Thursday, September 15, 2005

One From The Vaults

Last night at work some coworkers and I began a discussion on the morality of prostitution and since I have very little time to hash out something brand new from my brain for you folks and since I'm also just a generally lazy bastard, here's a rant I wrote on the subject of prostitution.

Prostitution And You:

Why We Smell Ass Every Time We Inhale

It doesn’t take a slide rule to figure out that humans, in general, have their shit all fucked up when it comes to certain facets of their existence. It has been demonstrated, time and again, that sometimes our priorities are completely wrong, that we are capable of making wrong decisions, that we believe some of the idiotic things, and so on, and so on. Really, a person could dedicate a whole series of books to everything that humans got wrong since the beginning of time and I’m one hundred percent positive that even after reading that whole series of books there would still be fucktards who still make the same fucking mistakes because they are just that fucking dumb. One thing that has always baffled me has been the way most of the free world approaches the subject of prostitution.

Prostitution, in essence, is the sale of sex. That’s it. Selling sex is not only frowned upon in most of the free world, it’s illegal. How fucked up is that?

But Michael, it’s an immoral act to sell your body for another’s sexual gratification.


Newsflash morons: if you’re having sex you’re paying for it. What exactly is the difference between exchanging sex for money and, say, exchanging sex for dinner and a movie? What exactly is the difference between exchanging sex for money and, say, exchanging sex for a wedding ring? What I’m getting at here is that directly, or indirectly as the case may be, sex is costing you something. At least with giving over cold hard cash for a fuck you’ve basically admitting to yourself, and to the whole world, that you understand how the sexual world works. It’s very rare to find an individual whom you can just ask for sex in exchange for nothing at all.

You see, nobody wants to look at it that way, though. People want to fool themselves into thinking that they are not whores. To them, being a whore is something filthy. Well, to avoid being a whore, then, you have to just give orgasms away for nothing at all. And, my friends, when you just fuck somebody for free, no strings attached, no dinners at expensive restaurants, no engagement rings, no cab fare for a ride home, when it’s just sex and nothing else, that just means you’re a bunch of sluts. Dirty, filthy sluts. And ask yourself: would you really want to play hide the salami with somebody who just goes at it with no expectations of repayment? We’re talking some seedy, seedy sluts here. You’d probably catch gonorrhea from having one of those fuckers breathe on you. Yuck.

Now I know that there are probably a million internalized dialogues going on here trying to re-establish the who dichotomy between getting paid for sex with cash and getting paid for sex with a fucking wedding band and what may very well be divorce papers a few years down the road given the current social climate we find ourselves in. There might even be a few of you whose minds I just blew because it’s not often when you find out that sex comes with a price tag almost always and that we’re all part of the sex trade even when we say we aren’t. So, fucking, what? Who gives a shit? So we’re not as pious as we like to think we are. That’s not really news to me. You just have to change the way you look at the world.

But Michael, what my spouse and I have is a magical, wonderful thing that goes beyond sex. You can’t equate what happens in our marriage bed with what some filthy whore does for a handful of nickels and punch to the gut.

If sex is part of the marriage, it’s part of the deal. It’s still costing you money, directly or indirectly. Just accept it. I’m a whore. You’re a whore. We’re all fucking whores. Big deal.

So then, here’s a good first question. Why is prostitution frowned upon? Why are we not celebrating the whore as a profession? We’ll give fucking medals to a soldier for napalming hundreds of innocent people in some fucking war that doesn’t make any sense, but what do we do with the men and women who put their health at risk to sell complete strangers the satisfaction of an orgasm or two? We put them in jail. How fucked up is that? We can fucking give a ticker tape parade to hired thugs and murderers for the state, but goddamned if we’re going to buy a fucking cake and throw a surprise party for a hooker. And I’m not saying all this to belittle soldiers or our armed forces because they’re doing what they’re supposed to do, what they are hired to do. I will, however belittle the state that tells them to do some of the shit that they are doing because that’s just fucked up.

But now I’m getting off track. Back to the point.

You know what I would like to see? An international prostitution day. We have days set aside to celebrate just about every line of work under the sun, Secretarys Day, Proctologists Day, maybe even Circus Elephants Ass Wipers Day, but no Prostitutes Day. That’s a fucking travesty. These are people who, as I have already stated, put their health at risk to bring a bit of pleasure into the world.

Which brings me to my next point. Why are so many legal jurisdictions prosecuting the solicitation of sex? Prostitution is known as the world’s oldest profession. Many people know that when you say the words, “The World’s Oldest Profession,” they know you’re talking about whoring. Do you know what that means? It’s been around a long fucking time! So how the fuck are you ever really going to stop it? The civilized world has had thousands of years to brings whoredom to an end and has anybody ever successfully stopped it? No. Will they? No. So why the fuck bother fighting it? Am I the only person who sees a total lack of fucking logic here? I can’t even begin to wrap my head around the sheer ego of any lawmaker who thinks he has the power to wipe out prostitution. What gall! What ego!

Chew on this you egomaniacal fucks who think that one day we can live in a world where nobody sells sex disregarding, if you will, my earlier point about all of us selling sex one way or another. In most of the free world selling sandwiches or bookmarks or toothpicks is perfectly legal. Now if somebody, say, was selling sandwiches or bookmarks or toothpicks at astronomical prices that would be perfectly legal too, but perfectly insane from a business standpoint since sandwiches, bookmarks, and toothpicks are relatively low-priced consumer goods. However, say this certain somebody who was charging these completely ridiculous prices for cheap goods was kind enough to just have sex with whoever would be generous enough to shell out like $200.00 for a sandwich. The way I see it if I ran a business where I was selling sandwiches, bookmarks, or toothpicks for hundreds of dollars per and my livelihood depended on me moving this merchandise I would probably be grateful enough to my paying clientele to have sex with them. And it would all be perfectly legal since I would just be giving sex away for free! Last time I checked there was no law forbidding private entrepreneurs from social fraternizing with their customers. And if somebody is dumb enough or friendly enough to give an entrepreneur hundreds of dollars for a sandwich more power to them.

But Michael what of the children? Somebody has to think of the children!

You know what? Somebody does have to think of the children. That’s why I think the only sane, ethical way to approach prostitution is to legalize it and regulate it.

That’s right. If you legalize prostitution you can establish rules for its practice. You can establish a minimum age for licensed prostitutes.

But Michael, the pimps will always have child prostitutes as long as there is a demand for them.

Yes, but you know what you can do with a regulated system of prostitution? Whatever the fuck you want to kill the competition. It’s a free market system. So, if you wanted to drive the pimps who push the underage girls and boys into whoring undercut their prices so that the demand goes down. Make it unprofitable for them to continue operation. Can those private pimps who abuse children avow for the cleanliness of their merchandise? Most of them can’t. But you can. Give licensed whores health benefits; make STD testing mandatory and regular; make condom usage mandatory. Ask yourself, “If I were a customer looking for a whore to have sex with would I go with the government sanctioned brothel with workers who are STD free, licensed, and as cheap as fuck or would I go to the shady guy in the alleyway who can’t avow for anything regarding his prostitute and charges too much since he’s a private entrepreneur trying to stay under the legal radar?” You’re a fucking dummy if you’d go to the alleyway.

But no, our society maintains its head-up-its-own-ass stance on prostitution and continues to fight a battle that can’t be won since, in one way or another, we’re all guilty of prostitution. What a bunch of fucking hypocrites we make sometimes. It’s all quite comical.


jordan said...

I would like to buy one of those sandwiches you're selling.

The artist formally known Anonymous currently known as Anonymous said...

Well thats all well and good, lets look at some facts here.
Most hookers are on some sort of drug. They have nothing so they use their bodys to aquire more drugs. So if you told them to get set up and registered with the prostitute patrol well that just may interfere with the drug use. Since real life didnt interfere I dont think that will either.
If someone is having sex with kids well I dont think there is a alley nasty or dark enough for them to rethink the whole idea. Thats what they want to do well thats what they are going to do.
Your making it sound like each and every police force is out to get the hookers. Its more the needles and used condoms left lying around in oh I dont know parks and peoples backyard. So lets say you are on city council and one of your constituents has used condoms and drug paraphernalia in his yard from said hookers. Do you A tell buddy hey its the worlds oldest profession or
B tell you hard working tax paying registered voter that hey gosh darn that aint right.
The cops do register sex trade workers with DNA now. So if your son or daughter is out working the streets you can sleep easy at night knowing that when they wind up dead theres no waiting to find out.
Also I cant beilieve that you called me a slut and a whore. Ouch.

Michael said...

There's no doubt that there would still be prostitutes who work outside the system, but what I propose I think would severely cut the business to a point where it might not be profitable to operate for long. How it would cut the business for illegal sex solicitation would be as follows:

1. Regular STD tests for the registered ones and a mandatory condom use policy in effect.

2. Registered prostitutes would operate at drastically reduced rates so why pay more for somebody who is likely swimming with STD's, underage, and working for a drug habit when you could pay less for a clean hooker who is a contributor to the economy through income tax?

3. While it won't bring all the prostitutes we have working under the radar into the system one could set up privately or publicly run brothels in red light districts with security in place to prevent the prostitutes from getting beat up or murdered.

I know that overall safety and lower price points aren't sexy to some sex consumers, but I think they're sexy enough to severely damage the illegal sex trade to a point where it just doesn't pay to be a prostitute on some street corner. I don't know it's just a theory I have.

Also, we're all sluts and whores I think. And that's okay. It's a much bigger club than you think.

And Jordan, that'll be $200.00 per sandwich, you dirty, dirty boy.

Jordan said...

That had better be one nasty, dirty sandwich for $200.00.

If Im Anonymous then whos that guy? said...

so when the hooker sells her body for a rock of crack how do you add that to the T-4? The other problem I see is the price of a bareback fuck going through the roof.
Heres a very boring liberal point here how about all the time and money it would take to make it legal to sell sex you just take it and try to save a few girls. You know get them off the streets and into a life of some sort that doesnt involve sucking on old hairy wrinkled ball sacks.

Michael said...

You raise some interesting points. I guess this just goes to show that the issue of prostitution is a lot more complicated than we give it credit for. There are definitely advantages to having it legalized and they are counterbalanced almost to a tee with the advantages of having it remain illegal. Sometimes the shades of grey are so overwhelming.

Jordan, oh, it's one nasty, dirty sandwich. Heh heh. Well worth the 200.00 if you know what I mean. *wink*

Hey my middle name is anonymous said...

Well I shall pay no more then 150 for a box of tim tams. That better be some dirty shit you are shelling out.