Thursday, July 06, 2006

Maybe Arranged Marriages Aren't The Way To Go

For those of you out there who are single, for those of you out there who kind of just bounce from lover to lover like an endless game of hot-sweaty human pinball with all that bumping and dinging of bells and climbing scores, what with that coy pillow talk and long licks with hot, wet...ahem....ummmm, where was I again? Oh yeah, for all of you out there who aren't married, but spend considerable time wondering why you aren't married, why it can't be as easy as just having your parents arrange for you a spouse with a hefty dowry and all your problems solved:

Read this.

A Springfield, Massachusetts man is suing family friends (well, I suppose they probably won't be family friends after receiving the lawsuit) who had arranged a marriage between the man's son and their niece. Why is he suing his friends, you ask? Well, to put it bluntly, their niece is an eyesore while his son is handsome. You just can't have a handsome man marrying something that looked like it just walked out of a Hindu sideshow. When the marriage was being arranged the uncle and aunt of the blushing bride-to-be didn't string together the sentence, "Oh, by the way, our niece is a homely, homely girl and by saying this now it is our disclaimer that your handsome son stands a 50% chance of fathering some of the ugliest babies that ever popped out of a human vagina." They didn't say that. Not once. So, naturally, by failing to say those aforementioned words, the couple is clearly guilty of fraud and worthy of a lawsuit.

Now, I will admit that I'm not an expert on the ins and outs of arranged marriages. My parents repeated tried to marry me off for $200.00 and three fourth round draft picks and a conditional fifth round draft pick, but thankfully the other team declined the offer. But in all seriousness, the girl had "protruded bad teeth, and couldn't speak English to hold a conversation," and to top it off her complexion was also brought into question. Woof. Throw the dog a bone. Fuck.

But here it is, why not let her meet your son, buddy? They might hit it off. They might not. Maybe your son likes the uglies. Some dudes are down with that sort of stuff. I mean I see guys with ugly, ugly girls all the time. Conversely I see beautiful women with ugly, ugly men. It leads me to believe that we all march to the beat of our own drummers no matter how fucking homely they are. Sometimes we just see past the barbecue stains, the gangrenous left hand, the cleft lip, the thinning hair, the ingrown fingernails, the superfluous third, fourth, fifth, and sixth nipples, and whatever else they have for maladies and we still get hard-ons and wet cooches.

And, hey, if the son is really that repulsed by the sight of the ugly fiancee all he has to do is reply "I don't," when the priest or minister, or whatever official oversees the ceremony asks him if he takes her for the rest of his life. I know that for an ugly enough woman I would definitely be willing to say, "I don't."

I mean, what the fuck were you expecting your friends to say about their niece, really?

"Oh no, you don't want to wed your son to our niece because she is like looking at a horse's ass right after explosive curry diarrhea. She's a fixer-upper and he'd best start by installing a paper bag over her homely head."

Seriously? That's what you wanted them to say?

Maybe you should have asked for a picture up front. Maybe then they'd still be friends.

You don't keep friends by filing lawsuits against them.

1 comment:

Emerson_Emergency said...

"Ugly" is a very subjective thing.

*captain obvious nods, and flies away*

I don't really consider anyone ugly at all in a physical sense. Bodies are too incredible. But the things you make your body do involuntarily by say, an ugly nature...I notice that.