Thursday, October 13, 2005

The Bottom Ten, October 2005

10.) People Showing Their Disdain For Gas Prices By Riding Horses Everywhere- Okay, yeah, we get it. Gas prices are high. The sky is blue. Grass is green. Where the fuck are you going to park a horse? If I go out to my car one day to find horse shit on the hood I'm going to be royally pissed off.

9.) Jessica Simpson And Nick Lachey's Will They Or Won't They Break Up Saga- How many different magazine covers have been besmirched by this long-running story? 1.7 million. I counted them. How many times have I had to be admitted to the emergency room for breaking my jaw yawning over such a non-story? 1.7 million. I should sue Nick and Jessica for medical costs and for making the "drama" of the world so fucking boring.

8.) The Comeback Of The Care Bears- Is this proof that evolution is, in fact, cyclic as opposed to linear? Does this mean that given a long enough span of time we're all going to be walking around dragging our knuckles on the ground and struggling with the whole making fire deal? A chilling thought. Maybe fads should just stay dead after they've died and I wouldn't have to sit around and ponder these things.

7.) Coffee Shops That Have Branched Into Selling Music- I just get weirded out thinking about one day going into Starbuck's to buy CD's. Can't CD's be sold in record stores anymore? Am I going to have to go to HMV to buy my coffee now? The whole world is going plum loco methinks.

6.) The Proposed Book On Fitness By Dick Cheney- Excuse me, Skeletor, but aren't you like a hard coughing fit away from a pine box? Unless your fitness advice to me is to do the exact opposite of you I'll keep my health and well-being in my own hands, thank you very much.

5.) Martha Stewart Opting Out Of Her Recent Trip To Canada For A Pumpkin Regatta- She must have heard my plans of waiting for her at the border and pelting her with rotten crab apples. It's funny how we go to great lengths to extradite working class criminals and how we would just about kill ourselves to bring a white collar criminal into the country. I would have prayed for her pumpkin to sink under the weight of the massive ego it would have been carrying.

4.) Fox Canceling The Simple Life- Okay, if I made top ten lists this would have been number 1, but since I only do bottom ten lists (for now) this will have to settle for number 4. Don't ask me how my ranking system works. I'm glad I won't have to watch rich, smarmy cunts treat people like shit for a living anymore.

3.) Turkey Leftovers- Turkey is good the day of Thanksgiving, but a week later it's like shoe leather.

2.) Beer Commercials That Remind How Sad My Life Is- Okay, you're the singer in a band, but whatever you do don't sing. I wish I was the singer in a band who wasn't supposed to sing. Sigh.

1.) Martha Stewart In General- So bad is she that I just had to bring her up for an encore. I saw a clip of her talk show while watching her interview on Larry King and all I can say is that the new facade of being warm, funny and personable is still just a facade.


Selina said...

In reference to #7: I managed a Starbucks for 6 hellish months...fight the power, I say! Don't buy the merch and support the world domination.

I order stuff in the "wrong" order just to fuck 'em up, that's my contribution!

Michael said...

Selina, you rebel you.

Stephen in Atlanta said...

In reference to #5 and #1, I personally can't stand her either. Her ego is SOOOOOO big I wonder how she gets her big head through doorways.

If you're a South Park watcher, do you remember the episode where Kartman said that if people ate through their assholes that they'd shit out of their mouths? And it happened? Remember Martha sitting on the turkey? Priceless having that thing up her ass, although I can think of much worse to go up there.

mg said...

RE: Starbucks selling music. I find it infuriating that I have to buy one of the new Dylan discs, The Gaslight Sessions, at Starbucks. They have the exclusive distro rights for it (I think, anyways). However, their price on the Bootleg Series Volume 7 is pretty good. Imperialist bastards!

Michael said...

I missed that episode of South Park, but from the sounds of it I'm going to have to hunt that one down. It's weird because when I try to put a face behind all that is wrong with the world sometime one face that immediately comes to mind is Martha's. I mean there are a few other faces that come to mind when I try to put a face to the source of all that is wrong, but one face that I could definitely make an argument for is hers.

RE: Starbuck's. I wonder if this is just a sign of the times. I wonder if there will be more and more places that branch into selling stuff that is traditionally outside of their product line. Maybe given a long enough timeline every multinational chain will be selling a little bit of everything and given an even longer timeline every multinational chain will be owned by one person.

Selina said...

Have you heard about HMV's "protests" to Starbucks exclusivity contracts? They pull all other albums by said artist, i.e. Bob Dylan...good job, try to make LESS money-that'll show 'em! Fight the Man! Ergh.

Michael said...

Ah yes. I almost forgot about that. When I heard about it I thought it was the worst idea for a protest. I mean, sure, it'll hit the artists being pulled from the shelves financially, but really it's only marginally because those artists are selling their music at Starbuck's now, which makes up for some of that lost income.