Monday, August 15, 2005

A Simple Penile Concept

Sorry about the silence on my end for the past two days. I'm working a long stretch of nights at work and getting to my blog for an update is kind of hard to do when I near the end of these longer stretches because I'm generally exhausted, which means I sleep a little longer than usual. But that doesn't mean I don't have something I can post. Here is a rant I wrote a while back on the subject of penises. Some of you may have read it, but here it is again for those of you who haven't seen this one before.

Okay, here’s the deal. In order to be the owner and operator of a dick from now on you should have to get a fucking license for that shit! No, I haven’t forgotten to take my medication and, yes, I have given this plenty of thought. After all this medication taking and careful thought I have determined that it is about time that men are required by law to pass some sort of cock operating test and, upon passing that test, are granted licenses to own and operate their cocks.

But Michael, you own a penis. Why would you want to make it more difficult to continue owning your own penis? That just doesn’t make any sense.

That’s a good question, actually. I guess there’s a first time for everything. Please, let me explain.

The idea for the dick-licensing test came to me, oddly enough, while I was taking piss in a public washroom. There I was relieving myself into the urinal without a care in the world until I looked down and saw a fucking urine puddle on the fucking floor right at my fucking shoes! The first thought that came into my mind was that if I had caught the fucktard who had pissed all over the floor I would rub his nose in it like I would a dog who is being house-trained. How the fuck can a guy not hit a fucking urinal when he is taking a piss?

Now to clarify a little for all of my readers please let me explain to you a little about what a urinal looks like and how it operates. A few of you out there might be women and you probably don’t any real concept of what a urinal is. Basically, it’s an upright toilet placed against the wall about hip level. Some are full-length meaning that they stretch from about the level of your hip all the way down to the fucking floor. Others will maybe extend down to about the level of your knees. The important thing to keep in mind about urinals is that it’s a fucking vertical toilet. It’s basically a fucking extension of the wall. Us men are pissing against a fucking porcelain wall! When you think of porcelain walls you’re thinking of urinals. There you have it. That’s a fucking urinal.

So how the fuck can somebody not hit a fucking wall with a stream of piss? It beats the shit out of me.

Now, if we had some sort of licensing system in place we could look at instances of these asshats pissing all over the floor and do something about it. That something would have to some sort of fine or maybe even fucking castrations for repeat offenders. These are men who clearly have no fucking clue how to operate a dick and they clearly have no fucking business owning a dick. Welcome to the world of catheters, bitches!

Is that a bit cruel? I don’t think so. Us normal men have spent years perfecting the craft of proper penile usage and our good names are being besmirched by these fucking spastic morons with no real appreciation for a piss well delivered.

I think it’s infinitely more cruel to expect a normal man like me stand in a puddle of piss with semi-respectable shoes. Do you know how fucking embarrassing it is to walk around in public with your expensive shoes smelling like piss from having to stand at a urinal in a men’s room?

But Michael, there could be a good reason why some of these guys couldn’t hit the urinal. Cut them some slack.

Then they should clean up after themselves. They should take a bit of responsibility for their actions. Or they should be fucking castrated.

And chew on this, you fuckwits who piss and miss. When I see your fucking puddles at the foot of the urinal my first impression of you, as a man, is that you are a fucking moron. But think about it, if you had simply just whipped you dick out and pissed, say, all over the bathroom mirror, right in the middle of the floor, or even outside the men’s room like in a fucking ashtray or potted plant my impression of you, as a man, would simply be that you’re a fucking asshole, which is exactly 7 ranks higher in the grand scheme of the universe according to old Mikey here. So ask yourself, ‘Would I rather be a fucking asshole or a fucking moron in Mikey’s eyes?’ Do that before you take a piss. If you know you can’t aim worth shit, at least make that inevitable misfire look spectacular.

You see, there’s the beauty of the whole license system. Not only would it eliminate all these idiots and dolts who can’t tell the difference between a toilet and the fucking floor, but it could also eliminate all these idiots and dolts who knock women up, bolt and then don’t fucking help out the single mothers. Those fuckers are even more useless than the fuckers who piss all over the floor. For all I know those fuckers are the same fuckers who piss all over the floor. It would probably explain a lot about their cock technique in general.

The male penis is a peculiar anatomical feature in the sense that there is a definite art to its usage. Not just any old retard with a couple of testicles full of cum or a bladder to tap can whip his dick out and use it without thoroughly fucking things up. Yet, there doesn’t seem to be any shortage of retards who are whipping their dicks out and fucking things up.

What it all boils down to, then, is responsibility. Real men are responsible; they acknowledge the fact that there are consequences for their actions. If they aim their dicks at the floor when they take a piss and there will be piss all over the floor. If they ride bareback with that drunken desperate girl from the bar last night there will be a bun in the oven. Real men know this and they own up to it. They either fucking clean up the floor or they weigh the options with the mother-to-be. The knuckle-draggers and mouth-breathers who run away from their responsibilities don’t deserve their own dicks. It’s that simple.

And yet the women seem to always fall for those same knuckle-draggers and mouth-breathers while decent men like me fall by the wayside. Something’s not fucking right here!


Anonymous said...

Being a decent guy isn't all it's cracked up to be. Being a bit of an asshole can go a long ways to increasing one's attractiveness. But, that assholishness has be organic. It has to be built into you. At the end of the day, I believe that what is attractive is ease with and acceptance of one's self. If you're a bit of a prick by nature and you don't try to hide it, that's generally more attractive than a nicely polished exterior simply because it's more honest. And if you happen to be a genuinely decent man by nature, that's cool too. But women are suckers for a badass. That's all I'm saying.

Michael said...

And yet they only seem to complain that they want to meet a decent man. Ugh...sometimes I can't understand women worth a lick.

Anonymous said...

You want a crash course?
Buy a bike. Not just any bike. A Harley if you like the cougars a crotch rocket if you like the young ladies.
Get a tattoo. Not on your dink but somewhere anywhere.
Dont say dink.
Eat your steak blue rare. Pretend you like it.
Kill a man or grow drugs.
I dont know what else to say. Except move to the largest city you can find. Get the smallest appartment you can find. Keep your underwear in a bowl in the fridge. Try to figure out if you wan tto have sex with your friends mom or dad you figure it out...I did.
Then get your own TV show.

Michael said...

That's a damn good plan come to think of it. Thanks for the advice.

Anonymous said...

Im just here to help. Now watch as I wander drunkely off into the sunset.