Friday, January 06, 2006

Won't Somebody, Please, Think Of The Hoodies?!?!

Okay, first off, let me start this off by saying that violence isn't cool. I know that the "cool" people's propaganda machine has made it out to seem that boot-fucking a fellow human's skull is somehow "hip" or "righteous," but try to think of it from the perspective of the person being boot-fucked. Now does it seem so cool?

Speaking from experience I can remember many instances from my youth in which I faced a lot of peer pressure to commit acts of violence.

"Come on, Michael. Let's go club that old lady with these 4 month old baguettes!"


"Gee, Michael, wouldn't it be swell if we tried to take on that whole playschool class walking down the sidewalk in a battle royale to the death? Come on, I'll go get my ass-whomping boots!"

Certainly, there were other instances, but I'm just naming some of them off the top of my head. I mean, they were some nice "ass-whomping boots," but that doesn't justify pummeling a couple dozen playschool kids.

Okay, Michael, where the fuck are you going with all this? You're rambling is making me want to go pull my ass-whomping boots out and whomp your ass! Wow me for fuck's sake.

Okay, okay, Mr. Impatient. Here it is.

Click Here.

Oh, those wacky Britons! Anti-crime crusaders have lambasted this French company for producing a hoody that can zip it's hood all the way over and convert into (gasp!) a ski mask. Why? Because “It might look good on a ski slope and keep you warm, but it would look terrifying in any British street late at night.”

But this is where I really need you to click that link. The images contained in the article are copyright to the Sun and I certainly don't need the Britons lambasting me next for reproducing their images. Doesn't the guy wearing the hoody look like a Luchador? His professional wrestling name could be El Camo Pinto! And his finishing move could be a sort of half-swaton-bomb, half-fall-off-the-top-rope-because-the-mask-has-poor-visibility-and-scream-oh-fucking-blimey-I've-soiled-me-luchador-knickers! That would be quite the move, trust me people who aren't familiar with pro wrestling or its moves. It's a move that I just made up off the top of my head and I have it copyrighted in case you were interested in starting a lucrative career in the field of pro wrestling and needed a finishing move.

But now I'm rambling again. Back to the task at hand...

Seriously, though, what the fuck? You're upset because when the hood is zipped up all the way it can be used to conceal the identity of an attacker? Seriously, that's what the fucking problem is?

Newflash: there's a lot of shit out there that can be used to conceal the identity of an attacker! Lots of shit! If an attacker wants to conceal his/her identity that badly there is always a way. It doesn't take a fucking hoodie to suddenly turn somebody into Mr. Incognito, Rapist-At-Large! It's like you think that the gene that makes people evil somehow also makes them fucking stupid.

Well golly gee-whiz, I could never go on that massive murder spree that I've always wanted to go on because nobody made a hoody that not only kept me warm, but concealed my identity as a mass murderer. Now with this hoody I the puzzle is complete and people can die! Thank you French company who makes these hoodies!

Does that really happen? Come on, really? I hate getting all rhetorical on your ass, but sometimes it's necessary to prove a point.

Tonight that point is this. It's not the clothes that make the man or woman or whatever a criminal. It's the fucking crime that makes the criminal! If you're so concerned about stopping crime stop fucking around with French hoody manufacturers and start focusing your attention on criminals!

Besides, and I hate to really mention this because I'm not what you could call a fashion expert, that hoody is pretty fucking silly looking. I don't think this is going to be the next big thing in fashion. I doubt that there will really be that many people who wake up and say, "Holy shit! I want to look like I'm into the whole bondage culture, but I really don't want to have to contend with the chaffing of tight vinyl." That being said, pointing a criminal out who accosted you wearing such a silly-looking thing should be pretty easy. Just look for the big fucking zipper running up the middle of his face!

Thursday, January 05, 2006

Good Night Dr. Layton

R.I.P. Irving Layton

Irving Layton's homepage

The Real Sin City

Click here.

An article in the Detroit News, which is by far the most clever name for a newspaper ever, has labeled Windsor, Ontario as a sort of hedonistic hotbed of sin and numerous vices. I mean think about it, just across the Canada-United States border from Detroit perfectly legal sex-for-money escort services and Cuban cigars can be had. This, of course, is brought to the forefront as men flock to Detroit in time for Super Bowl XL. And, all of this, of course, upsets the mayor of Windsor.

All I have to say about this is: Why?

Oh, boo-hoo, some media in Detroit have called my city, MY CITY, the Super Sin City because escorts here can legally fuck you for money, we sell Cuban cigars, our beer isn't American, and we have strippers dancing like there's no tomorrow. Oh, woe is me! Whatever will Mommy and Daddy think of my beloved city if all we have are escorts, cigars, beer, and strippers.

Rich! That's what, you stupid moron. Fuck, if my city was being shunned for its sex and cigars just in time for Super Bowl you better believe that I would start an ad campaign singing the praises of sex and cigars just for all that American testerone bag male tourist money. I'd be on television as much as possible in Detroit yelling, "Come up north, fellas, we have all the Cuban cigars, sex, Canadian beer, and strippers you could possibly want! This is the fucking place to be Super Bowl week!" There would be strippers and escorts getting each other off with Cuban cigars in the foreground, in the background. Hell, a couple of them would probably be using some sort of strap-on Cuban cigar dealy they'd refer to as the Cuban Strap-On Crisis. Above all else, though, you hear them moaning over pints of Molson, "Cum to Canada! Cum to Canada! Oh God, yes! Cum to Canada!"

I guarantee you that Super Bowl week would be a week of economic boom in Windsor thanks to horny tourists visiting Detroit for the Super Bowl.

I mean what the fuck is the big fucking deal? You have sex-for-money escorts, tons of strippers, Cuban cigars and beer that isn't watered down to the point of being Perrier with a Budweiser label. Not a word of the article is a lie so why get all bent out of shape about it? There are fucking hundreds of thousands, maybe millions of dollars to be made from American men looking for their jollies come Super Bowl week and suddenly you want your city to be seen as some sort of bastion of high morality and fucking family values? Who exactly votes people like you into office?

Ewwwwww! Ewwwwww! Tourism profits! Get it away! Get it away! Ewwwwww!

I guess it all just goes to show you that politicians can be idiots as much as everyday people like you and me.

Tuesday, January 03, 2006

The Dawn Of The New Year

First off, let me start off this post by saying Happy New Year to you, my readers and regular visitors. May 2006 bring you all the joy and success that is humanly possible.

Secondly, I apologize for the relatively quiet December I hadwith regards to keeping this blog regularly updated. I had an actual busy holiday season this time around. It was kind of nice. Now that things are slowly, but surely, settling down a little bit I can get back into a routine that is comfortable and productive (hopefully).

So, anyway, I thought that I would write a little bit about some of the resolutions that I have made for myself this year. I know that most of you probably think the idea of making resolutions is kind of corny on my part since I'm such an outside-of-the-box kind of thinker, but it has been my experience in the past that resolutions can work.

This year, then, I resolve to...

Write More Often- with so many projects on the go between this blog, my poetry, Sometimes Sinister, and my attempt at a novel which I call Chicken Little: A Novel so far, it's definitely hard to physically sit myself down and write any of this on a regular basis given the demands of my life outside the page.

Stop Reading So Much Junk Publications- junk publications, you ask? I mean stuff that doesn't make me feel enriched after reading it. Even really bad books can give a guy a little bit of enrichment, but what I'm referring to specifically are men's lifestyle magazines like Maxim, FHM, and Stuff. I'll admit that sometimes there are bits and pieces in there that make me laugh, but, as a whole, they do little but make me sad because I wasn't reading something with more to offer, I spent too much money for such a trifle of a publication, and I'm addicted to them for some reason. I always get asked if I get them just for the pictures of starlets in states of semi-undress, but that's not it at all. I could go online and get fully nude women all the time if that was the selling point. I think I'm more addicted to the yuppie male lifestyle that this publications champion. More than half of each issue of those magazines is built around trying to sell you something. It's not just the ad space either, which there is alarming amounts of, but a lot of the regular features are parades of gadgets, the latest offerings from the entertainment industry, and the latest fashions. Why? So that you buy into it all. That's why most of the stuff is even referred to with a price point. Maybe I just like to fantasize about owning Burton's Audex Bluetooth jacket ($600), or a bottle of Navan cognac ($39), or the Bowflex Revolution ($2,399). Sad part is is that all the items I just mentioned all came from one article; it was just a parade of stuff I could buy. Part of me is going to miss the parade of consumerism I think. Sigh.

Get In Shape- okay, okay, this one is the resolution that just about everybody makes. Truth be told, I'm not in that bad of shape, but I definitely could be in better shape. I was visiting the gym quite regularly throughout most of 2005 until basketball season started and I started spending more time on the hardwood, but now I need to put forth the effort to not only keep playing basketball, but start going to the gym during those basketball weeks for weight training. I also want to eat a bit better. I want to gain some weight, but I want to gain healthy weight.

Well, that pretty much wraps up my small list of goals for this new year. I figure that if I make them known it will help me keep them because people can always start asking me how my resolutions are going and I definitely want to make progress then so as to not look like a failure.

Once again, Happy New Year and I'll be keeping you up to date on all kinds of shit in 2006. Kick ass!