Friday, May 26, 2006

The Bottom Ten, May 2006

10.) Capatin Obvious- Click here. And click here. The media has become aware of MySpace. Apparently, MySpace is a haven for sexual predators and terrorists. Gasp! Newsflash, fuckheads in the media, I bet all of those same sexual predators and terrorists have probably been to Google too! Oh my god! People of all kinds use the internet! I even have sneaking suspicions that terrorists and sexual deviants have access to email and telephones! How's that for scary news, morons?

9.) Energy Drinks- I haven't had that many energy drinks since they've become so popular so I'm not speaking from a huge amount of experience here, but is there one energy drink that doesn't taste like cat piss? Not that I know what cat piss tastes like, but come the fuck on. Every energy drink I've tried tastes terrible. I think it's that putrid fucking taste that gives people the real energy. Sure, you can blame it on the caffeine all you want, but that fucking taste alone will wake me up every time because immediately I need to clense my palate with something that doesn't make me fucking gag.

8.) Fucking Taxpayers' Whining- Okay, I know that I'm a taxpayer and I'm whining with this one in a way, but click here. 72-year-old mayor exchanging water bill discounts for sex? Fucking rights! I say that if you've put in the work to become the mayor of some shitwater-burg you should be well within your right to give out water bill discounts, sex or no sex. Not only that, but the geezer is 72 fucking years old, any woman who is willing to fuck him should get a water bill discount and a fucking sympathy basket for having to try to get off while looking at pasty old man flab riding you like some sort of palsy-ridden life-size statue of skeletor wrapped in a sheet of cookie dough. I don't know where the fuck I was going with that simile either. But fuck! 72-years-old! He probably had to have his viagra on some sort of IV drip and his personal nurse there to encourage him on:

Good job, sir. Awwwww, who's got a stiff wee-wee? That's right, it's Mr. Mayor! Be gentle with her, sir. Who's a stud? Who's a stud? Peek-A-Boo!

7.) People Who Talk To Geezers Like They're Toddlers- I know that when I hit the twilight of my life I sure as fuck don't want some hairy-moled nurse babbling at me like some kind of drooling fucktard. Just change my geezer diaper and get the fuck out of my sight. I want to watch daytime talk shows and bitch about celebrities all afternoon and you're cramping my style.

6.) Congress- Click here. Can't leave MySpace alone, can I? Apparently not. Neither can Congress. Seriously, though, it's one fucking site on a network of millions. It's like trying to bulldoze one part of town because a few bad people have been there. Bad people have been everywhere and we can't bulldoze the whole fucking city. Why not put more effort into proper education? An informed child is a safe child.

5.) Paris Hilton- She's definately an easy target, not only for me, but for anybody. Easy, that is, that target. Click here. Anyway, she apparently has a video game coming out. If there's one thing that should get the video game geeks of the world to buy that product it's the chance to be like Paris Hilton. All video game geeks would kill to be her. I'm all ready looking into pre-ordering that shit right up because I've always wondered what it would be like to be useless.

4.) Tampon Commercials- Okay, I've resigned to the fact that women have periods and, as such, there are corporations who have the tampon for them. Naturally, when you have shit to sell you need television commercials. But have you ever noticed how the women featured in the commercials are never appear irritable or moody? I'm no expert on women (amen to that, brother), but last time I checked quite a few women get irritable and moody around that time of the month. I'm not saying you have to have a thirty second commercial with a woman yelling at the cameraman that she's bloated, but, at the same time, don't bullshit the world into believing that all your customers are walking on cloud nine. But, then again, maybe I'm wrong. I'm no expert on women. And seriously, do you need that many commercials? They're all over the airwaves!

3.) The Beer Shortage- The outlook is getting quite grim around here? Have you made your pledge yet? If things keep up we'll have to resort to (gulp) hard liquor.

2.) Barbaro- The sports world was rocked by the news of racehorse Barbaro getting surgery done to repair broken bones in his ankle. I think this is clearly a marketing opportunity missed. Do you know how much you could ask for a bottle of glue made from Barbaro? A lot. I can see why you want to keep him alive for breeding and whatnot, but fuck, that would be some expensive glue. Think of the possibilities, people!

1.) Clueless Columnists- Click here. I'm all for the legalization of prostitution because it's easier to regulate who and who does not participate in the sex trade. This columnist suggests that legalization won't happen because the fun of prostitution stems from the fact that it's illegal. That's pretty dumb. If breaking the law was really the fun part of prostitution why would one go out of the way to spend money to break the law? People can "walk on the wild side" for free by breaking other laws. Steal a car. Pirate a stack of CDs. Go on a killing spree. You can call sex the fringe benefit all you want, but in reality it's the product for sale.

Wednesday, May 24, 2006

A Desperate Cry For Help

Click here.

As many of you know I live in Edmonton, Alberta, Canada. In fact, I've lived in the Edmonton area for all of my life. As such, the professional sports team that I follow most closely is the Edmonton Oilers.

Now, there may be a few of you out there who follow the National Hockey League with some interest. There are probably a few out there who follow it marginally, say, when they talk about scores on the local news or they catch headlines on the sports page. Then, there are probably a few of you out there who don't even know what the Edmonton Oilers are, what hockey is for that matter, where Canada is on the map, and, hey, what's that thumb doing up your ass?

Anyway, it's playoff time in the National Hockey League, and the Edmonton Oilers are going deep in the playoffs for the first time in a long time. It's been exciting watching the whole city rally around the home team. The air is electric. It's refreshing to watch Edmontonian riot in celebration with fellow Edmontonian. Edmontonians getting pepper-sprayed and stabbed with Edmontonians. The paradox of a huge ball of chaos, unified around a love of hockey and the Oilers.

Now, if you read the article I linked above you will see that our fair city is in a critical situation. The beer supply is running out. I never thought I would live to see the day that a beer loving burg such as ours would ever find itself running low on beer.

So I'm posting this with the hopes of calling out to all of Edmonton's neighbors, not only in Canada, but abroad. We need beer. Lots of it. Stat! If you have beer to spare please donate. For the cost of only pennies a day you can help ensure that Edmontonians will continue to revel in beer-fueled mayhem throughout the NHL playoffs and beyond. The city your money can help destroy may just be our own. Please donate.

Operators are standing by.

Please give.

Seriously, though, I couldn't be prouder to be an Edmontonian right now, riots or no riots. Kick some ass, Oilers!