Tuesday, August 01, 2006

The Bottom Ten, July 2006

10.) Carnies- What is a carnie? Well, traditionally they're sketchy looking meth addicts who always appear to be suppressing constant shrieking disorder. Right? Right. You go to the fairs and carnivals and they're supposed to reek of body odor and and they're supposed to have problematic body hair. Capital Ex recently happened here in Edmonton and I had a chance to check it out. And you know what? The carnies were actually people who didn't look like they were going to stab you while shrieking constantly; they actually looked like normal people. I don't know about you all, but to me that's a sure sign that the low unemployment rate is hitting businesses hard. Carnival companies can't even attract proper carnies; they have to hire normal decent-looking people. Part of the thrill of going to carnivals is not knowing whether or not some carny was going to shriek at you while picking at his/her face; it was a scary, thrilling experience. Now, not so much.

9.) Old People- One thing that the hot weather that always irritates me is that it inspires old people to get out of the house and go to air conditioned environments (i.e. where I work). Have you ever walked behind a pack of old people? Like creeping slowly toward the grave it is. And can you pass them? Oh fuck no! There is such a thing as courteous walking and old people have no fucking concept of what it is. They walk three or four abreast and passing them is impossible because they form this sort of solid wall of vericose veins, wheelchairs, walkers, prosthetic hips, and motorized scooters. Fuck! Single file, people! Most places of business would benefit from hiring a team of professional movers whose job it would be to spot geezers and cryptkeepers as they enter the building, pick them up and physically carry them to where they need to go, walking at a normal human gait. Insurance companies won't cover shit like that. I know because I've checked.

8.) Insurance Companies- Seriously, insurance companies, you have no fucking clue what it's like to constantly have to walk behind a flock of geezers. Please reconsider.

7.) That Guy With The Light Bulb Up His Ass- To kind of get back to the story I linked to quite brilliantly in my tirade on the media's handling of depictions of people flipping the bird, there was a prisoner in Pakistan who recently had to have a light bulb surgically removed from his ass. He claims that he had no idea how it got there; that perhaps his fellow prisoners drugged him and inserted it while he was unconscious. Yeah right, buddy, you run with that story. Anyway, if that is true it is my theory his cellmate did it to him because I believe if you insert a light bulb up your ass and then shuffle your feet to build up a static charge, said light bulb will actually light up. I believe the man's cellmate did it as a means of constructing a crude, but effective reading light for when he wants to read after lights out in the prison. Those prisoners, they're industrious like that. Somebody get that inventive man a job in the real world. We need people who think outside the ass like that.

6.) Firing The Technical Virgin- Click here. Years back a video made the rounds on the internet. In the video a woman made a joke public service announcement about how you can still technically call yourself a virgin if you only take it up the ass. It was pretty fucking funny. So anyway, the girl who appeared in the video went on to become the host of children's television show on PBS. She was recently fired because her bosses found out about the video, a video she made years ago. If you ask me, keeping the girl on the show would have only improved ratings because preschool children, the target audience of the show, are oblivious to the concept getting poked in the winking brown eye and many adults would tune in because they are fascinated by the that same concept. I'm many adults, aren't I? Seriously, though, there is a petition you can sign to help the girl out. Here's a link.

5.) The Madden 2007 Pay-Per-View- Click here. You mean I can pay $20.00 to watch a pay-per-view that previews an upcoming $50.00 video game? Where the fuck do I sign up? There's a new Madden game every fucking year and that's all well and cool, but do we really need a $20.00 preview of a game that is essentially the same as last year's version except with an updated roster and a scarier looking John Madden featured in the game? Fucking rights we do! Anybody who shells out $20.00 for this pay-per-view is a knob with too much disposable income and they should pay me an additional $20.00 for getting a chance to learn this fact from me. Contact me for my PayPal info, idiots!

4.) People Who Complain That It's Too Hot Outside- Okay, I'll accept it when somebody makes a passing comment about how it's hot outside, but leave it at that and only that. I fucking hate listening to people go on as nauseam, "Ohhhh, it's soooo hot outside. Tooooo hot." Spare me your complaints, fucktards. You're the same people who complain that it's too cold in the winter. Realize that complaining about the weather will get you nowhere. So why the fuck bother? Exactly.

3.) Banning Nudity On The Seine- Click here.

City hall has issued a decree banning indecent clothing to preserve the tranquility of the sandy beaches created on the banks of the River Seine every summer since 2001.

How the fuck does indecent clothing destroy the tranquility of sandy beaches? Last time I checked it's volume that destroys tranquility. Indecent clothing just gives men boners. I suppose it might create a lot of divets and such in the sand what with all those boners poking holes into the sand, but that's why God created rakes, assholes. Just rake that shit over. Don't take away our titties!

2.) Hangovers During Heat Waves- Worst fucking feeling the world, ever.

1.) The General Voting Public- Click here. This is why I don't take part in calls for the public to name shit. A bridge in Budapest might be named after Chuck Norris thanks to a website set up by Budapest's Economy Ministry. Okay, I dig the Chuck Norris jokes; they are pretty fucking funny, but come on. You're going to let a bunch of internet geeks determine how landmarks in your area of the world are going to get named?

Why won't they name a bridge after me?