Saturday, December 10, 2005

"Why are the box office revenues getting smaller?" asks one asshat. Part II: The Revenge

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Movie Exec 1: Holy fuck we gotta do something about our box office revenues! Fewer and fewer people are coming out to see our movies.

Movie Exec 2: You don't think it could be our continued policy of translating shitty television shows for the big screen, do you?

Movie Exec 1: No, don't be a fucking retard! People love to see television shows make the jump to movie screens. I mean the line-up for tickets to the premiere of "CHiPs: The Movie" has been there for three weeks prior to it even opening. I read stories of people literally camping out for days in front of multiplexes just waiting for the "CHiPs: The Movie" posters to be plastered to the wall. Those were just the fucking posters, man! Movie translations are a gold mine because the audience is fucking stupid.

Movie Exec 2: Amen to that. What do you think we should do then?

Movie Exec 1: I do have a hot theory as to what will shoot the revenue right through the fucking roof.

Movie Exec 2: You're killing me with suspense. What is it?

Movie Exec 1: We need to find a way to show even more commercials before the movie starts. People love watching commercials. They're fucking stupid.

Movie Exec 2: You're a fucking genius!

There, do you see how the logic of the world works now? The movie executives really have their audiences pegged, don't they? I know from my own personal experience I only go to movie theatres to see the 10 minutes or so worth of commercials before the movie actually begins. It's not like there's anywhere else for an honest man like me to get his fill of vapid advertising. Hell, it's almost at a point now where I don't even stay for the movie because my appetite for entertainment has been sated by the latest Sprite, Nissan, and Canadian Armed Forces commercials. It's really great to see that they are going to add even more commercials to the screening schedule.


brodie said...

Umm... I love commercials Michael! I feels more smarter with every commercials I wacthed.

studio executive number one. said...

Now come on michael your being a little harsh. Thats not how it went. It was during a brainstorming session, I remember it fondly. You see us executives generally just sit around drooling until lunchtime then we get into the heavy stuff. It was then I had an epiphany. Why do people watch TV? its the commercials of course!
What do people love more then commercials? Paying to watch them of course! Those people in the theatre sitting staring they cant even change the channel (nor do they want to) they just want more commercials. More products they want to buy but are unsure of the coolness factor more services they may want rendered but need to told how helpful and great it is. I was so sure everyone was to be happy. Oh well I guess its back to the creating buzzwords department for me. I hear douchebaggery is a hot one this year.