Saturday, November 04, 2006

To The Men And Women Who Take Sex Offender Photos:

Click here.

I thought that I would bring this little story to your attention tonight because just before I logged into my blog to make a post I was checking my MySpace account to see what kind of action is happening down at everybody's favorite social networking site on the internet. So it seems appropriate. In more ways than it seems.

So anyway, the story I linked to revolves around a man in the U.S. somewhere (the article doesn't clarify where in the U.S. because why would anybody want to know the whereabouts of a registered sex offender?) got arrested after updating his MySpace profile to include his sex offender registry photo. So? you're probably thinking. Well, if you're a sex offender and you want to have a MySpace profile you have to register your internet ad for poon with the police.

My first reaction to reading this article is that he must have one fucking sweet-ass sex offender registry photo. I mean think about it, you could get a picture of yourself from anywhere. Paying to have photos digitized is rather cheap these days. Fuck, even buy digital cameras and or internet cams is cheap. You could have photos from just about anywhere, really. And this guy? Well, he thought that nothing says, "Come to poppa!" more than the photo that is on his file with the sex offender registry. Which either means this man is an huge fucking idiot or that the photographers at the sex offender registry are doing too good of a job when they are at work.

Okay, Mr. Sassy Sex Offender, there's this bad boy in you that I just know is waiting to come out for me. Have you ever done any modeling before? You look like you know your way around in front of the lens. Now, give me lots of attitude! Give me your "I'm a bad widdle boy" face! Ahhh, that's it! Brilliant! Now give me the sexy sex offender. The sex offender who's not afraid of what the man has to say about his sexual preferences. Wow! You're blowing me away! You surely must have done some modeling before this. Listen, I'm putting together a little photo exhibit, "The Sex Offenders of New York State" up on the internet and your shoot has to be up there! I simply must have you! You are just too hot!

So then after that photo shoot with the sex offender registry our guy goes home and decides to join the internet phenom MySpace and what better photo to have that really captures who he is than the photo from that Sex Offender exhibit? And then, boom, it's back to jail with him!

It kind of made me laugh actually.

But seriously, sex offender photographers out there, you don't have to pull of miracles with the pictures. They only have to say to me, "Don't have sex with this person." That's it. Obviously, you're going above and beyond the call of your duty and this man felt compelled to include your work with his MySpace profile. So just cut it out. Make it more utilitarian. Who would want to use some kind of mugshot for a MySpace profile? Just give us mugshots. That's it. Leave the artistic stuff to all the people who aren't sex offenders.

Why is this pertinent, though, you ask? Because I had a friend request in my MySpace queue tonight and the profile that requested me to be on another friends list was deleted before I could approve or deny the request. So Bubba, if it was you who was trying to add me and then the police deleted your account before I got to your request, I just wanted to personally say, sorry, but I can't accept the offer to join your friends list as it clashes with my anti-pedophilia philosophy.

I just thought I would let you know.

Wednesday, November 01, 2006

The Bottom Ten, October 2006

10.) Cyberbullies- Click here. If you read the linked article (it's quite short) you'll probably be alarmed by the growing trend of cyberbullying. What I like about the article is how they said, "Cyberspace bullies can strike from anywhere and can steal a child's pride instead of lunch money." Oh no, not my pride! Anything but that! Whatever will I do if my pride gets stolen? "While the act of bullying is nothing new, the cyberbully has certain advantages over the traditional bully." And, while the cyberbully gets to use people pride to buy things like shiny sports cars and big fancy boats....What? Wait, what do you mean, "Um, Michael, people's pride doesn't buy anything at all." Well, fuck me up the ass. You mean I just took out my very first mortgage using all that pride I horded from all those years spent in Internet Relay Chat making fun of sucka-fools and it's pretty much useless? Fuck!!! Damn you, technology! When will pride replace money as acceptable currency for big-ticket purchases? Never? Fuck you! Also, while the cyberbully enjoys "certain advantages" (conveniently, none of them are actually listed) they also suffer a horrible, horrible disadvantage when it comes to dealing with their bullying victims. Victims or cyberbullying, read this next part carefully. When you are confronted by a cyberbully there's a little X at the top right hand side of the window where your bully is attacking your from, if you click it he/she no longer has access to your precious, precious pride, which should leave you enough to take out a mortgage of your own....oh, wait, I forgot, your pride has no actual measured value. Damn you, internets!!!!

9.) Bob Barker's No-Nudity Clause- Click here. So most people have probably heard the news that soon-to-be-83-year-old Bob Barker, the cryptkeeper-like host of The Price Is Right is calling it a career.

He said he'd take on a movie role if the right one came along, but filmmakers, take note: "I refuse to do nude scenes. These Hollywood producers want to capitalize on my obvious sexuality, but I don't want to be just another beautiful body."

Obvious? Refusing to do nude scenes? Good luck trying to get work in the film industry, Bob. Gah!

8.) The Impractibility Of Bleach- Why can't somebody invent a bleach that will safely erase grotesque images from the brain without killing a guy?

7.) Really Bad Ideas- Click here.

6.) AMC Commercials- American Movie Classics channel has a great number of commercials featuring soundbites from random yahoos talking about all the various minutia they love from their favorite films. And I watch these commercials and I think, "Oh wow, I would love to watch these movies right now because, man, they sound so fucking awesome." Why is this on my Bottom Ten? American Movie Classics never play any of these movies that the people in the commercials are raving about! Fuck! They should just have a channel where people rave about movies 24/7 and have it be just an elaborate infomercial for Blockbuster where all these movies can be found as opposed to, say, the fucking channel airing the fucking commercials in the first place! They should end each of those commercials with, "Wouldn't it be cool to see one of these movies right now? Fuck you, asshole, you're going to watch whatever we feel like showing. You want to see 'Rushmore' right now? Go suck a dick because that won't be happening here, assface!"

5.) Oblivious People- Okay, you're in a parking lot and you've just started your car and you're getting ready to throw the car into reverse and you're going to get the fuck out, right? Wrong! Because some dipshit cruising through the lane behind you has spotted a friend of his on foot and has stopped to have a conversation with him, oblivious to the fact that his vehicle is boxing yours into its spot for the sake of his social life. Listen, dicklock, just give me a call, tell me what you need to say to your friend, I'll write it down in my blog for him and give it a title like, "Message to that random fuckface in the mall parking lot from his asshole friend who can't fathom the concept of there being vehicles in the public parking lot other than his own because obviously he is the fucking universe unto itself." That message reads: Yeah, so in case you missed my last voicemail to you, it's true, I'm still a retard.

4.) The Caramilk Mystery- After years and years of research, after having following clues to the four corners of the globe, after years of countless interviews, dead end searches in pornographic magazine warehouses, a nagging case of syphillis, three blood transfusions, a mild concussion, and leads that led nowhere, after all this, my crack team of researchers have finally discovered the mystery of how they get the caramel in the Caramilk bar. The answer: Who gives a fuck?

3.) Christmas Shopping- It's coming up on that time of year again and I have to admit that I actually like Christmas shopping. It's the fucking Christmas shoppers I can't fucking stand.

2.) The Death Of My Old Computer- Shopping for a new computer seems to occur with increasing frequency as years go by, which is perfectly understandable as computers go obsolete faster and faster. It just really sucks to have to set up a new computer just the way you like it. All those RSS feeds of porn are lost!

1.) And The Loss Of Data- I lost most of my digital photographs from the past four years too and that makes me want to cry. Not to mention all the great material that I culled to put together the Bottom Ten lists each month. I really had to patch this one together at the last minute because of the data loss. It's a fucking shame about those pictures though. The only photograph of my bare ass lost to the ether. Sigh.