The Bottom Ten, February 2006

10.) Britney Banning Cletus From Piercing Their Baby- Click here. Oh come on, Brits. Your child is already destined for a life of being psychologically warped, why not at least try for a grand slam of bad parenthood?

9.) Groundhog Day- Here, in Alberta, it would seem that the little rodent's predictions of a prolonged winter have come true, but despite the success of that one prediction, the whole business of consulting some stupid fucking ground-dwelling animal for accurate weather forecasts keeps the whole human race a lot closer to the days when we all had big sloped foreheads, furry hands, and struggled to make fire from rubbing two sticks together. Fuck. Can we please evolve past this one now too, please. I'll just keep living my life despite the weather so I really don't give a fuck what your rodent has to say.

8.) People Who Are Too Insecure To See Brokeback Mountain Because Of The Whole Gay Thing- George W. Bush? He did the same thing in that KSU question period. The White House had requested a copy of Brokeback Mountain for review well before that incident. Then George W. Bush won't even admit to having watched it. Homophobia? Probably. People who avoid this movie like the plague because it depicts two men falling in love with each other irk me. Watching The Texas Chainsaw Massacre doesn't make a person a chainsaw wielding cannibal. Watching The Wizard Of Oz doesn't make you a munchkin. Watching Brokeback Mountain won't make you a gay cowboy. Then there are those other people who are angry because it besmirches the archetype of the cowboy. Cowboys aren't supposed to be gay. For those people I submit the cowboy from The Village People. How you like your archetype now, asshats?

7.) People Who Think Too Much Of Canada Being Ousted From Medal Contention In Men's Ice Hockey- There are people all over Canada right now speculating on what Wayne Gretzky should have and should not have done when it came to the assembly of Canada's entry this year into the olympic tournament. The belief is that on any given day, Canada CAN beat any nation in the world at ice hockey. What they fail to see is that it doesn mean that on any given day, Canada DOES beat any nation in the world at ice hockey. The team we sent could have won, but they didn't. There are a lot of good countries out there when it comes to hockey. We'll just have to try harder next time. It's not the end of the world. So please feel free to let Mr. Gretzky get back to his job.

6.) Oprah's Valentine's Day Popularity- Click here. Oprah tied for third with Nicole Kidman and Terri Hatcher as the celebrity that men would most like to send a Valentine to? Women ranked Oprah higher on that same list than Brad Pitt? If this isn't proof that Oprah has entirely too much power in this world than I don't know what is. Seriously, though, guys, Oprah in third place? I could name dozens and dozens of celebrity women I would rather send Valentines to than Oprah. Were you just saying that because your wives would have killed you otherwise? Or does Oprah just have that certain intangible what with her massive ego and never-shutting mouth?

5.)The Resurgence Of Suicide Via Crucifixion- Nothing makes a bold statement that you are, indeed, a martyr suicide like good ol' crucifixion. Just be sure to do one thing if you decide that hanging from a cross is the right way to go for you. Ask for help first.

4.) Waiting For A New Tool CD- This time last year I could comfortably think, Yeah, it'll be a while before Tool is set to release a new album. Now I know that a new offering is just around the corner and the wait becomes its most unbearable because the light at the end of the tunnel is just out of reach. It's like how the wait for Christmas seems to be most excruciating when its just days away as opposed to say in July. That's when every minute feels like eternity.

3.) Pot Flavored Candy- Click here. The state of Georgia is considering banning or restricting the sale of pot-flavored candy. Candy that tastes like pot? Does anybody just look at a bag of pot and think, Goddamn, smoke that shit? Nuh-uh I want to fucking eat it! Nooooo. And why is that? Beause it looks like fucking mulch. I don't think that a candy that tastes like mulch and doesn't actually get you fucked up is really in any danger of becoming the candy of choice among the highly impressionable. If I actually saw kids reaching into bags of lawn clippings for a snack I might reconsider.

2.) Winter Driving- We've had a very mild winter here in Alberta, but the past couple days, as per the predictions of that fucking rodent, we've had a little bit of snow. And what happened? Every fucking driver on the road suddenly starts driving like the conditions are all-to-shit. It's just a little snow. And it's not even that cold outside. Fuck.

1.) The Practice Of Buying People The Worst Fucking Shots Under The Sun For Their Birthday- Okay, this a person whom I respect and I would even consider my friend. What better way than to show this person my respect and admiration than by having the bartender throw a bunch of random shit into a shot glass and make him drink it? Brilliant! It's the drinking equivalent of pot-flavored candy probably.