Tuesday, September 26, 2006

Fucking Restauranteurs!

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Fucking hell! Do I hate news like this or what? Jessica Simpson is set to open a new chain of barbecue restaurants built around a theme of her portrayal of Daisy Duke in the big screen version of the television classic The Dukes Of Hazzard.

But Michael, why do you hate this news. Jessica Simpson is one of the greatest entertainers on the face of the planet right now and it's only right that she should share some of her restaurant expertise with us little people.

Yeah, she's got restaurant expertise alright. I hate it when just anybody with a big wad of money just wakes up one day and decides, Oh shit, I should just open a fucking restaurant because I know what makes for a fine dining experience.

Jessica Simpson's plan: scantily-clad servers wearing hot pants.

The one word I can think of to describe this bold, new, exciting direction for eateries: original.

Nobody's ever thought of having scantily-clad servers before. Jessica Simpson is like some kind of fucking MENSA president compared to the rest of us for coming up with an idea like that. Wow, why the fuck has there never ever in the history of restaurants been a restaurant with scantily-clad waitresses?

You see, it's not that I hate scantily-clad women bearing food, but when that is your whole idea for a restaurant then you're just a pandering whore. What about the fucking food? What about the fucking ambiance? All you can come up with is a Hooters rip-off? Fuck you. There's all ready a Hooters.

If you're just going to do that at least have the tact and the balls to just have a Hooters menu and just slap a bit of black utility tape over the restaurant name. Then you look like you're just trying to be ironic. As it is you just look like you're a money-grubbing, intellectual-property thief. I mean I'm sure that neither Jessica nor her father Joe are opening this restaurant as some elaborate cash-grab, but rather because they both have a passion for providing the perfect dining experience.

A source told America's Life and Style Weekly magazine: "Joe's going to make a lot of money from this."

Well fuck me. This is just prostitution after all.

Newsflash Joe: you could make even more money if you charge patrons for blowjobs administered by scantily clad servers.

And I'm sure that if that were legal you would soon be able to call that guy pimp.

Anybody remember when Jessica Simpson first came onto the scene and the whole shtick behind her was that she was pure, vestal virgin promoting good moral values and a strong Christian upbringing? Yeah, neither do I.

Fucking hypocrites.

1 comment:

brodie said...

Mmm... I could go for some BBQ and tits. Can't wait for one to open in Edmonton. Thanks for the heads up Mikey!