Saturday, July 01, 2006

I'm Sure This Matters

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A movie that is getting set for release, "Facing The Giants," is being bitch-slapped by the MPAA (the Motion Picture Association of America) with a PG rating because it was rife with religious content.

And the movie's makers? Pissed off.

Why are they pissed off, you ask? Well, the MPAA rated the movie PG instead of G. PG implies that there is material in a given movie that would require parental guidance whereas a G rating implies that any simp can go watch the fucking movie and there's absolutely no danger of being warped from the experience. As you can tell I was raised watching many G rated movies.

So there's the flap, the legal squabble. You have two sides splitting hairs over PG and G ratings.

Okay, picture it, if you will, you're a 5-year-old kid out on the town with your best buds, cruising the mall and picking up hot-looking toddler chicks and then you decide, Holy shit, dude, we should totally hit up the multiplex because I really need a darkened theater to put the sweet, sweet moves on this three-year-old nympho! So you go to the theater and, because you're only five fucking years old, you have a decidedly reduced choice of movies that you can get into. On one hand you could probably go to see "Cars" or you could go see "Facing The Giants" except that.... Oh what the fuck, man, that fucking movie's been slapped with a PG rating. We're going to have to sneak into that one! Fuck! And then, by that point, your plans of sneaking into the steamy PG rated movie as opposed to, say, its G rated counterparts, has taken so long that the three old nympho that you met at the food court has left to hook up with somebody who is old enough to get into PG rated movies with the parental units. Aw fuck! When will the MPAA ever learn?

Now, did you notice anything wrong at all with the previous paragraph? That's right, the last two sentence should have been italicized to keep in tune with the internalized voice I established before. Oh, and also there aren't many five-year-old fucking kids who cruise the fucking mall looking for three-year-old nymphos to hook up with at screenings of a PG rated Christian movie! It should pretty much be a given that if you aren't old enough to get into a movie by yourself you're probably going to be accompanied by an adult, thus satisfying the silly requirements of the almost entirely bullshit rating we know as P-fucking-G. In this day and age you mean to tell me that there are parents who would let little children just blithely wander into darkened movie theaters all by themselves when they're not old enough to get into PG rated movies on their own? With MySpace users and other sexual deviants comprising 73% of the general population? Are you people insane?

You're splitting hairs on a fucking rating that is useless. Way to go morons. I'm sure there will be a ton of parents who are going to be holding their kid's hand outside the multiplex looking at the movie poster and seeing that demonic PG rating and going, "Hmmmm, I wonder if little Sally is going to want to see a religious movie about a football coach or if she would rather see an animated movie about talking cars."

"Any strong or mature discussion of any subject matter results in at least a PG rating," Glickman said. "This movie had a mature discussion about pregnancy, for example. It also had other mature discussions that some parents might want to be aware of before taking their kids to see this movie."

Ahhhhhh...so the whole religious persecution was just a figment of the fundamentalist right wing's imagination. Those stupid idiots. All along they were crying persecution for their religious beliefs, but they failed to make a note of the fact that when the subject of pregnancy comes up in the movie there might be more than a handful of little five and six year olds who want to know about the mysteries of life, love, and donkey punching.

Do I intend to see the controversial "Facing The Giants"? No. And it's not because the religious themes don't mesh with my sensibilities. It's because it just doesn't sound that interesting to me, which I am suspecting is how a lot of little kids are going to be seeing this movie, especially when you put it next to movies about talking cars and forest animals with witty retorts to everything that comes their way.

Religious persecution indeed.

2 comments:

Selina said...

Actually, the controversy is even siller because kids of any age CAN get into a PG movie, it's just a warning to the parents that something might possibly be objectionable in content. So the religious right is creating a stink over a completely moot point. Lame. They must not have better things to do in U.S. politics, like worry about 18 year olds getting their heads blown off in Afghanistan.

Michael said...

So you mean that the five-year-old looking for some sweet pooty-tang doesn't even have to create a devious way of getting into a PG rated movie since there's no age restriction on PG rated movies? What a rip-off. I was beginning to think that he was some sort of rebel messiah what with the plans for premarital sex and sneaking into movies he isn't allowed in. Really, though, he can get into that movie just fine and that toddler girl is probably in reality 15 and has probably had sex with a dozen guys that day. Sigh. So much for my messiah.