Wednesday, October 05, 2005

How I Was Almost Cool For Once

So today I went to one of the local malls to get a haircut at my regular salon. I won't tell you which mall or which hair salon it is because the last time I made that mistake I had fans and random yahoos waiting for me in throngs, literally throngs, that really made mall officials angry at me and subsequently earned me a permanent ban from Milbourne Mall. Damn you, Milbourne!

So, anyway, before I get off on a tangent about Milbourne Mall I should really tell you about this cool thing that I almost did while I was at the mall today.

Did you buy some Jennifer Lopez perfume for a special lady, Michael?

First off, I said "almost did." Secondly, Jennifer Lopez perfume is not cool. Thirdly, fuck you. In fourth place, up the ass. And coming up the rear, so shut up.

But seriously, folks, when I was leaving with my ultra-hotness new haircut I was walking to my car and I was thinking, fuck, is it cold out here.

And that was the cool thing?

Stop interupting.

And as I was getting closer to my car I happened to notice that parked in the vacinity was one of the photo radar vans that the Edmonton Police use. I say, "one of the photo radar vans" because I'm not sure exactly how many of the fucking things our tax dollars have bought, but at any rate, there was one of them parked near my car. Whoever was in charge of it must have been at the mall to buy some film for the camera on the van or getting the film from the camera developed at Black's.

So there I was, face-to-face, with what is perhaps the most loathed vehicle in the entire city.

And you know what?

I wish I had my camera with me. Because immediately I thought how cool it would be to go behind that van and take a photo of its license plate so that I could print it up and make up some childish looking speeding ticket, say made with crayon or something, attach said photo of photo radar van license plate to it and send it the police demanding payment. That would be funny. I actually spent the next 23 minutes in my parked car laughing about how funny that would be. In fact, in the amount of time that I spent laughing about how cool I would be for trying to ticket the police for a change I probably could have driven to my house (speeding naturally since the photo radar van was parked at the mall), got my camera and come back to snap the quintessential photo.

But Michael, the photo radar van saves lives. It prevents people from speeding and when people drive slower fewer accidents happen and fewer pedestrians get run down trying to cross in marked crosswalks.

Wrong! That's what the politicians tell you. Now I'm not expert on photographic technology, but from what I do think I know, there isn't a camera that has been invented yet that can actually physically prevent somebody from speeding in their vehicle. Okay, maybe the police have some sort of super-fancy ultra high tech shit that the normal photographer isn't privy to just yet. Maybe when they snap a picture speeders really do stop dead. I wouldn't know because I don't speed. It seems to me, though, that what the camera on board the photo radar van actually does is take pictures of speeding vehicles, which by my calculations...

...Hold on, folks, let me double check my calculations here because I have made mistakes with my math before...

Nope, it's still telling me that taking pictures of really fast things doesn't make them any slower, it still just gets you a picture that you can mail to them a week later demanding payment on a ticket.

Michael, I've seen it work, though. They took a picture and all the speeders stopped dead in their tracks.

No you haven't. Stop bullshitting me. If they really want them to stop dead they have to pull them over the old fashioned way or, at the very least, open fire on the speeding vehicle, hoping to incapacitate the driver with bullets. Turning the city streets into a strobe light discotheque only makes the speeders look really cool like their car is moving so fast that it has it's own lighting effects, like when you watch some sort of kung-fu movie that has at least one big fist fight happen on a dance floor.

Michael, what do you have against the police?

Nothing. I think that sometimes their finances get put into the wrong areas. Photography, while it's been a financial success for the police, was probably not an area that we needed the police to take care of. Crimefighting, maybe could have used some more money. Aside from that I think the police do a bang up job here in the city and I think, by and large, it's a thankless job due, in large part, to asshats like me spouting off about their cameras.

Seriously, though, I wouldn't actually do shit like that. Or would I?

Also, I mean there are better places, economically speaking to get your film developed other than Black's. Unless you have some sort of bulk discount for the photo radar van you should really look into throwing your business at one of the smaller, non-nationwide, chains. Just imagine how cool it would be to get not only the regular photo of your license plate as it speeds away, but also a few wallet-size, and, maybe, just maybe, a 10x13 of the same shot? I'd hang that sucker up on the wall if I got clocked going over 100 in a 60 zone. Of course the photo wouldn't have stopped me from going over 100 in a 60, but it'd give me some lasting memories. I 'd get it framed and call it "The Day The Police Noticed Me Doing Something Because I'm Cool."

Sorry, I'm just rambling now. Damn you, Milbourne Mall!


Anonymous said...

HEY! You leave Millbourne alone! Aside from being the most useless mall with a depressing Safeway and grungy bar, its adequate I quess.
You should have thrown a tire iron through the window of that police coffiers padding, cum guzzling, double fisting, dreaming of nothing but horse ass a bucket and jar of vaseline on lonley nights, getting face fucked by a hobo in the back of the shelter where was I going with this? Oh yeah PRICKS!

Michael said...

Oh wow...I didn't realize there were so many fans of Millbourne Mall in the audience. Something about the Windmill Bar that just seems to call to people.

Anonymous said...

I like being knifed while I am drinking thankyou.

Michael said...

I find that a little knifing adds to the ambience of most drinking establishments. I remember hanging out at the Windmill on a fairly regular basis oh, say, about 10 years ago. At that time it wasn't so bad. We'd play pool and get drunk. Fond memories. From what I've heard, though, it sounds like the place really went downhill. Shame.