Friday, September 01, 2006

The Bottom Ten, August 2006

10.) The Man Glossary- Here. Okay, so I'm supposed to call my sandals "mandals" because they are for a man? And then I'm supposed to call a male nanny a "manny"? Look, the whole gender war is fucking done like dinner except for the knuckle-dragging men and women who won't let the stupid son-of-a-bitch die. I mean for fuck's sake, the longer we keep drawing attention making up stupid-as-fuck gender-specific pop culture phrases the longer it will give people the impression that there's somehow a stupid discrepency between men and women in all facets of life. If you ask me "manny" is even more effeminate of a title for a man to give himself than "nanny". That might just be because Hulk Hogan was "Mr. Nanny" and Hollywood Hulk Hogan's entrance music was at one time "Voodoo Chile" by Jimi Hendrix and it doesn't get much more masculine than that.

9.) The Appearance Of Religious Icons In Foodstuffs- Here. Jesus appears on your shrimp's tail? Of course he does. You're a nutjob. The guy dies by crucifixion and rises three days later before ascending to Heaven. Then he waits over 2000 years to make his triumphant return in the form of a shrimp tail. Ah, just as the gospel of Red Lobster foretold! I'm so sorry to have ever doubted you.

8.) The People Who Buy Religious Icon Foodstuffs Off Of eBay- What's worse than the people who discover the face of religious icons making miraculous appearances in their food are the idiots who pay huge sums of money to buy that food off of eBay. I think that the religious right has entirely too much disposable income when they can buy some dude's half-eaten Jesus toast for thousands of dollars.

7.) People Who Have Some Sort Of Lucky Feeling About The Number 7- It's the number after 6, but comes before 8. Holy shit! I see why it's considered so lucky too!

6.) Chez Hitler- Here. Fuck. Indian Jews are upset that a new restaurant in Mumbai is built around a Hitler theme. You know what? I can see why they would be upset. I mean, it is Hitler. But come on, are you really that concerned? Sure, there's a restaurant named after Hitler, but do you actually think that a Hitler-themed restaurant is going to be a successful eatery? If there's one thing that makes me hungry it's thinking about the Holocaust and World War II. So why not just sit back, pay no mind to the stupid idea for a restaurant thus giving it no free publicity, and let it fail based solely on the fact that Hitler does not inspire hearty appetites and good eats.

5.) White Collar Crime In The Virtual World- Here. Okay, so this MMORPG (Massively Multiplayer Online RolePlaying Game) player created a virtual bank within the world of the game that he was playing and his fellow players invested their money with him and he absconded with it all. And you know what sucks the worst about all of this? I can't get the voice of Ogre from Revenge Of The Nerds out of my head as he yelled, "Nerds!"

4.)Revenge Of The Nerds- Here. I've ragged on remakes before. But come on, how the fuck can you find somebody to replace Booger? It cannot be done. So why even try?

3.) Shampoo- I'm almost at a point where I want to say, "Fuck washing my hair! Fuck everything!" Have you ever gone shampoo shopping? Good luck trying to find shampoo anymore. There's shampoo for all occasions out there, but never plain old fucking clean-your-hair shampoo! And when you go to the shampoo factory, that's right, all that shit comes out of the same tank. Fuck you, shampoo industry!

2.) Conditioner- My latest conspiracy theory is that the conditioner people are in cahoots with the shampoo people. They're busy plotting how they can fuck with all of us luxuriously-haired people for the rest of our lives. I'm onto you, you conditioner people. I have fucking eyes. I can fucking see.

1.) Automated Phone Calls- I checked my voicemail today and there was a message saying that in order for me to claim my free all-inclusive trip to Mexico that I had to press 3 now. Apparently the automated phone machine that called me didn't realize that it was talking to my voicemail. At that moment I kind of had this zen-like feeling because it was a machine that called a machine and for a brief moment they had a conversation, in English, but neither of them knew what the fuck the other was saying. It's time like these that make me think it will be a long, long time before any machine would ever be smart enough to hunt for Sarah Conner.

Tuesday, August 29, 2006

Hey Ya!

While doing some surfing around on the web I found a video of an acoustic cover of Outkast's modern classic "Hey Ya!" hosted on DailySixer which just has to be seen. I thought I would throw a link to it for you because I actually thought it was a pretty damn good cover. Here's the link for you...

Click here.

Monday, August 28, 2006

Like Cinderella, But With Underwear

Since I'm on the topic of this past weekend's Tool concert in Edmonton I should tell you a little bit about some of the great merchandise I was able to get my grubby hands on while there. Those of you who have known me a while know that I have a fairly extensive collection of Tool t-shirts and other band merchandise. So, naturally, when there's a Tool concert in town there's also a bunch of brand new Tool merchandise to buy in town as well. I bought myself a Tool hoodie with the album cover to 10,000 Days on it, a tour t-shirt, a long sleeve tee with a giant eye on the back of it, an album by Isis, Tool's opening act for the evening, a hat, a huge Alex Grey Tool poster, and some underwear.

That's right, underwear.

When it came to be my turn at the souvenir stand I took note of a pair of shorts hanging up on display with a placard that read: "Men's Shorts/Women's Panties $20.00" Since I had yet to own a pair of Tool underwear I thought, what the hell, and bought myself a pair.

I watched the concert.

I went home.

When I got home I surveyed all my new Tool loot. And you know what? There's really no way this could be men's underwear. At first I kind of felt like a tool for having bought them in the first place. Sure, the placard said "Men's Shorts/Women's Panties" but the pair on display really didn't look like the kind of underwear I would normally wear (I am a boxers man after all) and they looked skimpy, even on display.

But then I had an idea so good that you could practically see the little metaphorical light bulb shining above my head. And it was shining bright. It must have been like a 400 watt bulb the idea was so good:

I would hold onto these "Men's Shorts/Women's Panties." Not because I'm going to wear them. I don't think they would fit. I would feel self-conscious about the label inside them reading "ClassicGirl," and I wouldn't want my testicles to swinging back and forth, separated by a narrow band of cloth like those clacker balls you would see at the psychiastrist's office. I would probably need a psychiatrist if I started to wear these things. But I will hold onto them.

Why?

Well, here's the big idea I spoke of. Basically, any woman willing to wear this underwear must be into Tool. Or it's wash-day and she has no other underwear that doesn't have the word Tool written on the crotch. But more likely than not she's into Tool. If she's into Tool then she must be my kind of woman and I would give them to her so she could wear them.

Ah, you see? It's like a thoughtful gift from a guy to his favorite girl except the favorite girl isn't even there yet.

I could meet that girl and when the time was right I could get down on one knee and pull out the little jewelry box and give it to her. She would get a tear of joy in her eye and gasp just a little. She'd open the box and find... Tool underwear! And I would propose. I'd help her slip into the underwear (and then a minute later out of the underwear, if you know what I mean) and nine months later the next generation of Tool fans gets born. Like Cinderella, but with underwear.

How's that for an idea?

You're damn right I'm a fucking genius.

I've been going around since Saturday asking all the girls first what size of underwear they wear (I get slapped a lot) and then I ask them if they like Tool (I get slapped a lot more). Maybe this idea isn't so shit-hot after all. Luckily I can wrap a few ice cubes with the engagement underwear and reduce the swelling in my face from repeated slaps.

If nothing else comes of this I suppose I could somehow write a screenplay for a porno based on this. I mean a guy going around looking for the perfect woman to fit in this underwear that he happens upon sounds like the premise for a porno movie. Now there's another great idea.

I'm a fucking genius.

After The Great Show

On Friday night Tool rolled through town on their summer/fall North American tour. Needless to say I was ecstatic to see my favorite band play live again.

This was the second time that I got to see Tool live and I found it to be a completely different concert experience than the last time they came to town. This time around Tool put on more of a traditional rock show. I remember seeing them in 2002 and was struck by how dimly lit the band members were to draw attention away from the band and focus that attention on the video screens that up around the stage. This time there was better lighting for the band. Maynard still stood on a riser at the back of the stage while drummer Danny Carey's monster drumkit (quite possibly the largest drumkit in existence) was at the center of the stage with guitarist Adam Jones and bassist Justin Chancellor flanking the drumkit's riser on the right and left respectively.

The setlist that Tool had for this show looks remarkably short on paper:

Stinkfist
The Pot
Forty Six & 2
Jambi
Schism
Rosetta Stoned
Opiate
Sober
Lateralus
Vicarious
├ćnema

And for as short as that setlist looks realize that it took around two hours for the band to get through it all. In hindsight I can name about a dozen more songs that I would have loved to hear them play, but this was still a killer set by any stretch of the imagination. The songs were performed with killer precision and they were loud. This concert was easily the loudest concert that I had ever been to. The band would sometimes segue with instrumentals between songs, allowing them to ebb and flow very smoothly, effortlessly. My favorite song of the set turned out to be "Rosetta Stoned" a song off of their latest album 10,000 Days that I had really not listened to very much.

Maynard had some sparse banter for the audience, greeting them with, "Calgary said to say 'hi.'" When the audience put forth its best We-Hate-Calgary boo Maynard replied with, "What, did they fuck your girlfriend or something?" Oh Maynard, you jokester. Later, during a pause in the setlist Maynard joked "How do you stop a dog from humping your leg?" The answer, of course, "Pick it up and start sucking its dick."

All-in-all this show was probably the best I had ever been to. It's tough to compare it to the first time I saw Tool because the concerts seemed like two entirely different beasts. The first time I saw them it was a multimedia art experience and this time was more of a rock concert.

It was an amazing show and if you missed it I pity you.

Don't despair too much. Maynard did hint that they would be returning to Alberta soon, though he did add that he would be one of the stormtroopers invading from America for our oil. Oh well, you win some, you lose some. I do hope they come back eventually. I would pay good money to see another show like that.