Thursday, October 20, 2005

From The 'Why The Fuck Would Anybody Want To Do That?' Files

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So, there you have it. David Copperfield, the magician whose most famous illusion was making Claudia Schiffer fall in love with him, is about to strike again. This time, though, his goal is to knock a girl up without even touching her.

What the fuck?

No, seriously. What the fuck?

If there was ever proof that a man needs to get his head examined, this would be it. Why the fuck would anybody want to do that?

But Michael, lots of perfectly sane men would love to become fathers.

Hey, no argument here. But come on, if you're going to impregnate a girl why not at least get your rocks off in the process? For most men that's at least half the benefit to knocking a girl up.

See, I don't claim to be any sort of sexpert, but it seems to me that getting a girl pregnant traditionally involves sex. Last time I read up on the sexual process the man writes into Penthouse and tells their editors that they're probably not going to believe this. He meets some really friendly girls and by friendly he means that they refuse to wear pants. He inserts his penis into a vagina and just goes hog wild all up in there what with the bucking and groaning and the pushing and moaning. He drops a load and nine months later a baby emerges and gets smacked on the ass. With talk like this I bet you're wondering why I haven't made my foray in fatherhood yet.

But anyway, for a lot of men, the only reason to be a father is so you get to do all that fucking. For a lot of guys a child isn't even wanted, but kind of an inconvenience when it's on the way. I'm not trying to be a dick here, but that's just the way it is. Some girl gets pregnant by accident and calls her sexual partner to let him know and he might not take it as good news. I don't make this shit up. That's just how it works sometimes.

But David Copperfield wants to get a girl pregnant, on purpose, without even touching her? What the fuck? David Copperfield wants to pay child support for some kid of some girl who he didn't even fuck? That's either mighty noble of him or mighty stupid.

I don't get it. I just don't see how this can be that great of an illusion.

Hey David Copperfield, it's called artificial insemination. Look it up. Men have been knocking up women without having to touch them for years. Now if you can somehow get the woman to get pregnant without touching her and then have her give birth to a 70 pound hippopotamus after being pregnant for only 16 minutes, I'll call that a magic trick.

4 comments:

Anonymous said...

C’mon Michael magic is about believing. That and creepy weirdo’s prancing about with tigers. Maybe in this case stupid tag trumps unlikely.

mg said...

Once again, a reference to semen. I swear, mikey's up to something here. "The Splooge Writings", or "Always Come Late - The History of Whiskey Dick".

Adam said...

Mikey sure likes to talk about sperm.

In fact, I'm pretty sure the first "experience" I had of Michael Appleby was witnessing him read a poem about public masturbation. The weird thing is, this was before I knew him personally, and I still decided he would be a cool guy to talk to. Clearly, I'm a huge pervert. Also, I am gifted with the ability to make EVERYTHING about me.

Lee said...

Hey....good fricking question.....LOL