with a sign that read; So In Favor Of Animal Testing That You Can Come Right In And Test The Animals With Us Just For Shits And Giggles If You Want because places like that probably don't make a lot of money and if society is ever going to conquer the plague of corporate imperialism we have to start by supporting mom and pop opperations like Seal Clubbers Inc. and the Rabbit Eyeball Injections For No Apparent Reason Other Than We're Totally Fucking Insane Footwear Boutique And Buffet.

Finally, I came up with a edit for that sign that would have clarified things considerably: Still Against Animal Testing, But Still In Favor Of Deforestation To Make Stupid Fucking Signs To Make Our Moneylust Look Ethical. I suppose it's thinking like this that has kept me from being a successful entrepreneur.

And I suppose that if we chopped down all the forests to make stupid fucking signs to state the obvious then the animals that we're saving by not performing inhumane tests on them won't have any places to live, which means we'll have to keep them confined and overcrowded in cramped cages. If that's the case then we might as well just perform the stupid-ass tests because what the fuck else can we do with them taking up all that perfectly useful room in our cages?

Tuesday, April 18, 2006

The Return Of Placenta Chic

14 Days until 10,000 Days.

Reading Fark today I came across a couple of interesting articles with one thing in common: placentas.

First off, a story out of Hawaii. A couple is currently embroiled at odds with state officials over a law that prevents parents from getting the placenta from their children after the children are born. Apparently the law does not currently allow for parents to have the placenta. The couple in question wants to plant their newborn's placenta with a tree because it represents some sort of spiritual symmetry.

Plus it's been scientifically proven that there's no fertilizer like human placenta. It's an old farmers' trick of the trade, really. Everybody in agriculture knows that if you want high yield on your crops what you have to do is take a one ton truck down to the dumpster behind the hospital and load up on placentas because for some reason crops just love that shit. The first job I ever had, in fact, was placenta wrangler. Yep, those were some good profitable years, elbow deep in fleshy sacks. Yum.

But seriously, folks. Why the fuck is this even something that gets legislated? If I worked in a maternity ward and somebody wanted to keep their child's placenta I'd have no trouble with it whatsoever.

Say, mister, we have this kooky thing where we're making draperies for our apartment out of the placentas of all of our children. Do you think you could find it in your heart to let us have our baby's placenta so that we can carry on the tradition of having really smelly curtains that make people not want to visit us ever?

Sure, I was just going to throw it out into the dumpster out back for the placenta wranglers to have, what the fuck do I care if you want to take what is ultimately garbage to me?

But no, in Hawaii, they have legislate that kind of thing because somebody in that state really likes to collect placentas.

The lesson then is that if you're pregnant and you have some sort of plans to make a cardigan sweater out of your fetus' placenta, don't give birth in Hawaii. If you give birth in Hawaii and you're desperate for that placenta sweater you might want to log into eBay and start bidding like crazy because Hawaii sure as fuck isn't going to give you any placentas for free. They don't care who you are.

And then you have Tom Cruise. Now, most people, when they think Tom Cruise, they think picture of perfect mental health. In keeping with his spotless record of not looking like some sort of superfreak, Tom Cruise has stated that, as per the church of Scientology's rules about placentas and umbilical cords, he will eat the placenta and the umbilical cord of fiancee Katie Holmes' soon-to-arrive baby.

What does this have to do with anything?

Well, I bring this up as part of an elaborate entertainment news headline. Katie Holmes Will Not Be Giving Birth In Hawaii. Now that's a scoop, Entertainment Tonight! Take that!

Because, surely, if the state of Hawaii won't let you plant a placenta with a tree they probably won't let you douse it with ketchup and tartar sauce before chowing down on it either. So put away your fork, Tom, if you're planning on jetting your fiancee off to Hawaii for a Scientology sound birth process.

And don't even get me started on eating placenta. I may have been a placenta wrangler for many profittable years, but never once did the thought occur to me, "Damn, this shit would make a good casserole!"

Monday, April 17, 2006

Finally The Proof That Religion's Been Waiting For

Before I begin, 15 days until 10,000 Days hits shelves

Click here.

I've broached the subject of religion before, but never with a lot of depth because it's a difficult subject to get into really. It's nothing short of enthralling watching the world evolve around scientific advances and seeing the evolution of religion to accomodate those scientific advances. Just when you think that religion has had the last nail driven into its coffin, they adapt their stories to keep themselves relevant to their followers. What's more is that organized religion is still a powerful force in this world despite all of the advances we have made as a species.

Anyway, enough bullshit. The big head-to-head battle in the world with regards to religion is spirituality versus science.

Now, for me, the big problem is that religion's heavyweight champion, the number one poster boy has never materialized to disprove science once and for all. What's odd is that God, the heavyweight champion I allude to, is omnipotent, all-powerful. If God wants to put the smackdown on his opponent it's no big deal, he just bats his eyelash, if deities have eyelashes, and kapowza, you're a corpse! All these years, though, science has been making with the trash talk and the God camp has been pretty much powerless to counterattack because God has never actually materialized long enough to say, "Hey bitches, stop talking smack before I turn your mamas into newts!"

So, then here it is. The WWE, World Wrestling Entertainment for the uninitiated, has plans for God to not only materialize, but for him to face WWE President Vince McMahon in a match.

What gets me, though, is that the religious leaders seem to be against the prospect of God stepping into the ring against Vince. You see, for years science has wanted proof that God exists. Well, there you go, assholes! He exists and he's going to kick Vince McMahon's ass! You'd think that anything that shows God as being capable of wrestling would be welcomed by the church. But nooooooo... Some guy could see a burn mark on a burrito that looks like Jesus if you tilt the burrito just right and the church is all over that saying that it's definitive proof of the the existence of God, but when God wants to beat up Vince McMahon suddenly it's sacreligious.

Is the church afraid that God can't beat up Vince McMahon? Could it be that wrestling is fake? Naw, that can't be it.

But here it is, folks. What I really want to say, if the people who write the storylines for wrestling want to have Vince wrestle God, what's the real big deal? If your god is going to smite anybody who makes a mockery of him what's it going to do to hurt you? In fact, if God did smite the wrestling writers for having him go toe-to-toe with Vince wouldn't it be a great way to say, "I told you so." Secondly, having been an avid viewer of pro wrestling for the better part of my life I can't see God's appearance being a regular thing. As a wrestler, God will probably go the way of the Gobbly Gooker (look it up if you must). 98% of sane people acknowledge that the goings-on in wrestling are scripted for entertainment purposes. Are you really concerned that those 2% of people who believe it's completely real are going to believe that Vince could take on a deity in a wrestling match? Are those 2% the kind of people you want to have in your religion? I didn't think so.

So just let them do what they want to do and if they get smited, roast some marshmallows over their burning carcasses.