Protip For Alberta Campers

Camping season is fast approaching here in desolate Alberta, Canada (sorry Tourism Alberta, your cheque bounced hard and fast; that's the only endorsement you'll get from me). With the warmer weather comes what promises to be many cherished memories, "off-road" vehicles getting trashed actually going off-road, wild mountain lion attacks, cases of West Nile Virus, and whatever else it is you campers partake in year after year while I, being pasty white and incredibly handsome, enjoy the finer things in life like running water, internet porn, and periodic suburban gunshot wounds.

One thing that you campers will not be able to partake in for a little while at the very least, is the tried and true tradition of the cheery campfire. No hot dogs on sharpened sticks, no marshmallows set aflame and sizzling black, no disposal of evidence by fire. Nope, none of that for you. Dry conditions. High risk of forest fire.

And really, who the fuck would want to travel out into the woods and sit around WITHOUT a campfire. Campfires are fun. They burn stuff up, they make your clothes smell, and they provide the lighting for some of the most miserable experiences of you life. That time you got so drunk you passed out face down in the mud? Yep, it was by the fireside. That time you got so drunk you passed out face down in the mud and got sodomized by a lecherous grizzly bear? You better believe that was by the fireside too. He probably wouldn't have been able to see what he was doing had you been anywhere else.

So then what? Are you just going to go out into the wild without fire? How will the bears see to rape you? How are you going to char a tubesteak? What else will you use to burn all that excess gasoline and all those old tires you pack your vehicles with?

If you start a fire the game wardens will have you thrown into PMITA prison for a stiff sentence.

Or will they?

Here at Michael Appleby industries we are always coming up with new ways to make your life easier. And after 2.75 years of research in our state-of-the-art laboraties (i.e. my basement) we have developed a way for you to go camping during the fireban and enjoy your campfire too.

We call it, I didn't start this fire, officer.

Here's how it works.

Quite simply, when the game warden approaches your campsite, taser in hand, to bust you for having a campfire during the fireban you defend yourself by saying, "I didn't start this fire, officer." Resist the urge to sing it a la the early 90's Billy Joel song.

Then proceed to explain that you were trying to douse the fire with uncooked weiners and marshmallows.

Really, what the fuck is he going to do? You can't be busted for trying to put out a fire. So what if your methods of trying to extinguish a fire during the fireban are stupid. I guarantee you that if you throw enough weiners at a fire it'll be snuffed out. You just didn't bring enough weiners to snuff the fire right away. You can't be busted for that. Same goes for marshmallows. Dump enough marshmallow on an out-of-control forest fire, which the one in your campsite seems to be, albeit in the very early stages, and that fire will be toasted. Toasted marshmallows that is! Sorry, I was waiting for some excuse to bust that one out.

Anyway, the point is that without the surveillance equipment that cities conveniently have in spades no one can prove whether you started the fire or if you were trying to put it out with a frying pan and a quarter pound of bacon.

If you're asked what caused the fire, just say, "Lightning strike." If the skies are clear say, "Squirrel spontaneously combusted. Damnedest thing I ever saw," maybe throw a dead squirrel in the fire before you try using that one. Really, who cares how the fire started, you're fighting it! Ask the warden for help. Make it convincing.

"Look man, we can argue all day long as to how a squirrel spontaneously combusted right in that fire pit, but what's important is that it happened and now we have to deal with it. Alberta's woodlands are at risk! Quick, grab more weiners, I think we can create a buffer between the fire pit and the rest of Alberta if we can just get enough weiners in there."

Sure enough, you'll get your hot dogs and your toasted marshmallows, your campfire sing-alongs. Not only will you not be arrested for it, but they should damn well give you some sort of medal of valor for corageously fighting the bane of all humanity: fire.

Disclaimer: Do not actually attempt this. While this tactic might work, our R&D department has also found that well lit campsites experience instances of grizzly bear sodomy 268% more than completely dark campsites. You're best to play it safe and make your campsites look completely empty of all human life.