The Bottom Ten, October 2006

10.) Cyberbullies- Click here. If you read the linked article (it's quite short) you'll probably be alarmed by the growing trend of cyberbullying. What I like about the article is how they said, "Cyberspace bullies can strike from anywhere and can steal a child's pride instead of lunch money." Oh no, not my pride! Anything but that! Whatever will I do if my pride gets stolen? "While the act of bullying is nothing new, the cyberbully has certain advantages over the traditional bully." And, while the cyberbully gets to use people pride to buy things like shiny sports cars and big fancy boats....What? Wait, what do you mean, "Um, Michael, people's pride doesn't buy anything at all." Well, fuck me up the ass. You mean I just took out my very first mortgage using all that pride I horded from all those years spent in Internet Relay Chat making fun of sucka-fools and it's pretty much useless? Fuck!!! Damn you, technology! When will pride replace money as acceptable currency for big-ticket purchases? Never? Fuck you! Also, while the cyberbully enjoys "certain advantages" (conveniently, none of them are actually listed) they also suffer a horrible, horrible disadvantage when it comes to dealing with their bullying victims. Victims or cyberbullying, read this next part carefully. When you are confronted by a cyberbully there's a little X at the top right hand side of the window where your bully is attacking your from, if you click it he/she no longer has access to your precious, precious pride, which should leave you enough to take out a mortgage of your own....oh, wait, I forgot, your pride has no actual measured value. Damn you, internets!!!!

9.) Bob Barker's No-Nudity Clause- Click here. So most people have probably heard the news that soon-to-be-83-year-old Bob Barker, the cryptkeeper-like host of The Price Is Right is calling it a career.

He said he'd take on a movie role if the right one came along, but filmmakers, take note: "I refuse to do nude scenes. These Hollywood producers want to capitalize on my obvious sexuality, but I don't want to be just another beautiful body."


Obvious? Refusing to do nude scenes? Good luck trying to get work in the film industry, Bob. Gah!

8.) The Impractibility Of Bleach- Why can't somebody invent a bleach that will safely erase grotesque images from the brain without killing a guy?

7.) Really Bad Ideas- Click here.

6.) AMC Commercials- American Movie Classics channel has a great number of commercials featuring soundbites from random yahoos talking about all the various minutia they love from their favorite films. And I watch these commercials and I think, "Oh wow, I would love to watch these movies right now because, man, they sound so fucking awesome." Why is this on my Bottom Ten? American Movie Classics never play any of these movies that the people in the commercials are raving about! Fuck! They should just have a channel where people rave about movies 24/7 and have it be just an elaborate infomercial for Blockbuster where all these movies can be found as opposed to, say, the fucking channel airing the fucking commercials in the first place! They should end each of those commercials with, "Wouldn't it be cool to see one of these movies right now? Fuck you, asshole, you're going to watch whatever we feel like showing. You want to see 'Rushmore' right now? Go suck a dick because that won't be happening here, assface!"

5.) Oblivious People- Okay, you're in a parking lot and you've just started your car and you're getting ready to throw the car into reverse and you're going to get the fuck out, right? Wrong! Because some dipshit cruising through the lane behind you has spotted a friend of his on foot and has stopped to have a conversation with him, oblivious to the fact that his vehicle is boxing yours into its spot for the sake of his social life. Listen, dicklock, just give me a call, tell me what you need to say to your friend, I'll write it down in my blog for him and give it a title like, "Message to that random fuckface in the mall parking lot from his asshole friend who can't fathom the concept of there being vehicles in the public parking lot other than his own because obviously he is the fucking universe unto itself." That message reads: Yeah, so in case you missed my last voicemail to you, it's true, I'm still a retard.

4.) The Caramilk Mystery- After years and years of research, after having following clues to the four corners of the globe, after years of countless interviews, dead end searches in pornographic magazine warehouses, a nagging case of syphillis, three blood transfusions, a mild concussion, and leads that led nowhere, after all this, my crack team of researchers have finally discovered the mystery of how they get the caramel in the Caramilk bar. The answer: Who gives a fuck?

3.) Christmas Shopping- It's coming up on that time of year again and I have to admit that I actually like Christmas shopping. It's the fucking Christmas shoppers I can't fucking stand.

2.) The Death Of My Old Computer- Shopping for a new computer seems to occur with increasing frequency as years go by, which is perfectly understandable as computers go obsolete faster and faster. It just really sucks to have to set up a new computer just the way you like it. All those RSS feeds of porn are lost!

1.) And The Loss Of Data- I lost most of my digital photographs from the past four years too and that makes me want to cry. Not to mention all the great material that I culled to put together the Bottom Ten lists each month. I really had to patch this one together at the last minute because of the data loss. It's a fucking shame about those pictures though. The only photograph of my bare ass lost to the ether. Sigh.