Saturday, November 19, 2005

The Lounge Singer

The lounge singer performed a cover of "Honkey Tonk Women" by the Rolling Stones.

Closing my eyes I could almost imagine that it was the Stones themselves who were performing that song I was hearing.

Well, the Rolling Stones if Mick Jagger said before the song, "Fuck it, you wankers are such a shitty audience that I'm going to get Keith to sing this one," and then Keith Richards steps up to the mic and you realize that he's in the middle of a heroin binge and he has a syringe sticking out of his bottom lip.

So all you really hear is Keith's syringe tapping against the mic everytime he hits the chorus, which really isn't hitting the chorus at all since he can't even seem to muster the senses needed to belt out the first word of the first verse. You just guess that the syringe is tapping against the mic during the chorus because that's what part of the song that the band seems to be playing except the band is comprised, inexplicably, of rhesus monkeys used previously for clinical tests of psychotropic drugs.

But yeah, I could kind of hear the Rolling Stones when I closed my eyes.

Friday, November 18, 2005

Pornography Storm!

While browsing through Fark tonight I stumbled upon an interesting article that was posted on some sort of religious website. Here's the link to the article in case you want to read it...

Click here.

To sum it up, though, what's written is basically that there is a leading Catholic cardinal who is warning parents about the dangers of giving their children wireless devices as gifts this coming holiday season. Why the warning, you ask? Well, it seems that devices like iPods, cell phones, PSP's and the whole array of shit like that make it a lot simpler for pornography to fall into innocent hands.

First of all, welcome to the age of technology, Catholicism. It's nice to finally have you on board. Pornography in the hands of children, you say? Oh my god! The humanity!

How long have we had the internet for? Correct me if I'm wrong, but hasn't the internet been around for a while now? How many fucking people are left who haven't at least heard of the internet? Not many I reckon.

So how the fuck is pornography falling into the wrong hands suddenly a menace worth warning parents about? You see, don't get me wrong, there is too much porn within eyesight of people who aren't old enough to really understand what it's all about, but unless you've been living in a cave where the only porn is some sort of scantily clad glyph you're probably aware that getting porn is almost easier than breathing. If you're so behind on what technology is capable of you might want to trade your children in for a puppy and leave the parenting to somebody who's a little more equipped for these modern times.

Also, I'll admit that I don't have a lot of these new-fangled gizmos in my possession, but from what I do know, these devices all have really small screens. I think that if your child is getting porn on one of these devices and can actually make out what's happening and be aroused by any of the teeny-weeny dimensions of it all I say you should pat yourself on the back for having a child with a strong imagination. I try to take pictures with my cell phone and it all come out looking like fucking mud it's so pixellated and distorted. Fucking mud, I kid you not.

If the children switch getting their porn from the internet on a full size screen of a computer monitor to a puny cell phone I say good on them for cutting down on their porn intake. Literally.

Finally, when the fuck is this "perfect storm" of pornography going to hit me? The cardinal in the article mentioned the "perfect storm" that is about to hit and I haven't seen a nipple slip or ass cheek of it yet. And I'm always looking for a nipple slip and ass cheek. Seriously, though, don't ask me what constitutes a perfect storm of pornography or what the fuck it looks like, but I imagine it's sexy.

Anything to get rid of the barrage of war images and hotel bombings.

If all else fails just make your kid walk around with a blindfold wrapped around his/her head until the age of 18. No exceptions and definitely no pornography ruining them for life. If that's what ruins people for life.

Thursday, November 17, 2005

Where I've Been

There are probably a few of you out there who are probably wondering why the past couple of days have been kind of devoid of posting here at

I've been busy with live shows. Mind you, not my own shows, but rather a couple of actual big name acts that rolled through the city.

Tuesday night saw Henry Rollins grace the stage of the Winspear Centre once again with nearly three hours of spoken word greatness. This was the fourth time I've seen him live and once again it was absolutely incredible how a man can just talk for three hours straight and I could listen and my ass wasn't even getting sore just sitting there. He told a lot of great stories and got the audience laughing out loud on numerous occasions. What I love most about Henry Rollins' shows is that he is a grateful pseudo-celebrity. He touched on, in his talking, the sort of big names of the current North American cultural landscape like Paris Hilton and Ashlee Simpson almost with a contempt. I found myself thinking about why Henry is so great and I think that what it is is that he is truly appreciative of the audience he gets and I think he really realizes how lucky he is to be the man that he and have the job that he does. It's always a treat to see him and I hope he comes back to Edmonton sooner rather than later.

Wednesday night had Nine Inch Nails come to town with Queens Of The Stone Age and Death From Above 1979. This show was loud. My ears are still ringing. I was really there to see NIN and QOTSA, but I have to admit that I was pleasantly shocked by the music of DFA79, whom I never really heard at great length before. Queens rocked as I expected them to with a set that played most of my favorites by them except "Hanging Tree." Nine Inch Nails, of course, were stellar. Their set was interupted much to the crowd's dismay when the security barricade was broken and Trent Reznor had to instruct the audience to step back a few feet to let security repair the damage. A lot of NIN were played and I can honestly say that I have never seen a show like theirs live before. It was a truly unique experience. The highlight of the night for me was "Eraser" which was performed with a giant transluscent video screen in the foreground displaying images of war and greed. Amazing stuff.

I promise that I will return to form in the next-to-immediate future. Sorry about the interuption in my service.

Monday, November 14, 2005

That Last Little Bit Of Incentive

Click Here.

Okay, I do feel kind of like a dick for saying anything about this, but Bruce Willis has made it public that he will offer the handsome reward of one million dollars for information on the whereabouts of al-Qaeda leaders Osama Bin Laden, Ayman Al-zawahiri, or Abu Musab Al-zarqawi.

Why do you feel like a dick, Michael?

Well, for starters, why the fuck does this million dollar reward offered four years, two months, and two days after the fact need to be made? I mean, what's the significance of the timing of this offer?

Is anybody else like me on this and imagining Bruce Willis stunned by 9/11, so much so that he sits transfixed on his television's replaying of the tragedy around the clock for four years, two months, and two days, and then finally snapping out of it and going, "Oh my god, I will offer one million dollars for information on the persons responsible! This is a fucking outrage!"

That can't be what happened, can it? He's been in some movies since 9/11, hasn't he? So that pretty much proves he hasn't been lying on his couch for over four years, unaware that the world has gone through a whole plethora of significant events.

The government agencies are already offering rewards of 25 million dollars for the same information. So then you have to wonder if that one million dollar added bonus is the magic amount of money that's finally going to bring the information forward.

Somewhere you just know some guy's got the goods on the al-Qaeda leaders, but he wasn't going to just, you know, give up the information for a measly 25 million dollars. Fuck no. I mean a guy would pretty much be reduced to living on bologna sandwiches for the rest of his life after getting only 25 million. 26 million dollars, now that's where it's at.

It's almost a situation where one million dollars is a moot point, if you can imagine that. If 25 million isn't going to get the information readily, 26 millions probably won't get the information any faster.

Now the other thing that I wanted to touch on was Willis' comments on how you don't see a lot of the good things that are happening in Iraq being reported on in the news. You know, the feel-good war stories? Where the fuck are they?

Indeed, Bruce, where are those feel-good war stories? You'd think that all this war hullaballoo was all serious gnashing of teeth and wringing of hands, people fighting and all that nastiness. Where the hell are the clowns and the tumblers? Methinks we've got a severe shortage of clowns and tumblers in this here war. That must be why people are so darned serious about it. When will the world ever learn?

Sunday, November 13, 2005

The Lounge Singer

The lounge singer performed a cover of Sheryl Crow's "If It Makes You Happy."

And, indeed, when I closed my eyes I could imagine Sheryl Crow up there on stage, in person.

Sheryl Crow, if she had suddenly taken on a diet of raw sandpaper, shards of broken glass, and had mysteriously contracted a rare medical condition that doctor's refer to "chronic off-key screeching."

Then, yes, the lounge singer did sound just like Sheryl Crow.