Tuesday, June 13, 2006

The Civil Service: The Sexiest Line Of Work Around

Click here.

Okay, today I have a strange one for you. Somewhere over in England there is an office in Newcastle, the Rural Payments Agency office to be precise, and it is the sexiest office in the world.

To borrow a few words from the linked article here's what's been happening in this sexy little government building:

"The agency said it was investigating claims that staff leapt naked from filing cabinets, had sex in office toilets, held break-dancing competitions during working hours and fought in a reception area."

My first reaction after reading this was Sign me up. I'll move to England, just get me a job in that office because that's where I want to be.

But then I thought about it some more and now I'm not wanting to move to England so much and it has little to do with the British Dental Association's care for its country's citizens or the fact that they speak English over there and yet there are numerous Brits whom I can't understand in the slightest. No, it's none of that.

What is keeping me here in Canada is the fact that this sexy little office is being investigated, most likely to curb any further shenanigans.

And that's what pisses me off about this whole matter.

You want to curb this kind of behavior from your government employees? What the fuck is wrong with you?

I mean seriously. Have you ever had to go to a government office for anything? I'm sure that there are many of you out there who have. What did you think about the experience? It was pretty fucking dull, wasn't it? You go and you sit and then some jerk in a cheap suit and reeking of B.O. takes you to his office where he sips criminally bad coffee and pores over a computer to review whatever file they have on you and it takes forever. Almost literally.

Now, if you had to, say, go to some office where all the workers were parading around naked, having breakdancing competitions, fistfights, and fucking like sex-crazed teenagers, would you find that dull? Do you have a fucking pulse?

I don't know about you, but I only wish the civil servants around here were that cool. Some buxom receptionist just typing away topless and I could gaze longingly at her heaving breasts. Meanwhile, some lowly mailroom clerk is breakdancing and these two other clerks are duking it out Muhammad Ali style. And naked diving off of filing cabinets? Brother, you ain't seen naked dives off of filing cabinets until you've seen these plucky Brits doing it.

That's civil service, fuckers!

If you ask me, they should be investigating that office to see how other offices should be run to make them just as exciting.

Not only that, but if I were the British government I would look into marketing that shit properly. I'd put out a line of DVDs and call it "Civil Servants Gone Wild." How fucking cool would that be? Just 2 hours of naked clerks and office shlubs filling out paperwork and breakdancing.

So, governments of the free world, take note of this sexy little office in Newcastle. If you want to lure people to join the civil service or even if you want to improve the dreary experience of having to go to a government office make like the civil servants in Newcastle and bust a move, bitches.

Incidentally, where I work people have sex in the toilets all the time. We even have this one employee we call Betty Blumpkin, affectionately, I might add. Our breakdancing isn't quite as good, but we do manage to spin and twirl fast enough that our wangs make that slapping sound good and loud. Sounds pretty cool.

That's because I'm not in the civil service.

Sunday, June 11, 2006

The Hottest Fashion Accessory For Your Ass Is Now Available

Click here.

Renova Black.

That's right, Renova Black.

What's Renova Black, you're wondering?

Well, idiot, Renova Black is quite simply "This season's must-have" according to the New York Times toilet paper critic. But what the fuck is it, you're still wondering.

It's black fucking toilet paper.

That's right, black fucking toilet paper.

All you chump sucka fools using three-ply white are all chump sucka fools because black is where it's at when it comes to toilet paper. This is a technological breakthrough. Finally, the tyranny of white toilet paper has come to an end, ending hundreds of years of apartheid in bathrooms across the world. Finally, the technology that allows us to have black toilet paper has been perfected.

Okay, first of all, why the fuck is this even considered groundbreaking? For years and years we've been able to put all kinds of shit on toilet paper, pun intended. We've had the faces of presidents we desise, names of countries we hate, and even Michael Jackson. Hell, I've even had a roll of toilet paper with pages of Mad Magazine printed on each square. You mean to tell me that with all of this great toilet paper being created we haven't once stopped to think, Hey, wait a second, why not black toilet paper?

But here's what really bothers me. The New York Times. Seriously, how fucking slow does a news day have to be before the New York Times exclaims, "This season's must-have" about black toilet paper. It's fucking toilet paper, morons, wipe your fucking ass with it and call it a day. It doesn't matter if it's white, black, purple, blue, or green, just wad up a fistful of it and start wiping before the diarrhea hardens.


Naw. Too ho-hum.

Our lunatic president?

Naw. Too predictable.


Naw. It's been done.

Hey wait, I know. Let's get all over that black toilet paper craze that's sweeping the nation! Now that's newsworthy. Bump the impending nuclear armageddon to the lifestyle section and let's get that fucking black toilet paper page 1, front and center. Here's the fucking headline: Newspaper Editor Goes Batshit Crazy.

And, "This season's must-have"? What the fuck is that supposed to be? Does this all mean that next season there's going to be another hot toilet paper? Paper for your ass? Paper to wipe shit off your ass? Who the fuck goes to the toilet paper fashion shows? Who the fuck is a toilet paper designer by trade?