It's Official: Everything You Do Is Killing The Environment

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Government officials are now citing drinking bottled water as immoral. Some of you are probably drinking a bottle of water as you are reading this and, you know what, you are monsters!

It's about damned time somebody came out and said it. Every time I see some jerk cracking open a bottle of water I vomit emotionally because I know that Mother Nature is getting raped repeatedly for her sweet, sweet mineral water.

Okay, now seriously, what exactly can we do that won't destroy the planet tomorrow?

It's getting to a point where I'm thinking that since there's nothing that we can do to promote a healthy viable planet with healthy, happy people we just need to go balls out in the opposite direction. Instead of drinking a bottle of water, for instance, just go ahead and dump used motor oil in your neighbor's garden.

What? What? What? What? How can you promote such a morally reprehensible act?

Oh it's quite simple really, if the state of affairs is so bad around here that we have to dismiss drinking bottled water as being just as evil as arson, puppy dog tossing, and bread-loaf sodomy, we need to start doing things to make drinking bottled water not seem so bad, comparitively speaking. So go ahead, start dumping oil. Go take a dump in the hallway of your nearest hospital. Go punch a baby. Give it a few weeks and your government officials can put bottled water in it's proper moral category.

Sure, a bottle of water may not move you to the head of the line in the Mother Nature gangbang to oblivion, but at least your not out there punching babies or peeing on hobos.