Wednesday, October 12, 2005

Sex Tapes And The Sex Stars Behind Them

Okay, seriously, I almost wish that I was making this shit up.

That's right, folks! Britney Spears and Kevin Federline might soon be coming to a porn store near you, starring in their very own sex tape!

Michael, why do you always go on and on about who's starring in which sex tape? I mean, I've been visiting your blog since day one and I've pretty much read every post you've ever written and I even bought an autographed jizz-stained t-shirt on eBay that came with a certificate of authenticity guaranteeing that the aforementioned jizz was 100% Michael Appleby jizz, and it seems like every third post revolves around some washed-up celebrity sucking cock on camera like it was a matter of life and death. Doesn't anything else happen in your little world?

No, but thank you for asking. The reason why I go on and on about sex tapes is that I find them a fascinating facet of celebrity. My theory is that celebrities record themselves hiding tubesteaks and eating hairy tacos not so much because it's the kinky thing to do, but rather because it's the most widely accepted manner of securing one's self an additional 15 minutes of fame. Does this mean that Michael Appleby will one day grace the celluloid when it looks like the world has finally given up on him? Who knows? For now I'll just bide my time perfecting my cum face a la that timeless poem by Mike Gravel.

But here's what's bothering me about the whole Britney and Cletus sex tape fiasco. If you read the article you will see that this is, once again, another case where somebody in the couple's entourage is threatening to "leak" the tape to the public. Every fucking time, it seems, some assistant or professional ass-kisser or ball washer or spineless douchebag who walks in the shadows behind the celebrities gest access to the sex tape and makes a copy to leak. Well, maybe not in the case of Tom Sizemore, who appears to have distributed his video his own damn self since nobody would want to make a copy of that, not even the hookers who are paid to latch onto his cock. What gets me is that the sex tape is just laying around waiting to be copied or the sex tape is entrusted to somebody in an entourage like it's no big fucking deal.

Now, I admit, I haven't really been fortunate enough to take a camcorder into the bedroom with me so I can't say that I'm speaking from experience on this one, but why the fuck would you just leave a sex tape laying around where people who are relatively much poorer than you have access to it? I mean I may not have starred in many sex tapes yet, but I sure as fuck know that I just don't go around to just anybody and say, "Hey check it out, it's me giving some lucky whore a pearl necklace." That's just fucking stupid. It shouldn't even be a threat to be "leaked" when it's coming from somebody whose claim to fame is being in an entourage. It should just be considered "leaked" as soon as you just leave it sitting on the coffee room table next to "Maid In Manhattan", "Uptown Girls", and "A Walk To Remember."

Don't mind me, Mr. and Mrs. Cletus. I'm just dusting around the double-wide for you. What's this video? Spearing Britney? Let's just pop this into the old VCR and see what this is all about? Oh my fucking god! My eyes! Mr. Cletus is giving Mrs. Cletus an Angry Dragon! I'm so sorry, Mr. and Mrs. Cletus, I didn't realize that it was a video of you two being intimate with each other. I'm so, so sorry.

But you know that in the back of his mind the assistant is thinking Ka-Ching!

Are we actually suppose to believe that this is how things went down? Seriously? Come on! Everybody knows that the promise of a sex tape getting "leaked" from a currently has-been pop princess is just the kind of headline grabber that puts people back in the spotlight.

Michael, you're just being too cynical. Britney and Kevin (it's Kevin, after all, not Cletus) are fine, upstanding people who really have no real need to so shamelessly chase fortune and fame. They'll be famous forever in our minds!

Keep telling yourself that.

I wouldn't have any problems with Britney and Kevin releasing a sex tape. I mean after seeing footage of Tom Sizemore brandishing a Heidi tattoo anything is a step up. You could have video footage of William Shatner smearing whipped cream on his nipples begging his viewers to call him a naughty boy and I would still say, "Well, I still want to wash my eyes out with bleach, but at least it wasn't Tom Sizemore's tattoo."

But please, enough with the bullshit, "Oh my god, my personal assistant is going to sell our sex tape!" It was original the first 3 dozen celebrities who used it, but now it's wearing thin. If you can't bear to tell the truth that you're just struggling to be talked about again at least make up something more fantastical to keep people like me entertained. Make up some shit about expert computer hackers using CGI video effects to make a fake sex tape for profit and not to believe any frame of their bogus "video."

I'm almost kicking myself for giving up that truly original premise for releasing a sex tape when I could have used that one for my own sex tape.

Seriously, folks, I was held at gunpoint by a team of angry trekkies and forced to perform cunnilingus on a crack whore on camera because of comments regarding William Shatner, nipples, whipped cream, and the term "naughty boy."


Anonymous said...

Where can I get an autographed jizz-stained t-shirt comes with a certificate of authenticity guaranteeing that the aforementioned jizz was 100% Michael Appleby jizz?

Michael said...

Well, unfortunately, that t-shirt was just a one-off test product and went for the handsome price of $1.27 on eBay. Since we did so well on that first t-shirt I've been talking to my manager and we're currently seeking a legitimate distributer for a massive line of Michael Appleby jizz-stained apparel. When we finally get ourselves a distributer in place we can begin production. Unfortunately, the line will take a while to produce since, well, I am only one man and I only have so much jizz. I've received a number of assurances that he'll find a way to get me to meet the obviously high demand. Frankly, I'm quite worried.

Anonymous said...

I going to throw up now. Thank you.

Michael said...

And if I actually spelled "distributor" right I would have actually sounded half-way intelligent.

Anonymous said...

its ok to spell thing pho-en-nec-tic-ley if need be. I have no idea how pho-en-nec-tic-ley is spelled but yet I pick up no dictionary. God damm sex tapes! I blame you! YOU!

Michael said...

I'm sorry. It is all my fault.