Monday, April 24, 2006

The Bottom Ten, April 2006

8 days until 10,000 Days.

10.) Kissing Time Limits- In Tangarang, which is this city in Indonesia, city officials have imposed a time limit on kissing. Why the fuck would anybody want to do that, you might be asking? Well, it's all part of an effort to curb prostitution in that particular city. Now, if you look past the obvious problem of police officers timing people as they kiss when they could be preventing incidents of rape and murder what you might see in this measure is innovation. So now when you are in Tangerang and you hire the services of a prostitute you can rest assured that she will only kiss you for the allotted time limit, then you can get down to the blowjobs, donkey punches, and bukkake. It streamlines the whole prostitution process, making transactions quicker and more efficient. This could revolutionize the whole industry. Prostitutes everwhere could learn a thing or two from the industrious city officials of Tangerang.

9.) The Mullet- I feel like I've talked about the mullet in The Bottom Ten before. It's like deja vu, but I really have to talk about how perplexing it all is. I think that the mullet is now nature's most confounding hairstyle. On one hand it's the do of choice for rednecks, hillbillies, hockey players, and the illiterati. On the other hand, it's quite possibly the most ironic look that can be worn by somebody who knows better. Now when I see somebody sporting the neck blanket I have to ask myself if I'm looking at an ignoramus or a clever hipster. I hate having to bring a slide rule with me when I'm walking around in public.

8.) Ticket Presales- I get more and more presale offers for tickets to concerts and major events than most people. It stems from the fact that I sign up for all of these different services that offer presale opportunities. That being said, I've found that as more and more presale offers come to me the shittier the seats to these events available in the presales are getting. It leads to a huge dilemma for me. Do I go in on the presale and take advantage of getting to sit in a seat that is less-than-ideal, for lack of a better word to describe it or do I wait until tickets go on sale to the general public for a chance, a slim, slim, sliver-thick chance at getting a seat that won't make me pass out from being at such high altitudes without an oxygen mask? Or maybe I just pay four or five times the face-value of the ticket to a broker to get exactly the tickets I want. What the fuck is a sucker to do?

7.) Carpet Lawsuit Bombing- The RIAA is definitely an organization I've alluded to before, though maybe not in a Bottom Ten list. So welcome to the Bottom Ten, assholes! It's no secret that the Gestapo of the RIAA will sue anything that moves, but, come on, a family that doesn't even own a PC? How the fuck are they pirating music, retards? Do you guys even do any research into the people you sue? Just draw names out a hat? I think it's time to just hold a press conference to apologize to the world for being a bunch of assholes and ruining the music industry.

6.) Star Power- If you read this little blurb about the upcoming release of Clerks II you might notice the little bit about Harvey Weinstein insisting to Kevin Smith that at least one "boldface name" appear in the movie, leading to the casting of Rosario Dawson. What irks me about this is that Clerks II is a sequel to a huge cult classic. It can cruise just fine without any boldface names. It's predecessor is proven. Why the fuck tinker with a winning formula just to incorporate celebrities?

5.) People Cashing In On Controversy- Somewhere a man names the restaurant that he is about to open The Pink Taco. What happens? City officials get angry because it will offend people. Sure, people who get offended at the combination of the words "pink" and "taco" placed side by side in a restaurant name are probably the kind of people you would want to move out of your city, but you just know that the man behind the name is using the name to make a few bucks. I don't see why anybody would have a problem with naming my pizza shop The Festering Ass Boil. It's from the old country; it means "great pizza." Meanwhile, there are probably really good, if not better, Mexican restaurants that will fall by the wayside when The Pink Taco opens simply because they aren't named after vagina. I can understand why somebody would go out and intentionally cause controversy like this, but it still seems kind of underhanded. Damn these ethics!

4.) More Pink Taco- David Roderique, the economic-vitality director for Scottsdale, also giggled when asked about the restaurant. Then he regained his composure.

"While there may be some people who have concerns about the name of the restaurant, we've got a younger crowd who appreciates more diversity and finding ways to slap the establishment," he said.

Yeah, there's no better way to "slap the establishment" than by eating at a restaurant with a name that the economic-vitality director of Scottsdale seemingly finds amusing. Take that establisment! Yep, I can see the militant anarchists lining right up to eat at the Pink Taco already. The Pink Taco: Come For The Controversy Of A Sexual Name, Stay For The Nihilism!

3.) Summer Home-Reno Projects- Say what you will about the nipple-crushing cold of winter at least it didn't inspire your neighbors to start revving up the table saw at 7:30 a.m. Sunday morning as part of garage renovation project.

2.) Putting The Snow Shovel Back In The Garage- Holy fuck! Why the fuck did the garage have to built all the way back there? That's a long fucking way to carry a fucking snow shovel! Fuck it, it's Canada, we'll probably have another blizzard in a week, trust me.

1.) Logic- Logic is such a bitch! Seriously, in an effort to curb piracy of movies in China, Warner Bros. is releasing some of their movies at severely reduced prices minus all the fancy packaging to compete with pirates. You can buy The Aviator for a dollar fucking fifty! Here, though, you have to pay upwards of twenty bucks for the same movie, but at least we get that eighteen dollars worth of packaging, which, as we all know, makes it all worth it. And then Warner Bros. wonders why there is so much piracy going on. It's because people are pissed off that they have to pay $25.00 for a DVD when you're willing to sell that same DVD in China for $1.50. Fuckheads!

4 comments:

Anonymous said...

heres my bottom 777 on michaels blog-
1 those that dont comment. A blog is just hanging there, waiting for people to say something so do.
2 how you bitch about the same goddam things. I get it the FBI wants to shave your nuts and th riaa wants youdead. Or something.
3 weather references no really? was the climate not to your liking well then lets have a 5 page essay on it.(ok not really michaels blog but annoying none the less)
4 I can barely keep my eyes open so fuck a number 4 lets go over 1. Comment already a discussion is helpful to let the writer know what those think, but its mickey and maybe he doesnt notice.

Anonymous said...

I wrote that and find it stupid. delete at will oh merciful writer.

mike said...

Mikey,

You'll probably post something on this, but just wanted to say CONGRATS on taking home the $300.00 last night. Well done.

Emerson_Emergency said...

Yeah...best start finding out where to get those 150 not-so-good lapdances, or seven "really good" ones ; ).

I for one, would dine in a place called the Pink Taco. The entrance could be flanked by two enormous fiberglass lady-legs, like a movie I saw once.

Also...I hadn't read "italiana" before. It's a very nice read.

Keep on rockin' out with your anticipatory slobberage for Tool :)