Friday, October 07, 2005

A Light Bulb Pulse

A Light Bulb Pulse

A light bulb pulse
throbbing in a bedroom
the way a penis might
or a heart
when it’s dark
and lovely
or scary
or both

An epicenter
where the tiny throes
ruffle sheets
marked by the tiniest
shouting out
hold on
this is going to get rough

and it does

A light bulb pulse
glowing in a bedroom
the way that skin might
and tumble clumsy
into laundry piles
and junk mail
magazine subscription forms
lava lamp wax
going from zero to lust
in just…

A kiss
where the lips bloom
bedroom blossoms
and it’s tongue and mash
and fluttering eyes
hold on
this is going to get rough

But knowing
when it’s done
it’s cum down
and come down
gentle coos
the way that a bird might
or a snore resonates
not meaning anything
but the escape of breath
pacing itself for tomorrow

Wednesday, October 05, 2005

How I Was Almost Cool For Once

So today I went to one of the local malls to get a haircut at my regular salon. I won't tell you which mall or which hair salon it is because the last time I made that mistake I had fans and random yahoos waiting for me in throngs, literally throngs, that really made mall officials angry at me and subsequently earned me a permanent ban from Milbourne Mall. Damn you, Milbourne!

So, anyway, before I get off on a tangent about Milbourne Mall I should really tell you about this cool thing that I almost did while I was at the mall today.

Did you buy some Jennifer Lopez perfume for a special lady, Michael?

First off, I said "almost did." Secondly, Jennifer Lopez perfume is not cool. Thirdly, fuck you. In fourth place, up the ass. And coming up the rear, so shut up.

But seriously, folks, when I was leaving with my ultra-hotness new haircut I was walking to my car and I was thinking, fuck, is it cold out here.

And that was the cool thing?

Stop interupting.

And as I was getting closer to my car I happened to notice that parked in the vacinity was one of the photo radar vans that the Edmonton Police use. I say, "one of the photo radar vans" because I'm not sure exactly how many of the fucking things our tax dollars have bought, but at any rate, there was one of them parked near my car. Whoever was in charge of it must have been at the mall to buy some film for the camera on the van or getting the film from the camera developed at Black's.

So there I was, face-to-face, with what is perhaps the most loathed vehicle in the entire city.

And you know what?

I wish I had my camera with me. Because immediately I thought how cool it would be to go behind that van and take a photo of its license plate so that I could print it up and make up some childish looking speeding ticket, say made with crayon or something, attach said photo of photo radar van license plate to it and send it the police demanding payment. That would be funny. I actually spent the next 23 minutes in my parked car laughing about how funny that would be. In fact, in the amount of time that I spent laughing about how cool I would be for trying to ticket the police for a change I probably could have driven to my house (speeding naturally since the photo radar van was parked at the mall), got my camera and come back to snap the quintessential photo.

But Michael, the photo radar van saves lives. It prevents people from speeding and when people drive slower fewer accidents happen and fewer pedestrians get run down trying to cross in marked crosswalks.

Wrong! That's what the politicians tell you. Now I'm not expert on photographic technology, but from what I do think I know, there isn't a camera that has been invented yet that can actually physically prevent somebody from speeding in their vehicle. Okay, maybe the police have some sort of super-fancy ultra high tech shit that the normal photographer isn't privy to just yet. Maybe when they snap a picture speeders really do stop dead. I wouldn't know because I don't speed. It seems to me, though, that what the camera on board the photo radar van actually does is take pictures of speeding vehicles, which by my calculations...

...Hold on, folks, let me double check my calculations here because I have made mistakes with my math before...

Nope, it's still telling me that taking pictures of really fast things doesn't make them any slower, it still just gets you a picture that you can mail to them a week later demanding payment on a ticket.

Michael, I've seen it work, though. They took a picture and all the speeders stopped dead in their tracks.

No you haven't. Stop bullshitting me. If they really want them to stop dead they have to pull them over the old fashioned way or, at the very least, open fire on the speeding vehicle, hoping to incapacitate the driver with bullets. Turning the city streets into a strobe light discotheque only makes the speeders look really cool like their car is moving so fast that it has it's own lighting effects, like when you watch some sort of kung-fu movie that has at least one big fist fight happen on a dance floor.

Michael, what do you have against the police?

Nothing. I think that sometimes their finances get put into the wrong areas. Photography, while it's been a financial success for the police, was probably not an area that we needed the police to take care of. Crimefighting, maybe could have used some more money. Aside from that I think the police do a bang up job here in the city and I think, by and large, it's a thankless job due, in large part, to asshats like me spouting off about their cameras.

Seriously, though, I wouldn't actually do shit like that. Or would I?

Also, I mean there are better places, economically speaking to get your film developed other than Black's. Unless you have some sort of bulk discount for the photo radar van you should really look into throwing your business at one of the smaller, non-nationwide, chains. Just imagine how cool it would be to get not only the regular photo of your license plate as it speeds away, but also a few wallet-size, and, maybe, just maybe, a 10x13 of the same shot? I'd hang that sucker up on the wall if I got clocked going over 100 in a 60 zone. Of course the photo wouldn't have stopped me from going over 100 in a 60, but it'd give me some lasting memories. I 'd get it framed and call it "The Day The Police Noticed Me Doing Something Because I'm Cool."

Sorry, I'm just rambling now. Damn you, Milbourne Mall!

As Though You Could Possibly Have Anything Better To Do

The inaugural Roar On 24th is set to take Edmonton by storm this coming Saturday, October 8, 2005.

For those of you who will be in the Edmonton area on Saturday you should definitely make your way down to the 124th street area of the city and check out what dozens of the finest poets in Canada, maybe even the world, have to offer. Events for the festival kick off at 12:30 p.m. and should continue throughout the day and well in Sunday morning, when many of the rowdier poets will finally find their way home in the back of taxi cabs or squad cars. Maybe even jail. Yikes.

If you're wondering what part I have to play in all of this I am named among the ranks of my fellow Raving Poets set to perform at the Raving Poets wind-up party. I just got an email from Thomas Trofimuk with what kind of performance this is shaping up to be and, without spoiling the surprise, I'll go on record as saying I've never read poetry the way that we are going to read poetry that night. It'll be interesting feat of literary prowess.

Now you're probably saying out loud, But Michael, you go on and on about all this shit about poems and poets and people getting arrested or having sex in alleyways and in abandoned shopping carts, but you really having given us any specific itinerary of what's going to happen on Saturday or where, other than a vague description of the 124th Street area. That's why you should really check out The Roar On 24th website for all the details. In case you missed the underlined text, thinking that it was just funny colored, it's a link, dummy, click it and read all the shit that you have to read. The details are all there in plain black and white and I don't have to go through all the hassle of copying and pasting and then worrying if Thomas Trofimuk can sue me for copyright infringement for reposting his written material. I'm a legal hot potato that way.

Also, welcome back Mike Gravel. It's good to have you back in E-Town, where it suddenly returned to it's normal level of coolness. You'd be surprised how uncool this place is when you go out traveling.

And, before I forget, congratulations Jordan on your impending admittance to the Bar.

Fuck, can I pander or can I pander?

Tuesday, October 04, 2005

Where The Fuck Have You Been Michael?

Okay, so anyway, let me first congratulate Jay and the boys in the Murder City Sparrows for being named Sonic 102.9 radio's Band of the Month. It was one of those things that I could brag about at work when I heard their song "Burn In Water" get airplay. I called some of my cashiers over to have a listen to the radio and I got say, "Hey, I went to school with that guy." Of course, they're replies were more along the lines of, "Yay, aren't you utterly amazing. You went to school with somebody who's doing something with his life. We should nominate you for some sort of asset to humanity award, moron." Well, fuck you too. I did go to school with that guy.

Aside from that I had a headcold these past few days which really sapped me of my energy to the point that I was actually going to bed as soon as I got home from work. So if you've been emailing me or posting messages in the comments boards and I haven't replied that's why. I'm on the mend, though, and I'm almost well enough to start doing shit again.

The highlight of the weekend, though, had to be seeing the Audioslave concert at Rexall Place here in Edmonton. It was a fucking amazing show.

To be honest, I wasn't expecting it to be that great of a show on account of Seether being the opening act. I really don't like Seether very much, but I have to admit they put on an adequate show for the audience that had gathered to hear them play. Seeing Audioslave, though, was stellar.

Their set focused mainly on their hits. But what really wowed the audience, which was near capacity for that venue, were those songs which delved into the catalogue of not only Soundgarden, the band from which Chris Cornell arose, but also Rage Against The Machine, where the rest of the band came from.

The encore was hit after hit, starting with an acoustic solo performance by Cornell on "Black Hole Sun" and ending with the whole band ripping through "Cochise." The height of the encore saw the whole audience joining Cornell in screaming "Fuck you! I won't do what you tell me!" at the end of a spot-on performance of "Killing In The Name!" I attribute screaming "Fuck you! I won't do what you tell me!" to why I was hoarse, almost without voice, yesterday morning when I woke up.

Hearing Tom Morello play guitar on a CD is one thing, and it will leave you saying, "Hey, that guy is a pretty good guitarist." Hearing Tom Morello play live is a complete different beast, and it will leave you saying, "Oh my fucking god, his guitar playing is making my chest implode on itself! Wow!" At one point in the show, Chris Cornell disappeared from the stage to let the rest of the band do an instrumental version of "Bulls On Parade," the Rage Against The Machine song that probably has one of the greatest riffs in all of rock and roll, and although it made me sad that I couldn't hear Rage vocalist Zach De La Rocha's scathing lyrical attack, it did showcase Morello even more prominently and my ears rang for the rest of the night.

Also noteworthy was how the band brought an audience member up on stage with them just so that he could propose to his girlfriend in front of thousands of people. The band allowing an average schlub like that to have the spotlight even for a few seconds shows you what a class act they really are.

Long story short, I hope they come back to E-Town someday because I would love to take that show in again.

So, there you have it, a recap of where the fuck I have been the past few days. Now that the drought, insofar as my posting is concerned, is over we can now return to our regular scheduled programming.