Friday, August 19, 2005

Celebrity Genitalia

After this deluge of celebrity sex videos you would think that certain celebrities, as the result of starring in a sex video, would have rather notorious genitals. For example, you'd think that Paris Hilton's or Pam Anderson's respective hoo-hah's would be the talk of tinseltown. Maybe they are to a certain degree. However, one thing that I have noticed is that there is more and more talk about one celebrity's vagina more than any other celebrity's vagina. That celebrity? Martha Stewart.

Now maybe it could just be a Daily Show with Jon Stewart thing because, mind you, the only people I've seen really delve (pun intended) into the subject of Martha Stewart's cooch are Jon Stewart and Lewis Black. Jon Stewart devoted a whole chapter of his book Naked Pictures Of Famous People to talking about decorating the ex-con's po-po while Lewis Black likened it to an overpriced umbrella stand in a performance he called Lewis Black - Black On Broadway.

So what does all this mean? I'm not really sure. Maybe people affiliated with the Daily Show with Jon Stewart are fixated by conservative camel toes. Maybe Martha's mound is a comedic safety net; if you start to lose your audience you can just say the words "Martha Stewart's cavernous vagina" and no matter how bad you were bombing before your audience will be roaring.

Hmm... Let me try that.

Martha Stewart's cavernous vagina.

Okay, a few of you were probably chuckling a little, but I guarantee that anybody googling "Martha Stewart's cavernous vagina" are probably just walking in, saying, "What the fuck? Where are the jpegs, asshole?" and then storming out of here in huff.

And if it's not those first two possibilities it might just be something that is infinitely more disconcerting to me as a scientifically-minded individual and a lover of humanity. That possibility being that Martha Stewart does not, in fact, have a vagina because she does not spawn because she is in fact Satan. Now, now. Settle down people.

Michael, you're way off base here. Of course Martha Stewart has genitals, she's just a humble woman trying to fill the world with potpourri scented goodness.

Before you jump on your We-Hate-Michael bandwagon and run me down like a limping dog you should hear me out. When you think of banality, I mean so banal that your jaw could fall right to the floor in fits of yawning, who do you think of? That's right, Martha Stewart. When you think of the dark power of somehow going to prison and coming out much richer than you were before you started your sentence, who do you think of? That's right, Martha Stewart. When you think of the infinite source of potpourri in the universe who do you think of? That's right, Martha Stewart. As you might be just figuring out here, there's a pattern. Martha Stewart has some eery, eery powers at her disposal.

When you think of the power of becoming a convict and then an ex-convict with her own reality television game show promising to allow some hapless innocent the privilege of being an apprentice to an ex-convict, who do you think of? That's right, Martha Stewart.

Sorry, it's hard to break free of the pattern once you get on a roll.

Martha Stewart's cavernous vagina.

Wow. I guess it does work.

So, there you have it. I guess some celebrity genitals, by virtue of being practically mythical, are truly compelling.

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