Saturday, July 01, 2006

I'm Sure This Matters

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A movie that is getting set for release, "Facing The Giants," is being bitch-slapped by the MPAA (the Motion Picture Association of America) with a PG rating because it was rife with religious content.

And the movie's makers? Pissed off.

Why are they pissed off, you ask? Well, the MPAA rated the movie PG instead of G. PG implies that there is material in a given movie that would require parental guidance whereas a G rating implies that any simp can go watch the fucking movie and there's absolutely no danger of being warped from the experience. As you can tell I was raised watching many G rated movies.

So there's the flap, the legal squabble. You have two sides splitting hairs over PG and G ratings.

Okay, picture it, if you will, you're a 5-year-old kid out on the town with your best buds, cruising the mall and picking up hot-looking toddler chicks and then you decide, Holy shit, dude, we should totally hit up the multiplex because I really need a darkened theater to put the sweet, sweet moves on this three-year-old nympho! So you go to the theater and, because you're only five fucking years old, you have a decidedly reduced choice of movies that you can get into. On one hand you could probably go to see "Cars" or you could go see "Facing The Giants" except that.... Oh what the fuck, man, that fucking movie's been slapped with a PG rating. We're going to have to sneak into that one! Fuck! And then, by that point, your plans of sneaking into the steamy PG rated movie as opposed to, say, its G rated counterparts, has taken so long that the three old nympho that you met at the food court has left to hook up with somebody who is old enough to get into PG rated movies with the parental units. Aw fuck! When will the MPAA ever learn?

Now, did you notice anything wrong at all with the previous paragraph? That's right, the last two sentence should have been italicized to keep in tune with the internalized voice I established before. Oh, and also there aren't many five-year-old fucking kids who cruise the fucking mall looking for three-year-old nymphos to hook up with at screenings of a PG rated Christian movie! It should pretty much be a given that if you aren't old enough to get into a movie by yourself you're probably going to be accompanied by an adult, thus satisfying the silly requirements of the almost entirely bullshit rating we know as P-fucking-G. In this day and age you mean to tell me that there are parents who would let little children just blithely wander into darkened movie theaters all by themselves when they're not old enough to get into PG rated movies on their own? With MySpace users and other sexual deviants comprising 73% of the general population? Are you people insane?

You're splitting hairs on a fucking rating that is useless. Way to go morons. I'm sure there will be a ton of parents who are going to be holding their kid's hand outside the multiplex looking at the movie poster and seeing that demonic PG rating and going, "Hmmmm, I wonder if little Sally is going to want to see a religious movie about a football coach or if she would rather see an animated movie about talking cars."

"Any strong or mature discussion of any subject matter results in at least a PG rating," Glickman said. "This movie had a mature discussion about pregnancy, for example. It also had other mature discussions that some parents might want to be aware of before taking their kids to see this movie." the whole religious persecution was just a figment of the fundamentalist right wing's imagination. Those stupid idiots. All along they were crying persecution for their religious beliefs, but they failed to make a note of the fact that when the subject of pregnancy comes up in the movie there might be more than a handful of little five and six year olds who want to know about the mysteries of life, love, and donkey punching.

Do I intend to see the controversial "Facing The Giants"? No. And it's not because the religious themes don't mesh with my sensibilities. It's because it just doesn't sound that interesting to me, which I am suspecting is how a lot of little kids are going to be seeing this movie, especially when you put it next to movies about talking cars and forest animals with witty retorts to everything that comes their way.

Religious persecution indeed.

Friday, June 30, 2006

The Bottom Ten, June 2006

10.) Window Coverings- Civic politics, man, civic politics. Euclid, Ohio, is finally tightening the thumb screws on those fucking asshole dickheads who hang blankets and bedsheets in their windows as window coverings. Those fucking monsters! I think it's about time some town council somewhere in the world whipped out testicles big enough to bring a law against this tasteless, vulgar display of interior decoration. I can just imagine the courtroom crammed with lawyers trying to defend these amoral, sick, sadistic window covering fuckheads. If I were living in Euclid, Ohio, I would definitely be one of those people willing to let rapists, murderers, serial jaywalkers, and child molesters rule the streets just so long as those hideous, hideous bedsheet-hanging pissflaps are finally, finally brough to swift and decisive justice. Hang the fuckers! And, yes, I do, in fact have a blanket hanging in my window, but that's I fled Euclid. I'm an outlaw and an exile. Fuck you!

9.) Menudo- Didn't the 80's end 16 fucking years ago? "If I wind up the next Ricky Martin or Marc Anthony, that would be great!" he said with a winning smile. Wow, that would be great! Holy shit! I take it all back about Menudo, folks. I mean, I thought that by saying that the 80's ended 16 years ago it meant that the shitty music of Menudo should have been over 16 years ago too, but then I had to take into consideration that Menudo launched the careers of not only Ricky Martin, but also Marc Anthony. Well shit, now I have to stand corrected because the 80's didn't just end 16 years ago, they should have been erased en masse from the collective human memory banks because we're still paying for our mistakes of letting Menudo fester in that decade like a cauliflower head of genital warts that also sings obnoxious pop music. Sorry, I was just looking for an excuse to use the analogy of a cauliflower head of genital warts and Menudo, for some reason, fit that analogy well. I mean Menudo does sound kind of like that STD we caught back in the 80's and we're still trying to forget. Looks like it's flaring up again.

8.) Bong Laws- So let me get this can't break into a tomb and decapitate the corpse that rests inside of it so that you can make a bong out of its skull? What the fuck is the world coming to when you can't desecrate a grave for the purposes of smoking weed, man? Fucking fascists!

7.) Age Of Consent- And then you mean to tell me that I can't cruise junior high schools looking for sweet, sweet poon tang with a 14 year old girl before going to desecrate graves so I can make a bitchin' bong out of a decapitated human skull? Are you guys trying to make a joyless robot out of everybody? Seriously. I had my heart set on doing the daytime talkshow circuit of Maury Povich and Montel Williams when they do that "Human Skid Mark Has Knocked Up My Daughter And Decapitated My Grandfather's Corpse" topic. They do that topic like once a week, but still. I had my eye on making a career out of bongs and banging 14-year-olds. Sigh.

6.) Britney Spears The Magazine- Britney seems to finally be at work on getting her own regular publication to newsstands everywhere and it's about time. If there's one thing that has been dominating my thoughts over the past number of months and leaving me sleepless over many, many nights it's that the former pop princess has yet to set the record straight regarding her marriage to K-Fed-eroo-dawger-snipesta or whatever the fuck that hillbilly she married is named. Yep, issue after issue of reading about the dynamics of the relationship between two of the most phony, one-dimensional celebrities out there. There is a god. Holy fuck, there's still time to get on board with a lifetime subscription to that one!

5.) Rush Limbaugh And Viagra Appearing In The Same Paragraph- Rush Limbaugh was caught in possession of somebody else's Viagra prescription. Limbaugh joked aout the search on his radio show Tuesday, saying Customs officials didn't believe him when he said he got the pills at the Clinton Library and he was told they were blue M&Ms. He later added, chuckling: "I had a great time in the Dominican Republic. Wish I could tell you about it." Ewwwwwwwwww! Does anybody else feel compelled to drink a cup of bleach when they imagine Rush Limbaugh with a Viagra hard-on? There are times when I think there are certain people who are so sexually unappealing that it should be a criminal act for them to engage in anything remotely sexual. Rush Limbaugh probably has to take Viagra because he gets to see himself naked. That would kill Michael-Jackson-In-An-Elementary-School-Strength Erections.

4.) The Food Shortage In Germany- Food is at such a premium in Germany right now what with the World Cup going on that Victoria Beckham can't even afford a sandwich. Okay, seriously, I think she's disappearing. I think that the world needs to intervene and start sending Germany emergency supplies of food lest the British affluent wither and die. We need a fucking Farm Aid concert or something.

3.) Ten Years Too Early- Ashlee Simpson to pose for Playboy? Not yet! I don't know who fielded the offer of $4 million to Vanilli Simpson to pose, but they forgot that the rule of thumb for pop princesses is that they don't pose until ten years after people have forgotten them. This fucks things up a little because this news keeps the lip-syncher in the spotlight into the 16th minute. So I don't know if this is a good thing or a bad thing. On one hand it keeps Ashlee Simpson in the news (if you call declining an offer from Playboy news) meaning I have to hear about her, but on the other hand it means that I won't have to see her nude in the pages of Playboy, which I read strictly for the articles and witty cartoons. So it's a mixed blessing.

2.) Getting Old- I really felt old tonight because I went to see the Wilco concert at the Jubilee Auditorium. The Wilco show itself didn't make me feel old. What made me feel old was the Jube. Fuck that place has changed. Not only that, but it's located right near my alma mater, the University of Alberta, and fuck that place has changed as well. Just walking from the parking lot to the Jube gave me a bit of a trip down memory lane because I used to park behind some of the dorms at Lister when I was still going to school what seems like eons ago. Sigh. Fucking age is catching up with me.

1.) Rush Limbaugh- Wasn't this pervert all for the impeachment of Clinton? I think that thinking about Rush Limbaugh having sex has given me a sexual disfunction.