Saturday, September 10, 2005

When There's No Time For Tits

Okay, first off, read this...

Click here.

Basically, for those of you who can't read the article or are too lazy to read the article or just don't give a fuck about any fucking article and are only here because the word "tits" appears in the title of this post I'll summarize by saying that there were women who survived the hurricane, but not allowed onto some rescuers' boat because they refused to show their potential heroes their tits. Yes, you read that right. Women were asked to show the hillbilly rescuers their tits and when they refused to do so they were not rescued.

Now for those of you who don't know me that well let me start off by telling you that I've been single for quite a while now or I've had relationships that ended quickly, but what's most important to state is that I'm usually in a perpetual state of loneliness. Now, I'm not saying that because I want your sympathy. I'm not saying this because I want some generous woman to read this, come over to my house and plant her cooch on my face. I'm saying it because insofar as non-incarcerated people go, I'm damn near the loneliest man in existence, but so what? It's suited me just fine. I'll be fine just going on being lonely.

Okay, Michael, but why are you going on and on about being lonely after you start talking about hillbillies and titties?

Here's the point.

Thank fuck you finally have a point!

As lonely as I am I don't go about my daily existence asking women to give me a view of nipples for every little favor I do for them. As such I don't ask women to "put them on the glass" when I hold a door open for them and I certainly don't yell out "show me your tits!" when I pull a chair out for a woman to sit on when we go out to eat. Why don't I do that? Because it's fucking rude, that's why! Holy fuck!

There's a time and a place to yell out shit like that and a definite method and a code of conduct to be followed. It's very, very rare to be in one of those situations where it's okay to ask a woman for a flash of her bodacious ta-ta's and I would have to say that the aftermath of one of the most devastating hurricanes in American history, if not the most devastating hurricane in American history, ranks very high on the long list of inappropriate situations in which one can ask a woman for a glimpse of her tits. In fact, I would almost go so far as to suggest that the aftermath of such a powerful hurricane, amid all the debris and rubble, it's probably the exact opposite of an appropriate situation to say, "Show me some titties!" But then again, that might just be me, Mr. Concerned Canadian Guy who got a boy scout merit badge in fucking manners! I would help old ladies cross the road and I certainly didn't ask them to show me their tits when I did so.

Which brings up another interesting point: Why?!?!?! Now, I might not be completely up to snuff on the destructive power of a hurricane the magnitude of Katrina, but I would suspect that most, if not all, the survivors looked at the very least a wee bit dishveled? I mean, you see footage all over the news of these poor victims of the hurricane wading in filthy water without homes and who have probably been wearing the same clothes for a couple of weeks and do you know what comes to my mind when I see that?

Tits?

No!!!! Even if I saw a poor refugee's tits I doubt that it could be a turn on, so why the fuck even ask for a show? If refugee tits were so hot then why aren't there more sex tours to Sally Struthers countries? That's right, because there are settings in which tits are really supposed to be furthest from one mind.

Don't get me wrong, I'm sure most, if not all the women in question, are absolutely gorgeous and they must have bountiful racks, but after a hurricane I would go out on a limb and say that they probably don't look their best. Maybe their tits are even a little on the less-than-centerfold quality side, maybe a little malnourished from being stuck on a rooftop for days, maybe dehydrated from lack of drinking water. Something tells me, though, that in non-hurricane conditions these women would look infinitely more stunning. Again, so why the fuck even ask for a show? Why not let the women get some shelter, some rest, some food, some water, and then ask them to show their tits? At least then they'll have all the strength they need to punch you in the testicles for being such a chauvinistic prick.

To the asshats who would refuse women a place on your rescue boat because they wouldn't show you their tits: are you really that hard up for a sight of some titties that you would refuse traumatized women the help that they need? I'll send you some porno mags just get them the fuck on the boat! Holy shit, now is no time split hairs when it comes to tits. There will always be time for tits later. As lonely as I am even I know that. I have a whole retirement plan built around tits being flashed my way. It'll be great!

So I would like to take this opportunity to suggest that we start a Rescuers of Hurricane Katrina Porno Fund so that everybody in the affected regions can be given the proper attention without having to lift their shirts as some sort of primitive payment. I'm putting together a benefit concert as we speak and I hope to have some big name acts on board. Hustler ain't cheap, people, those women need to be saved!

5 comments:

Prairie Dog said...

Wow. Is it Mardi Gras allready? At least throw these people some beads or something.


By the way, thanks for the link. I will add a link back towards your site soon. I dig your style.

Anonymous said...

Fucking pigs eh?
If a guy asked me to show tits or die I would say ok but this better be the best damm rescue of my life or Im cutting your penis off and throwing it to the dogs.

Anonymous said...

As for the porno drive..I..ahem..may..have a few extra mags lying around. Ok thats a lie just send over the flat deck for pickup.

brodie said...

I unfortunatley don't have any porn to give to the fund...



I'd rather not part with it. :)

Michael said...

So far I have been rejected by just about every major music act for a benefit concert including Michael Bolton. I mean, come on, Michael Bolton doesn't have anything to do; he washed up and a has-been. This is going to harder than I thought.