A Most Peculiar Dream I Just Woke From

Okay, so I had the strangest dream.

I was, I guess, for lack of a better word, a minister. The church I presided over was one of those churches where people tend to sing gospel music more than preach (the kind of church that is actually a lot cooler than 60 minutes of being told you are going to hell). I had just been promoted to minister since the last minister of the church had just recently died.

So anyway, I had to help lead all the songs that were being sung. And, if you know me, I don't know any gospel songs really. So people would be singing and I'd be fudging the words and mumbling incoherently or doing that thing here you sing, "la la la la" to at least make it look like you are interested. And if you do that in church you can get away with it because other people's voices tend to drown you out. In the dream, though, I couldn't because I had a microphone, like a game show host has a microphone. A long skinny one, and whenever the songs would break down into this sort of spot where everybody would hum in unison or something like that, almost like people just know when a good spot for an instrumental section comes. During those spots, I would wander out into the audience and ask them to share stories of their hardships and triumphs with the congregation.

Pretty weird, huh?

But then... finally a song was played that I knew the words to and I was just belting it out with the guest singer who was Gordon Downie, except that he was trying to dress as the devil (who in my dreams wore tacky, tacky, but evil pajamas). Anyway, we were singing "Pretend" which isn't gospel music at all, but for some reason it was on the list of songs to sing. Then just before I wandered out into the audience for more testimonials Gord came up close to me to say:

"Hey, that was pretty good. Pretty good job, kid."

Yeah, it was a pretty good job, wasn't it?

Viagra Makes My Nose Stop Working? Oh Nose!

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A German research team has discovered that larger doses of Viagra can cause a decrease in a man's ability to smell things. Viagra, for those of you who just woke from a 30-year-long nap, is the pill that men can take to get erections for hours on end. The reason why the pill also decreases the ability to smell is nasal congestion.

While this may seem like a drawback to Viagra I think it's quite the opposite.

But Michael, the sense of smell is a wonderful thing. Why when I pop a Viagra and make some quality time with my special lady I like to have a lot of those aroma therapy candles burning not only for mood lighting, but also because the smell is transportive and it's ceases to be us just "making love" and it becomes two souls really "bonding".

Seriously, who the fuck talks like that?

Viagra inhibits my abiliy to smell? Good!

Okay, first off, don't get me wrong. Sex is good and all that, but Viagra hard-ons last quite a while. And I don't give a fuck who you are, after hours of sex, something in that bedroom is going to smell not quite right. If I can't smell it because I'm on Viagra that's a good thing. It can stink and stink and stink and the only person who has to deal with that stench is the woman? Bonus! Maybe if the smell is strong enough it will be incentive enough to have that orgasm she's always bothering me about so we can get the fuck out of the bedroom and into some place with fresh air or soap and water for our naughty bits.

But, here's another way to look at Viagra. Instead of it being strictly a pill for erectile disfunction it can now be marketed as a pill for people who have to work in smelly environs. I mean, take the lowly sewer worker. He goes to work each day and all he gets to smell is shit. What does he do down in the sewers? Nobody really knows, but in addition to doing whatever that is he also has to breathe. I can't imagine being a sewer worker because I just don't have the constitution to deal with that smell.

But now? Oh shit, just bring it on. I'll pop Viagra like Pez just so I don't have to smell anything.

But Michael, won't you also have a huge erection that won't go away?

Yeah, but so what? It's just another hook for me to hang tools off of while I'm sloshing around down there in the sewers.

But what about the people who have to work with you?

Those people are just going to have to give me a wide berth in which to work. Oh no! You mean I won't be able to spoon my fellow sewer workers without it turning into a gay thing? Damn! Besides, if I happen to encounter a willing woman down in the sewer (hey, it could happen; I saw documentaries on sewer prostitutes in one of those third world nations) then it's always go time. Thanks to Viagra I can't smell fecal matter and I'm ready and willing for any sewer prostitute I encounter.

And consider this...would your coworkers bug you to borrow your tools if they knew where those tools were just hanging from?

I didn't think so.

Viagra: The Hard-On Stimulator AND Smell Inhibitor.

I'm a marketing genius.