Friday, January 06, 2006

Won't Somebody, Please, Think Of The Hoodies?!?!

Okay, first off, let me start this off by saying that violence isn't cool. I know that the "cool" people's propaganda machine has made it out to seem that boot-fucking a fellow human's skull is somehow "hip" or "righteous," but try to think of it from the perspective of the person being boot-fucked. Now does it seem so cool?

Speaking from experience I can remember many instances from my youth in which I faced a lot of peer pressure to commit acts of violence.

"Come on, Michael. Let's go club that old lady with these 4 month old baguettes!"

or:

"Gee, Michael, wouldn't it be swell if we tried to take on that whole playschool class walking down the sidewalk in a battle royale to the death? Come on, I'll go get my ass-whomping boots!"

Certainly, there were other instances, but I'm just naming some of them off the top of my head. I mean, they were some nice "ass-whomping boots," but that doesn't justify pummeling a couple dozen playschool kids.

Okay, Michael, where the fuck are you going with all this? You're rambling is making me want to go pull my ass-whomping boots out and whomp your ass! Wow me for fuck's sake.

Okay, okay, Mr. Impatient. Here it is.

Click Here.

Oh, those wacky Britons! Anti-crime crusaders have lambasted this French company for producing a hoody that can zip it's hood all the way over and convert into (gasp!) a ski mask. Why? Because “It might look good on a ski slope and keep you warm, but it would look terrifying in any British street late at night.”

But this is where I really need you to click that link. The images contained in the article are copyright to the Sun and I certainly don't need the Britons lambasting me next for reproducing their images. Doesn't the guy wearing the hoody look like a Luchador? His professional wrestling name could be El Camo Pinto! And his finishing move could be a sort of half-swaton-bomb, half-fall-off-the-top-rope-because-the-mask-has-poor-visibility-and-scream-oh-fucking-blimey-I've-soiled-me-luchador-knickers! That would be quite the move, trust me people who aren't familiar with pro wrestling or its moves. It's a move that I just made up off the top of my head and I have it copyrighted in case you were interested in starting a lucrative career in the field of pro wrestling and needed a finishing move.

But now I'm rambling again. Back to the task at hand...

Seriously, though, what the fuck? You're upset because when the hood is zipped up all the way it can be used to conceal the identity of an attacker? Seriously, that's what the fucking problem is?

Newflash: there's a lot of shit out there that can be used to conceal the identity of an attacker! Lots of shit! If an attacker wants to conceal his/her identity that badly there is always a way. It doesn't take a fucking hoodie to suddenly turn somebody into Mr. Incognito, Rapist-At-Large! It's like you think that the gene that makes people evil somehow also makes them fucking stupid.

Well golly gee-whiz, I could never go on that massive murder spree that I've always wanted to go on because nobody made a hoody that not only kept me warm, but concealed my identity as a mass murderer. Now with this hoody I the puzzle is complete and people can die! Thank you French company who makes these hoodies!

Does that really happen? Come on, really? I hate getting all rhetorical on your ass, but sometimes it's necessary to prove a point.

Tonight that point is this. It's not the clothes that make the man or woman or whatever a criminal. It's the fucking crime that makes the criminal! If you're so concerned about stopping crime stop fucking around with French hoody manufacturers and start focusing your attention on criminals!

Besides, and I hate to really mention this because I'm not what you could call a fashion expert, that hoody is pretty fucking silly looking. I don't think this is going to be the next big thing in fashion. I doubt that there will really be that many people who wake up and say, "Holy shit! I want to look like I'm into the whole bondage culture, but I really don't want to have to contend with the chaffing of tight vinyl." That being said, pointing a criminal out who accosted you wearing such a silly-looking thing should be pretty easy. Just look for the big fucking zipper running up the middle of his face!

2 comments:

Anonymous said...

I am gong to buy one of those hoodies and rob you while wearing it. Then maybe we will both have a good laugh about the whole situation. Well maybe just me not you because you are being robbed.

jordan said...

I remember that day at the playschool. I thought you had my back, but when I was overwhealmed by that bloodthirsty pack of 3 and 4-year-olds, you suddenly were nowhere to be found.

Every time I look in the mirror and see the scars in the shape of tiny shoes that now cover 60% of my body, I remember your cowardice, Mike Appleby!