Saturday, September 17, 2005

Time To Weigh In On The Teddy Bear Debate

For those of you who are not from the Edmonton area let me fill you in, first, on what the whole hullaballoo is about the teddy bears.

Michael, what's all this we hear about teddy bears in the Edmonton area?

Calm down. Calm down. Let me get to it.

So anyway, in the wake of Hurricane Katrina, or its more apt name The Event That Made CNN Forget About Natalee Holloway, local radio station 96 X decided that the best way for Edmonton to help the survivors of the natural disaster would be to start a teddy bear drive. Are you with me so far? Good. After pushing and pushing this thing for a while Edmonton came up with over 1 million teddy bears to donate to the hurricane ravaged city of New Orleans. The problem is, though, according to a column in the Edmonton Journal by one Paula Simons, is that teddy bears aren't really high on the list of priorities for survivors of Hurrican Katrina. In fact, teddy bears are probably the furthest thing from the survivors' minds. In fact, receiving teddy bears as some sort of consolation prize for losing their houses and their livelihoods might just be enough to send them into a murderous frenzy of cannibalism and wanton destruction of public property. In fact, this is the most I've ever used "In fact" to start a sentence. In fact.

So naturally there is a debate going on in the media. It's 96 X radio versus the Edmonton Journal of the newspaper community in an all-out battle to the death over which medium is more pious than the other. Or something like that.

Okay, maybe not.

But what bothers me is that nobody came to me to ask what I thought of the whole teddy bear debate. Nobody came knocking on my door and asked, "Michael, what are your thoughts about all this teddy bear bullshit going on right in your community? The public has a right to know!"

Seriously, you want to know?


Okay, here it is. I'm all for the teddy bears, actually. I don't even think that 1 million teddy bears gathered so far is even nearly enough for the affected area of New Orleans. I think we need hundreds of millions before we've proven that we are innovators.

Here's why.

Did you know that the average teddy bear can absorb roughly twice its body weight in water? That's a fact. So try to estimate how much 1 million teddy bears weigh. It's a pretty impressive mass to be sure. What I think we should be doing with the teddy bears is dropping them en masse right into the heart of the flood. Presto! We have instant absorbtion. Why, with enough teddy bears and B-52 Stratofortresses dropping them as super-absorbent payload over New Orleans we'd have that whole flooding problem licked in no time.

You see? That's why I'm an outsider of sorts. That's why I never get invited to all the cool parties. It's because I sit at home and think about shit like this. I'm an innovator, an inventor.

If you bombed millions and millions of teddy bears on New Orleans you could have everything soaked up and then with a team of bulldozers working around the clock you could have all the soggy plush pushed right into the gulf.

This is why I'm never put in charge of large public projects. If I had had my way, I would have had a teddy bear, pancake mix, and Bounty Quilted Quicker Picker Upper drive for the survivors of Hurricane Katrina because once we get all that water soaked up we can begin to rebuild a great, great city instead of engaging in wars of words in the media.

So the message I'm trying to make, then, is that survivors of this horrible disaster are, by and large, faced with a very daunting task of trying to rebuild their lives. How is nitpicking over what is and what is not suitable to donate in the media really going to help them? Last time I checked when you take time to really start debating something like this, it's basically time that could better be spent actually helping the people who need the help. At this point there are people who are grateful to take whatever they can get.

For anonymous:

For Jordan:

That'll be $200.00 each, you dirty, dirty people.


brodie said...

Forget the teddy bears, lets collect all the tampons we can and airlift them down there stat! That's be a pretty site.

Im going to talk about nothing til nothings Anonymous said...

Brodie how about we start with the ones in your butt. Your dominatrix said it was ok to take them out now. Michael that is the stupidest thing I have heard all day. Sorry I had a bad day.
Those Tim Tams are looking mighty lovely so wheres the whore part I was promised.I will give you 200 bank notes if you post a naked pic of yourself.

Its not easy being anonymous said...

OK I just ate some BBQ chickin and decided I was a little mean to the one called 'Brodie'. No offense my good man you most likley dont have some tampon preversion. If you do Im sorry cause thats weird.

jordan said...

How much just to watch the sandwich by itself?

Michael said...

Brodie, that was the smartest thing I heard all day. I was just thinking about it and thought Why did the government contact the Playtex people to construct a series of street-size tampons and then drop them down, soak the water up, and air lift them via helicoptor into the coast like they were being flushed? We have the technology, people! Come on! I mean, Playtex, you're always talking about how much water your tampons can soak up, now your chance to put your money where your tampon is, fuckers!

Anon, I'm sure I could say something even dumber if you give me a few minutes. 200 bucks for a nude picture??? I'm sure if you saw a nude picture of me you'd probably change your tune pretty fast and ask that I pay you 200 bucks for reconstructive eye surgery.

Jordan, that'll be 50 bucks then if you only want to watch the sandwich, you filthy, filthy man.

brodie said...

You're all pretty filthy.

PS. Anonymous hurt my feelings.

Anonymous said...

Brodie is a pussy

jordan said...

How much to watch two sandwiches together?

The great white anonymous said...

Hey you cant use anonymous. Thats my handle back off you unknown user. Brodie is problay not a pussy. Just has pussy like qualities.
Yeah michael your right I robaly dont want to see you naked how about a picture in a cowboy hat.

Michael said...

Jordan, for two sandwiches together I could probably go for about $125.00, just a bit more than just buying two separate sandwiches to watch because it costs a little extra to get them to "interact" with each other.

jordan said...

How much for the sandwich to pour hot wax on my chest? Then how much more is it for the sandwich to dress up as my first grade teacher and accompany me to the washroom and help me clean up because I crapped my pants? Then how much more is it for the sandwich to break all of my fingers and then watch as I masturbate with my gimpened, bloody hands?

brodie said...

All I'm going to say is "wow".

Michael said...

Jordan, I can probably swing a reduced rate of somewhere around 100 bucks for those different possibilities. I have this freaky Sauerkraut and Banana sandwich that does all the sickest shit you can think of. It works a bit on the more expensive side on account of the sick shit it's willing to do, but it has experience. It'll make you sauerkraut your pants.

jordan said...


How much would it cost for the sandwich to dress up like a french maid, cover itself in petroleum jelly, and give me an enema? What if instead of water, it uses cottage cheese for the enema?

How much would it be for the sandwich to help me steal a car, hit me with a bamboo cane, and then scream words of encouagement at me while the sandwich watches me receive oral sex from a homeless guy?

You cant have Anonymous without ymous said...

how much would it be to pay you to do that?

Michael said...

Damn Jordan, every time I log in to check the comments posted and I'm drinking something it always comes shooting out my nose whenever you post. Damn you.

I am. Anonymous said...

Lay off the rye big guy.