Friday, May 22, 2009

I Was Tagged In Somebody's Note, And Though It's Not My Custom To Honor Such A Thing, I Thought I Would Make An Exception

1. Spell your name without an E,R,S,H,K,I,M,L,C,A,Y,N: PPB

2.Are you single? Yes

3.What is your favorite number? 23

4.What is your favorite color? I would say black, but it's so basic and essential. So, instead of that, I'm going to go ahead and say blue.

5.Least favorite color? I get tired of purple.

6. what are you listening to? Clap Your Hands Say Yeah's self-titled album.

7.Are you happy with your life right now? I'm not unhappy with it. I abide.

8.Are you involved with anyone? No.

9.What is your favorite subject in school/ college? Creative Writing.

10.Do you shop at Abercrombie? I've never even been in an Abercrombie store. I wouldn't rule out going because, really, I don't know how they differ from other clothing chains. If something there looks good on me I should get it. If not, so be it. Clothes are clothes.

11.Do you have money? On me at the moment? Yeah, there's some in my wallet right now. I also have a lot of change kicking around.

12.Would you take an ex back? It would depend on the circumstances. Relationships are too complicated for a yes/no answer sometimes.

14.Are you gay? No.

15.Where do you wish you were right now? I am where I wish I was. How lucky is that? I'm in my bedroom at my desk with good music playing and I'm trying to piece together thoughtful answers to these questions.

16.What should you be doing right now? I should be sleeping because I have to work in the morning, but right now this is too damn fun.


Can you blow a bubble? Damn skippy I can.
Can you do a cart wheel? Yes, especially when I'm drunk.
Can you touch your toes? Last time I checked I can.
Can you wiggle your ears? ? No.
Can you touch your tongue to your nose? No, but sometimes I wish I could. That's a practical skill.


Did you ever want to be a fire fighter? Not really.
Did you ever want to be a teacher? I think so. I'm not sure I'm the right kind of role model for impressionable youths, though. I would have to put on a very good respectable front for that.
Did you ever break the law? Who hasn't broken a law or two? Anybody who says they haven't is not the kind of person I would trust.


Do you like rollercoasters? Yes I do.
Do you own a bike? No.
Do you play the lotto? Sometimes I do. Most of the time I don't. I usually forget to play it.
Do you like football? Yes I do.
Do you have a shopping addiction? I'm not addicted to shopping, but I would say that I have no problem spending money.


Does your family have family picnics? No.
Does your wallet have any pics in it? No.
Does a soft answer turn away wrath? I KNOW it does.


Last person you hung out with? I hung out with my friends from high school on Sunday night. We went to the High Run Club and, as always, it was so very comforting to be around them.
Last car ride? I drove home from the poetry reading at Yianni's on Wednesday night.
Last text message? I texted Jessica to see if she received a book that I passed along to her for her to read.
Last baby you held? I can't remember. It's been a long time since I held a baby. I go to more funerals than anything else.

What was the last thing you bought? Pizza from Pizza 73 so that I would have something to eat while I watch "Taken" last night.
What was the last thing you had to drink? I had a can of Cherry Coke.
What was the last thing you watched? I watched Attack Of The Show earlier this afternoon.
What was the last thing you read? I'm currently reading "Pygmy" by Chuck Palahniuk. The last book I read before that was "The Delivery Man" by Joe McGinniss Jr. Oh, and I read "Where The Wild Things Are" before bed the other night, if that counts for anything.
What was the last thing you hand wrote? I jotted some notes for a poem that I've been working on in a pocket-sized Moleskine book.

Who was the last person you talked to on the phone? My mom.
Who was the last person you took a picture of? I snapped a picture of Michael Gravel at the poetry reading last night. It had been a long time since I got to see him read. And what he read was earth-shattering. I felt compelled to take a picture for posterity's sake.
Last person to leave you a comment? On my blog it was Daniel. On my Facebook page it was Nilos.
Who last hugged you? I don't get hugged a lot so I would have to say it was Colleen a few weeks ago when I dropped her and Kristy off.
Who last IM'd you? I can't remember. I don't get a lot of IM's.

What color shirt are you wearing? I'm wearing a black hoody.
Have any tattoos? No. I can't commit to a design or image that would go on my skin for the rest of my life.
Have you any piercings? No.
Straight hair or curly or wavy? Short and straight.
Where are you? I'm at my desk in my bedroom.


Failed a class? Not that I can remember.
Confessed your love and been turned down? Yes. It was a long time ago. Do that enough and pretty soon you learn to just keep stuff like that to yourself.
Sang in front of a crowd? If you can call it singing.

I'll avoid the obvious answers and give you something unexpected. Let's see, in no particular order...
-A lava lamp with red lava (or wax or whatever you want to call it) that I like to have on when I watch movies in bed.
-An incense holder shaped like a black dragon.
-Two cheapy bottle openers that I bought at a Safeway in Phoenix, Arizona.
-A stash of candy that I keep inside a box on one of my bookshelves.
-A small box of letters that I kept from when I was teenager and sometimes read when I want to feel a fresh sting of regret.
-Numerous issues of Juxtapoz magazine because I love the art they feature in them. I keep the back issues too, just so I can flip through them sometimes and ooo and ahhh at all the pretty pictures.

1. In a relationship? No.
2.Want a relationship? Sometimes when you ask me this question I will say yes and other times I will say no.
3.Wanna get married? Someday I think I would like to be. I'm not sure how good of a husband I would make.

1. I'm wondering what I'm going to be like when I'm an old man. I'm pretty eccentric right now. I would like to be even more eccentric, but not to the point of being certifiable.
2. What's the next line? I'm always thinking about the next line.
3. Am I boring you to tears?
4. I'm thinking of taking a long, hot shower before bed to just wind down and daydream some more.

The way to win your heart? I'm not even sure I know my own heart. So, it follows then, that I haven't even found a way to win it. When I figure it all out, I'll fill you all in because I want to be in love with everybody.

When was the last time you really laughed? I'm always laughing. Really laughing. Everything is funny if you think about it the right way. Even tragedy. The other day I caught a bit of the last HBO comedy special George Carlin did before he died last year and I laughed and cried at the same time. Bill Hicks always gets me like that too. Actually, the last really good laugh I had was a message thread I saw on 4chan that had a picture with two words in it: "IT ALL" and the person who posted the picture said this, "I think this picture says it all." It does. Indeed, it does.

What are you like when you're drunk? I'm entertaining and philosophical and daring and friendly.

Do you drink milk straight from the carton? Just imagining the texture of a milk carton against my lips kind of makes me cringe. I keep the milk in a glass, thank you very much.

Who knows a big secret about you? I'm not sure. I'm too plain and uninteresting to have big secrets.

How long is your hair? It's very short.

Who was the last person who told you they loved you? It's been so long that I can't remember. Probably my ex.

When was the last time you sang out loud? Tonight when I was listening to "Let The Cool Goddess Rust Away" by Clap Your Hands Say Yeah.

What did you have for breakfast? I slept until 5 p.m. I went right into dinner. That was leftover pizza.

Is your birthday on a holiday? No. I like to make my birthday into a holiday for everybody though. Don't just get me gifts, get gifts for everybody. Then everybody looks forward to my birthday.

Can you cook? It depends on who you ask. But let's just keep it I wouldn't starve if I was alone.

Did you have a nap today? Not today.

What do you wear more, jeans or sweats? I wear suits more than anything else. After that I would say sweats since I'm around the house a lot. When I go out, it's jeans.

When is your birthday? February 10.

Where did you get the shirt you're wearing? Below The Belt. You would think that with a name like Below The Belt they wouldn't have shirts, but they have shirts. They should change the name of the store to Below And Above The Belt.

Do you have any regrets? Sure. Lots of them. Biggest one is not being more accessible to the people I like and who, in turn, like me. I'm distant and solitary a lot.

Do you use an alarm clock? I use my cellphone as an alarm clock.

Whats the first thing you notice of the opposite sex? Hair.

What color is your favorite shoe? Black. My shoes are uninteresting.

Who would you like to see right now? Nobody. I want to be by myself right now.

Who was the last person to call you? My mom.

Are you a social or antisocial person? I don't know. I like people. I love people. I love their quirks. I live vicariously through their stories. I miss people even when they're around. But I can be very antisocial sometimes if I feel introspective and reflective.

Have the cops ever come to your house? No.

Do you have a tan? I'm pasty white.

Would you rather sleep in the bed with someone, or alone? Right now, alone. When I'm lonely, with someone else. Luckily I'm not lonely right now.

Ever had braces? No, but I wish I had.

Are you afraid of the dark? The dark is too intimate to be afraid of. I'm afraid of noises I hear in the dark sometimes, but that's different.

Have you ever been in a mosh pit? Yes I have.

Do you always wear your seat belt? My car makes an annoying dinging sound when I don't, so, yes, I wear one all the time just to spare myself that inconvenience.

Who was the last person to disappoint you? I try not to let people disappoint me. I can't remember when the last time was. I try to put everything in perspective. Has anybody ever done anything to me that was worth being disappointed by for a significant amount of time? Not really.

You know what you want to do with your life? Sometimes I think I do.

When and why did you last cry? Last weekend. I miss George Carlin being in the world.

How do you feel about piercings and tattoos? I'm open.

Do you believe that what comes around goes around? I think so.

What is your favorite fruit?

Does anyone love you? Depends on what kind of love you're talking about. I think so, though.

Where is one place you want to visit? I would love to get lost in New York City. I've thought about just going by myself and trying to find a Bohemian lifestyle with lots of drinking and partying and all that good stuff. I want to have a philosophical discussion with a well-versed stranger.

Have you ever crawled through a window? Yes. A long time ago.

Are you a morning person or a night person? I am an all-day person.

Are you a forgiving person? Very much so.

What are you listening to right now? I'm still listening to Clap Your Hands Say Yeah.

Ever had a drunken night in Mexico? Nope. Not yet.

Who was the last person to smoke a cig in your presence? I can't remember.

Are you taller than 5'6? Yep. 5'10.

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

Protip For Alberta Campers

Camping season is fast approaching here in desolate Alberta, Canada (sorry Tourism Alberta, your cheque bounced hard and fast; that's the only endorsement you'll get from me). With the warmer weather comes what promises to be many cherished memories, "off-road" vehicles getting trashed actually going off-road, wild mountain lion attacks, cases of West Nile Virus, and whatever else it is you campers partake in year after year while I, being pasty white and incredibly handsome, enjoy the finer things in life like running water, internet porn, and periodic suburban gunshot wounds.

One thing that you campers will not be able to partake in for a little while at the very least, is the tried and true tradition of the cheery campfire. No hot dogs on sharpened sticks, no marshmallows set aflame and sizzling black, no disposal of evidence by fire. Nope, none of that for you. Dry conditions. High risk of forest fire.

And really, who the fuck would want to travel out into the woods and sit around WITHOUT a campfire. Campfires are fun. They burn stuff up, they make your clothes smell, and they provide the lighting for some of the most miserable experiences of you life. That time you got so drunk you passed out face down in the mud? Yep, it was by the fireside. That time you got so drunk you passed out face down in the mud and got sodomized by a lecherous grizzly bear? You better believe that was by the fireside too. He probably wouldn't have been able to see what he was doing had you been anywhere else.

So then what? Are you just going to go out into the wild without fire? How will the bears see to rape you? How are you going to char a tubesteak? What else will you use to burn all that excess gasoline and all those old tires you pack your vehicles with?

If you start a fire the game wardens will have you thrown into PMITA prison for a stiff sentence.

Or will they?

Here at Michael Appleby industries we are always coming up with new ways to make your life easier. And after 2.75 years of research in our state-of-the-art laboraties (i.e. my basement) we have developed a way for you to go camping during the fireban and enjoy your campfire too.

We call it, I didn't start this fire, officer.

Here's how it works.

Quite simply, when the game warden approaches your campsite, taser in hand, to bust you for having a campfire during the fireban you defend yourself by saying, "I didn't start this fire, officer." Resist the urge to sing it a la the early 90's Billy Joel song.

Then proceed to explain that you were trying to douse the fire with uncooked weiners and marshmallows.

Really, what the fuck is he going to do? You can't be busted for trying to put out a fire. So what if your methods of trying to extinguish a fire during the fireban are stupid. I guarantee you that if you throw enough weiners at a fire it'll be snuffed out. You just didn't bring enough weiners to snuff the fire right away. You can't be busted for that. Same goes for marshmallows. Dump enough marshmallow on an out-of-control forest fire, which the one in your campsite seems to be, albeit in the very early stages, and that fire will be toasted. Toasted marshmallows that is! Sorry, I was waiting for some excuse to bust that one out.

Anyway, the point is that without the surveillance equipment that cities conveniently have in spades no one can prove whether you started the fire or if you were trying to put it out with a frying pan and a quarter pound of bacon.

If you're asked what caused the fire, just say, "Lightning strike." If the skies are clear say, "Squirrel spontaneously combusted. Damnedest thing I ever saw," maybe throw a dead squirrel in the fire before you try using that one. Really, who cares how the fire started, you're fighting it! Ask the warden for help. Make it convincing.

"Look man, we can argue all day long as to how a squirrel spontaneously combusted right in that fire pit, but what's important is that it happened and now we have to deal with it. Alberta's woodlands are at risk! Quick, grab more weiners, I think we can create a buffer between the fire pit and the rest of Alberta if we can just get enough weiners in there."

Sure enough, you'll get your hot dogs and your toasted marshmallows, your campfire sing-alongs. Not only will you not be arrested for it, but they should damn well give you some sort of medal of valor for corageously fighting the bane of all humanity: fire.

Disclaimer: Do not actually attempt this. While this tactic might work, our R&D department has also found that well lit campsites experience instances of grizzly bear sodomy 268% more than completely dark campsites. You're best to play it safe and make your campsites look completely empty of all human life.