Everybody Wants To Be A Pornstar

The other day when I was ranting about Martha Stewart's cavernous vagina I mentioned the rather contemporary trend of celebrities to have sex tapes "leaked." I say "leaked" because whenever stuff like that is "leaked" I get highly suspicious of how much of it was a "leak" and how much was in fact "futile attempt at securing another 15 minutes of fame." That's another story. What I want to get at tonight is something disturbing that I found on SomethingAwful the other night regarding a "leaked" sex tape starring Tom Sizemore.

That's right, gentle readers, Tom Sizemore has a sex tape.

If you read the little scene by scene review of the, what promises to be, infamous sex tape you will likely stumble over the same part that I did. That part is, of course, how Tom Sizemore has a tattoo above his penis that reads "Heidi" for the Hollywood Madam Heidi Fleiss, whom Tom Sizemore was involved with and later charged with beating up.

Now the whole notion of getting a lover's name tattooed on your body is, by no means, new. Tom Sizemore isn't the first man to take a chance on a relationship lasting forever by tattooing a lover's name on his body.

But here's the thing, if you're capable of beating your lover physically, why the fuck would you get her name tattooed on you? That doesn't make any sense. Because you love her? I mean, if you beat the woman, didn't it occur to you that maybe one day she'd stand up to you and leave your woman-beating ass? Then what would you do with a tattoo of her name? You should really ask yourself before getting a tattoo like that if you would ever beat her up. If you do you should not only not get the tattoo just yet, but you would probably be better off spending money on some therapy to address rage issues because that shit ain't right.

Also, you should ask yourself if you ever intend on starring in a sex tape. If so, you might want to find a different place for a tattoo of your woman's name than right above your dick. That's just weird, especially if you're going to be having sex with women who aren't the woman named in your tattoo.

That's a bold statement about the power of Hollywood monogamy, folks, isn't it? There you are on camera fucking two hookers and right above your cock is your girlfriend's name and she isn't even anywhere to be found. Not that I think you absolutely have to be monogamous. I'm a monogamous guy, but that's not for everybody. Apparently it isn't for Tom Sizemore either. Which brings up another little interesting point, if you don't really believe in monogamy (and if you're dating an infamous Hollywood Madam I can't figure out why you would even try for it) why get a tattoo of some notch in your belt's name?

Finally, if you're a big Hollywood celebrity who can afford hookers and cameras to make your very own sex tape to "leak," why the fuck can't you afford laser tattoo removal? I mean come on! You make millions! Are you hoping that somehow things are going to work out with her in the end, after you finished filming yourself fucking two other women? That's an interesting approach to winning her back after getting charged for beating her, but more power to you if you can pull it off. If you don't want to flip for the tattoo removal, why not at least splurge and get the tattoo altered to look like something other than your ex-lover's name? The nice thing about a name like Heidi is that it's also the title of a classic children's book, and a big screen adaptation. Why not alter the tattoo to look like the movie poster for "Heidi." Wouldn't that look much more appealing on tattooed on your junk than your ex's name? Okay, maybe not, but at least I'm fucking trying here!

In summation, if you're dating the infamous Hollywood Madam and you're capable of physical violence with her, try other avenues of showing your commitment first before you go and get the cock tattoo because there's a bit of a chance that things might not work out in the end. I mean, I really don't want to tell you how to do things, but it could save you a few bucks in the end. You probably could have got another hooker with all that money you saved. It might have been the coup de grace that your "leaked" sex tape needed. Not that I'm a connoisseur of sex tapes.

Snicker.