Monday, September 26, 2005

Interrogating Brodie...An In Depth Interview With Canada's Sweetheart

Recently, while on a bender in Tijuana I had chance to catch up with Canada's Sweetheart, Brodie Millar. I thought that, as per my promises in the comments, it would behoof me to follow through and provide you, my readers, with the world's first interview with this enigmatic character who had the unique sense of vision to donate 13 dozen boxes of Always Extra Absorbent to the relief efforts in New Orleans. What follows is a shocking dialogue not for the faint of heart.

Michael:
Okay, then. So for the record, what is your name?
Brodie:
Brodie "Sexy Beast" Millar
Michael:
Very nice. So how did you come by the nickname "Sexy Beast" or is it more of a very progressive middle name given to you by your parents?
Brodie:
No, no. My parents would never give me the name "Sexy Beast" - that's just wrong! It was a name given to me by my previous girlfriend Lucia, a 48 year old crack-whore from 97th Street... ahh I miss being 14.
Michael:
Lucia? From 97th Street? I dated her when I was 15! Wow, what a small world this is! To think, all those times that she said she was going to take her "Sexy Beast" for a walk I thought she was talking about her dog and I would say, "Okay then, see ya!" Wow.
Brodie:
Wow, really? I never knew that.
Michael:
Did you ever meet Fernando? That was her pimp for a while? He used to smack her around with ruler for a while.
Brodie:
Ah yes, I met Fernando... what a crazy fellow he was (and still is).
Michael:
So, do you have a personal motto that you live by?
Brodie:
No motto really... I just try to live each day as it comes, always striving to be my personal best and as always keep my genital herpes under control... Damn B-Day present from Lucia! I thought it was cologne!
Michael:
Does it itch?
Brodie:
Only on the first Tuesday of every other month... Other then that it's great!
Michael:
Lovely. Do you have any favorite authors or artists to recommend to your fans out there?
Brodie:
I don't support art or so-called "artists". They are too free-thinking for my liking - propelling the expansion of communism in our society!
Michael:
Those damn communists! So do you have any words of advice for, say, a 12-year-old indonesian boy with dreams of porno movie stardom?
Brodie:
My advice is: Viagra, Viagra, Viagra! Nothing better to keep a young man "going" if you know what I mean... I know from experience.
Michael:
Perfect. I'll let Ping Lau know what you said. So, some of the sexy women readers out there have been dying to know....baked or mashed potatoes?
Brodie:
Mashed, definetly mashed... Much better to use as a lubricant in the love-making process. The baked potato just gets in the way and causes "slippage". But I must say, those bacon bits on the baked potato are something that everyone must experience at least once while fornicating with their respective loved one
Brodie:
mmm... I'm starting to get hungry and turned on... Strange how a mashed potato conversation can do that to someone
Michael:
I'm sure the female readers appreciate it greatly. So do you have any final bit of wisdom to impart on the readers before I wrap this up?
Brodie:
Live long, laugh often and learn to respect the potato!
Michael:
Excellent...thank you very much

4 comments:

Viva Las Anonymous said...

So Brodies a sexy beast eh?
Welly welly wellikers I think I just learned too much about Brodie. Thankyou very much. You really should have posted a pic though.

brodie said...

Hey, I don't remember any of this! Either Michael made this up, or it happened during one of my heroin induced blackouts. I'm thinking Michael made all of this up. You bastard!

Michael said...

Bwahahahahaha! I'm so fucking evil.

Anonymous said...

Herion induced blackouts? Really Brodie tell me where you score this so-called sweet lady H. No really tell me then I can re-inact that part in Pulp Fiction. You know the scene where the chick does the like of Heroin thinking its cocaine and then Buddy has to jab the huge needle into her heart. Its really intense and shit and after when you breathe you say- "Fuck that is so on my list of things to do before I die"
Then the other people in the room say what-"O.D.ing or jabbing a huge needle into someones heart?"
Too which you say-"Whatever comes first."