The Bottom Ten, March 2006

10.) National Holidays That Just Don't Seem Right- Click here. Terri Schiavo Day? Ahhhh, nothing will make the members of the public stand up against euthanasia than a national holiday. Why is it that when special interest groups want to promote awareness of their cause the plan of attack they seem to always come up with is to petition for a national holiday? Newsflash special interest groups: national holidays are viewed by most of the working class as another day off for drinking and partying and not having to go to work. If you want people to believe in what you believe in petition the government to take away a Saturday as a day off and make it a work day until people start voicing their support of your cause. I guarantee that they'll all be on board after year one of that fiasco.

9.) Competitive Eating- Click here. Okay, I'll admit there is a sort of mild fascination I have with watching gluttony at it's most professional level. But do you ever think when you're watching these guys dunk hot dogs in water and eat, like, 40 or so of them in one sitting, Hey, I wonder if they ever broadcast these eating contests in those countries where Sally Struthers goes?

8.) Those Anti-Piracy Public Service Announcements They Show Before Movies- Okay, sure, it's cool and noble that the major film production companies want to protect their profit lines with brilliant PSA's with awe-inspiring informative missives like "Stealing is illegal." But one obvious thing that those PSA's fail to address is the coolness factor associated with being a pirate. Because if illegally duplicating those intellectual properties is piracy, the people who perform such deeds are pirates. They need to make PSA's that let the public know that pirates aren't cool, but everybody knows that's just a flat-out lie.

7.) Ty Pennington- He's the host of ABC's Extreme Makeover: Home Edition and he is quite possibly the most obnoxiously enthusiastic person on television. Which is odd because pretty much every family that gets a makeover for their home is some sort of tv-movie-of-the-week tragedy. I think the guy is doing some sort of drug behind the scenes to make him that hyper.

6.) Larry The Cable Guy- A source of pride in my life up to this point has been the fact that I have not been familiar with the work of Larry The Cable Guy. People would come up to me at parties and such and ask, "Hey Michael, did you see that Larry The Cable Guy in concert DVD yet?" To which I would reply, "No. No I did not." Now I still haven't seen that hillbilly comedy DVD yet (another source of pride in my life), but now I have been made somewhat more familiar with the work of Larry The Cable Guy because now he is appearing in a movie named for him! So much for my sources of pride. I used to be able to say, "I don't know who Larry The Cable Guy is, but he sounds like a flash-in-pan lowering of comedic standards if ever one existed." Now, though, I have to say, "I know who Larry The Cable Guy is. He's that flash-in-the-pan lowering of comedic standards that now has his own movie." Why is this so bad, you ask? Now I have to change my business cards.

5.) People Who Park In Fire Lanes- Lazy people in general piss me the fuck off, but I hate people who somehow justify to themselves, and to the world, that they're not lazy; they're just parking in the fire lane because they only have to be inside a given building for five minutes, tops. Ladies and gentlemen, five minutes is never five minutes and parking in the fire lane when there are perfectly good parking spaces that wouldn't block a fire truck trying to get through in an emergency like 10 feet further back from where you parked makes you an inconsiderate, lazy douchebag.

4.) Exploiting Hard Luck Cases For Ratings- Yeah Extreme Makeover: Home Edition, I'm looking at you.

3.) The Opening Of The First Upscale Walmart Store- Wrapping a turd with tin foil doesn't make it candy. If you haven't heard, they've opened a Walmart store in Texas where they serve Sushi and have a selection of fine wines, high end electronics, etc. etc. If there's one thing that I know about rich people it's that they would absolutely love to be able to say they were caught shopping at Walmart. I think that if your niche is a cesspool of savings then you should just stick to what you know instead of trying to dress it up by serving sushi. I think that Walmart has bigger fish to fry right now than trying to find a way to appeal to the upper class.

2.) Nude Photos Of Britney Spears Being Bought By An Online Casino- Click here. In a shocking bit of news, nude photos of Britney Spears not only exist, but they've been bought by an online casino. Now the whole world could potentially see the last remaining 3.7 square inches of her body that haven't appeared in photographs made public yet. What I don't get is why she's so angry about the matter. She been pretty much nude in half the stuff she's appeared in, so what the fuck is left to show that would come as some sort of surprise to people? A nipple? Gasp! Oh god! No! If the public saw Britney's nipple the whole perception of her being an overhyped skank would be tarnished!

1.) Ineffectuality- Do you know that the guy whom Dick Cheney shot in the face with birdshot from a fucking shotgun did as the result of the now infamous incident? He apologized to the vice president. That's what he did. There, that ought to show him. Sir, anybody who apologizes for getting shot should just surrender his testicles because clearly they're only there for decoration.