Thursday, December 29, 2005

What The Fuck?!?!?!?!?!

Sometimes you'll see an article somewhere that seems to factually incorrect that you start to wonder about the author behind the piece. Was he/she sane at the time of writing it? Was he/she drunk at the time of writing it it? Was he in the midst of becoming a she and was so doped up on anaesthetic that he thought it was a good idea and just start typing a bunch of random shit to take the focus off of his penis evolving surgically into a vagina? Okay, that last one definitely didn't happen. I know that when my junk is getting fucked around with I don't have the presence of mind to even start thinking about writing let alone actually doing it. But I digress.

What we have here is quite possibly the world record for most typos in one published article...

Click here.

Um, Michael, I hate to burst your bubble, but that article was not filled with typos and was actually quite straightforward to read.

I was afraid of that. Did you actually get the gist of what was being said, though?

Well, I, um.....looking back at it seems to be saying that Patrick Swayze is experimenting with rap the holy hell?!?!?! That can't be right.

You see? It's got to be the world's biggest collection of typos. There's no fucking way it could be saying that Patrick Swayze is experimenting with rap music.

"Swayze recently said he was experimenting with 'rap rhythms as an emotional uncurrent for ballads.'"

Pinch me, Michael. I'm thinking this is one of those dreams where I show up naked to school. It's got to be. You know? The kind of dream where a bunch of random shit seems to get spliced together? Unicorns and Volkswagens? A hoodie made out of big fat pickles? Patrick Swayze planning on releasing some of his very own rap music? It's got to be a dream.


I'm afraid not.


Wednesday, December 28, 2005

Mickey D's

Click here.

Starting very soon at McDonald's restaurants you will be able to find the nutrition facts about most of their foodstuffs printed right on the package. That's right, I shit you not. You will, in fact, be able to check out how many calories are being consumed with every Big Mac as you are eating a Big Mac.

And you know what? Good for them. It indicates a desire on the part of the multinational to improve its image. Where once it was seen as a provider of "food" with questionable nutritional content it will now be seen as a provider of "food" with questionable nutritional content, but with the nutritional information printed on the packaging.

What I don't get is why there's such a big fucking deal over the nutritional content being printed at all. The fact that this is news on MSNBC means it's newsworthy to somebody. I mean it's not like McDonald's "food" is healthy. It was clearly demonstrated in Supersize Me. Is having the nutritional information suddenly going to make a big fucking difference to the people who eat at McDonald's?

How many people do you see driving around looking for a place to eat and basing their decision on an eatery on whether or not said eatery provides a nutritional content information box on the packaging?

Well, that documentary made me swear off McDonald's food, but I am hungry and they now print their nutritional content so it must be better. Kids, we're going to McDonald's!

That shit doesn't happen. Sorry, Mickey D's.

Nutritonal content information on fast food packaging is a moot point. If you eat fast food you know that it's not healthy. What the fuck do you care if you know specifically how unhealthy it is for you? If the lack of nutrition on most of a fast food restaurant menu really comes as a shocker to you then you should really continue to chow down on that stuff because you are a liability to humanity with all that ignorance. Maybe an early fast food funeral would do the species a lot of good in your case.

Also, why the fuck unveil the nutritional content information at the fucking Olympics? Wow, that should make for a headline. Today in the news, opening ceremonies for the 2006 winter Olympics in Turin, Italy were held. The event brings together the world in a celebration of sports and athletics. Also, some fast food chain is using this event as a springboard for launching nutritional content information on their artery-clogging hamburgers. Way to go world! I know if there's one thing that makes me want to eat a lot of Big Macs and large fries it's watching athletes in their prime competing for gold at the Olympics. Sadly, that's probably how it's going to be marketed. Even sadder is that it will probably work as far as marketing ploys go. Doesn't anybody watch athletics anymore and get inspired to be more athletic?

Apparently not.



When I finish I
swear you grow out
of my fingernails.
I’m clawing you off on
chalk boards and
hearing your screech shat
ter silences deftly a
diamond scratching glass.

What I don’t eat of you
wets my lips quench
es thirst where I lick
with a pointed tongue taste
last night’s wine and
a diet rich with fruit sweet
ness following every

Feel you in the lush for
est of my hair dark and myster
ious coating chutes and
making undergrowth
in the shrubs and berries you
run wild through the barrows of
my phrenology and slide
gracefully down in droplets of my

And what I don’t tell you is
that I’ve considered changing
my name to yours the
name in loopy neon letters
shining on the insides of my eye
lids pilot of this vessel reas
on for this being
guiding me down a jaded path