Friday, October 21, 2005

Leave A Message After The Beep

So long, suckers. I'm going to Calgary almost immediately after I post this message. I'll be back Saturday, October 22. So if you're wondering why there's little or nothing posted in the interim, that's why. See you people when I get back. I'll try to get some pictures of my trip.


Thursday, October 20, 2005

From The 'Why The Fuck Would Anybody Want To Do That?' Files

Click here.

So, there you have it. David Copperfield, the magician whose most famous illusion was making Claudia Schiffer fall in love with him, is about to strike again. This time, though, his goal is to knock a girl up without even touching her.

What the fuck?

No, seriously. What the fuck?

If there was ever proof that a man needs to get his head examined, this would be it. Why the fuck would anybody want to do that?

But Michael, lots of perfectly sane men would love to become fathers.

Hey, no argument here. But come on, if you're going to impregnate a girl why not at least get your rocks off in the process? For most men that's at least half the benefit to knocking a girl up.

See, I don't claim to be any sort of sexpert, but it seems to me that getting a girl pregnant traditionally involves sex. Last time I read up on the sexual process the man writes into Penthouse and tells their editors that they're probably not going to believe this. He meets some really friendly girls and by friendly he means that they refuse to wear pants. He inserts his penis into a vagina and just goes hog wild all up in there what with the bucking and groaning and the pushing and moaning. He drops a load and nine months later a baby emerges and gets smacked on the ass. With talk like this I bet you're wondering why I haven't made my foray in fatherhood yet.

But anyway, for a lot of men, the only reason to be a father is so you get to do all that fucking. For a lot of guys a child isn't even wanted, but kind of an inconvenience when it's on the way. I'm not trying to be a dick here, but that's just the way it is. Some girl gets pregnant by accident and calls her sexual partner to let him know and he might not take it as good news. I don't make this shit up. That's just how it works sometimes.

But David Copperfield wants to get a girl pregnant, on purpose, without even touching her? What the fuck? David Copperfield wants to pay child support for some kid of some girl who he didn't even fuck? That's either mighty noble of him or mighty stupid.

I don't get it. I just don't see how this can be that great of an illusion.

Hey David Copperfield, it's called artificial insemination. Look it up. Men have been knocking up women without having to touch them for years. Now if you can somehow get the woman to get pregnant without touching her and then have her give birth to a 70 pound hippopotamus after being pregnant for only 16 minutes, I'll call that a magic trick.

Wednesday, October 19, 2005

Human Hot Box

Human Hot Box
Nothing short of remarkable
the way your friends’ smell
transposes itself into my wardrobe.

I always get asked
if I just got home from Amsterdam.

People rib me
by referring to me as the human hot box.

I go to work
and my cubicle
fills with the stench
of cheap pot
and sour failure.

I’m carrying a half a dozen
different taints
around with me in the world.

Today I found an old roach
in my jacket pocket

and decided that I need
to invest
in a closet that locks

and a doormat
that insists
this house enforces
a no failed cum stain policy.

Monday, October 17, 2005

If I Can Get Political For A Moment Here

What the fuck is up with this? Click here.

So George W. Bush talks to God? George W. Bush talks to God? What? Wait a minute. My mind is in the midst of being blown. George W. Bush talks to God? Huh?

Didn't Clinton almost get impeached for getting a cum stain on some intern's dress? George W. Bush talks to God? What? God told him to invade Iraq to end its tyranny? Huh?

Okay, seriously. What?

I don't get it.

Michael, George W. Bush is a very religious man and, in all likelihood, did have a conversation with God and if George W. Bush said that God told him to go to war with Iraq, amassing thousands and thousands of casualties then obviously it's what God wanted because George W. Bush is a very religious man and he would never dream of lying to the American public. Michael, take your head out from between your taut buttocks and listen to reason.

No, you are right, my buttocks are rather taut. I've been working out. But seriously, what? You can sit there with a straight face and tell me that you actually believe George W. Bush got instructed to invade Iraq by God? And Clinton was almost impeached for a cum stain in the Oval Office?

Here's my problem with all of this. You just know I have a problem with this because I'm writing about it. My problem is that a vast majority of the time when anybody says that God told him/her to do something and then, in turn, that action leads to even one death we tend to, as a society, label that person as insane. Why do we do that? I think it has to do with a fundamental belief that God loves the world and probably doesn't want to see us killing each other off. Most, if not all, religions have a "Thou Shalt Not Kill" clause somewhere in the deal. So, naturally, if God is telling somebody to kill people we just automatically assume that the person is certifiably crazy.

Shouldn't that mean that George W. Bush needs some quiet time and some meds, at the very least? Shouldn't he get a padded room and a staight jacket? Did God tell him to lie to the American public about WMDs to get them to rally behind his call to war?

There's so much that just isn't adding up here. I really hate getting political because before you know it I'll have a thousand right wing nuts coming in here and accusing me of trying to undermine the current administration because I'm some sort of left wing hippy. Really, the Democrats didn't offer up that great of a candidate and it cost them the last election so I really wouldn't go so far as to label myself a Democrat. I'm not even American.

Really, I just thought I would bring up the whole whacko idea that God's going around telling George W. Bush what to do. What I hate about it is that if things should ever go horribly wrong as a result of his executive decisions he has God as a scapegoat. If you want to go to war that badly go to war, but make it just and make sure that you're the one who's going to take the blame when all those people die. I'm not a religious man, but I hate it when deities take it on the chin because somebody has to be an ass-clown on the planet.

I'm just saying is all.