Thursday, May 10, 2007

Go To Hell, Petitions!

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If, like me, you are shock, outraged, completely discombobulated...

Am I the only person in the world who giggles like a schoolgirl when given the chance to use the word "discombobulated?" It's one of those words in the English language that has its dictionary meaning, or as we in the biz call it, denotative meaning, but it has this sort of allegorical meaning, a hidden meaning, and that is, "Look at me use a fucking six syllable word! Please, please, please look at me!"

Sorry for that aside. We now return you to our regularly scheduled program.

But, if, like me, you are just so moved by the latest saga involving Paris Hilton that you cry a little when you masturbate, well then I don't know what to tell you.

Okay, I probably just lost the half dozen or so of you out there who are actually trying to read this. You're scratching your heads and probably saying, "What the fuck is Michael trying to say? First he uses the word 'discombobulated' and then launches into Paris Hilton drama making him cry when he masturbates. This doesn't make any sense." Sorry about that folks. My ritalin prescription is in the mail, I swear. Let me bring you up to snuff a bit.

Paris Hilton was caught driving 45 miles an hour over a posted speed limit, without headlights, and a suspended driver's license stemming for a prior alcohol-induced reckless driving spree last September. The sentence that was handed down to her in court was 45 long, hard days in jail.

Alright, I know that after hearing how long her sentence is there are probably quite a few of you out there who need to have a seat if you were standing while reading that capsule recap of the story so far. Maybe you'll want to consider taking up smoking. I don't blame you. I'm thinking about taking up smoking right now myself. That's hard time. 45 days in jail will FUCK YOUR SHIT UP. I had to capitalize that last part because it needed emphasis. That's the miracle of the Caps Lock key in case you are new to keyboarding. Have you caught your breath yet? Good.

But the story isn't quite over, though. It seems that petitions directed at California governator Arnold Schwarzenegger for and against clemency in this one particular case. Hundreds of people have made the arduous journey to various internet pages where they can add their names to the growing petitions in hopes of either getting Ms. Hilton off the legal hook or, maybe even, getting the hook sunk in just a litte bit deeper.

And you know what?

Big fucking deal, that's what.

The pro-clemency camp seems utterly devastated by the prospect that Paris Hilton, the barely literate silver-spoon-sphinctered hotel heiress, might be sent to a Federal fuck-you-up-the-ass-with-a-shiv penitentiary for 45 days. Oh my god! This is terrible! This is the biggest miscarriage of justice ever! Didn't that Son Of Sam guy only get 12 days for his killing spree? Why is the penal system picking on Paris? Actually, idiots, Son Of Sam, was only sentenced to 10 days for his killing spree and he got out after serving eight of those days, you know, for good behavior. But seriously now, you're losing sleep over 45 days? I've taking painful shits that have lasted longer than 45 days. Paris just got sentenced to a mild bowel movement's worth of time. Boo fucking hoo.

That's not the point, mister. What if something happens to her while she's on the inside? She's not cut out for prison. She's a Hilton.

Then good for her. She needs to toughen up a little. One thing that has always bugged me about Paris Hilton is that, as far as role models go, she portrays this image of, "It's okay to be soft and fragile all the time." That's a stupid message. People like that get faced with a little adversity like a 45 day jail term and crumble like a fucking flaky piece of pussy pie.

Besides nothing's going to happen to her because she is, as those of us who are cognizant of the class system in the developed world would call her, filthy fucking rich and from a family of considerable influence. She will serve soft time for being soft yet affluent. Yawn! The real sentence for her will be missing out on the 12 or so pedicures she would get in a 45 day span had she been free the whole time.

Which leads me to the people on the opposite side of the petition coin, those people who are petitioning the governor to see to it that her sentence is served. To those people I only have to say the same damn thing that I told the people who cried bloody murder over the sentence. It's 45 fucking days! A month and a half. That's about a dozen updates on my website. It's over before you even knew it began. What difference does it make?

We want to make sure that the message that the public gets is that nobody is above the law.

Oh, don't worry, I'm sure that each day of that month and a half will totally show that the penal system is fucking rock hard when it comes to celebrity justice. Even if she serves the time, which she probably will, the message is still that she's above the law because, just between you and me, when she gets out of jail she can go back into the recording studio and record "music" and that won't at all be considered a violation of her parole.

45 days was a sentence that was more for the benefit of society at large. That's 45 days when we won't have to fear she's planning furthering her music career.

Either way you look at it, you're still splitting hairs over a stupid 45 day sentence.

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