Go To Hell, Tic Tacs!

Tic Tacs, man. Fucking Tic Tacs.

For a while there was this thng that kind of upset me on the subject of Tic Tacs, but I could never quite put my finger on it. Recently, though, through an intense session of meditation and self-discovery, I finally arrived at that one intangible that was bothering me all these years.

And you know what it was? The two fucking calories per Tic Tac.

Every Tic Tac is two calories. Every Tic Tac is two calories.

I'll let that sink in for a minute.

Every Tic Tac is two calories.

Why in the living fuck would anybody give a shit?

I mean have you ever been out with your friends and you go to offer one of them a Tic Tac and they politely refuse your offer, saying, "Oh, no thank you, I simply can't allow myself to have one. I'm trying to watch my figure. Those two calories would go right to my hips." Have you? Seriously?

Think about it, you're there and you're probably just finished commenting, "Holy fuck, Jim, your breath smells like you just did a line of rimjobs for people with explosive diarrhea! Have a fucking Tic Tac before I have to vomit from having to talk to you!" And then, Jim, fresh from the rimjob factory, or wherever he works (he probably puts on a hardhat and safety goggles before work each day), has the nerve to say, "Thank you, but not thank you. If I eat one of those breath mints I'm liable to need new coveralls." In some cultures punching Jim in the face after hearing and smelling him say such a thing is not only perfectly acceptable, but also legally necessary.

And when you watch one of those daytime talkshows on the topic of human manatees, those people who are so morbidly obese that in order to get out the front doors of their houses they have to hire contractors, how many times have you seen the host of the show ask, "To what do you attribute your massive girth?" Then, while turkey legs and/or gravy seeps out from their massive jowels, they say, "Tic Tacs. Lots and lots of Tic Tacs. I could never have fresh enough breath." That never happens. You will never see that on a daytime talkshow. They could round up every one of those people who can no longer walk of their own volition and ask them that same question and I can guarantee you that not one of them will offer up Tic Tacs as the main culprit behind their planet-crushing size.

So then, bearing that in mind, why the fuck do the people who make Tic Tacs insist on mentioning in their commercials that there are only two calories to every Tic Tac? It's a moot point. Tic Tacs were never meant to be some kind of minty-fresh meal replacement. You don't go to fancy restaurants and order Tic Tacs off the healthy choices menu. They're fucking breath mints! You suck on them so that people don't pass out around you, suffocating, starving for air that doesn't smell like ass.

So, people out there who are going through the whole moral dilemma of whether or not you should have a Tic Tac because it might affect their weight and/or figure, fucking forget about it. Go hog fucking wild with the Tic Tacs. You probably burn two calories just sucking on the mint in the first place.

I mean who came up with that marketing scheme in the first place. "Hey Morty, you know what would be a great selling point for our line of breath mints? How low in calories they are!" Yep, because if there's one thing that people split hairs over when it comes to the right breath mint for them it's the fucking caloric intake.

I should develop my own line of breath mints that are just mint-flavored cubes of bacon fat. You know, for the people who want a healthy alternative to being so obsessive about counting calories.