Tuesday, September 27, 2005

"Reality" Television Part 2

So, okay, there is more that I wanted to say about this bullshit.

I mean can you picture the producers of the reality show in question talking to the families.

Okay, punk family...

We're not punks.

For our show you are. Just act really punk. I mean people have to know that you're the epitome of punk. Say, how would you feel about Junior getting a mohawk and cussing out Jesus a little bit. Our research has shown that people who wear mohawks and cuss out Jesus a little are definitely more punk than just being an aver 10-year-old boy.

But I love Jesus and my friends will laugh at me if I get a mohawk.

Look, we need a punk rock family, are you in or not? There are literally thousands of families who would jump at the opportunity that I am now just placing right in your lap. So you have to cuss out Jesus a little and look kind of silly, big deal. Wouldn't it all be worth it if, say, we gave you jet-skis?

But we don't even live near a lake and I hate the water.

That's great! So I'll just need you to sign here and we'll put you on t.v. just as soon as our image consultant is happy with the punk rock look you're totally going to pull off!

But my favorite is Lawrence Welk; he's not punk rock.

Shut it, kid! Just do this little bitty thing for us and you'll get your very own jet-ski.

But now imagine if they had tried that same shit with a true punk rock god.

Network Executive Type:
So, punk rock family...

Iggy Pop:
We're not "punk rock family". We're family and I'll fucking drink soup out of your fucking skull you shit-stain corporate weasel if you try to fuck with us.

Netword Executive Type
Mr. Pop, we would never dream of "fucking" with you. We just want to make sure that you're up-to-snuff on what we need from you and your family to make our wife-swapping reality based show the best show that it can be.

Iggy Pop lunges across the table and crushes Network Executive Type with his abs.

I guess the point I'm trying to make is that the network executive types picked for this show what appears to be the most docile family of punks I've ever seen. It's like a friendly, more conformist breed of punk. And that's what makes no sense. How can something be its own antithesis?

Hi, we're the punk family. We've brought you a lovely bouquet of wild flowers and a gift basket filled with jams and jellies from around the world. We hope you love living in our neighborhood. Be sure to watch for us on network television this fall. We're participating in a reality based television show in which we swap wives with a clean-cut family. It promises to be wacky. And we love wacky because we're a wacky bunch of punks rockers, aren't we kids?


Bah! They should have put me on the wife-swapping show. Of course, I don't have a wife, but I would make everybody in my surrogate family sit around and bitch about all the shit that they are powerless to change. It promises to be the most depressing, profanity laden fucking show on television. Come on, fuckers, give a guy a chance!

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