The Quest For A More Manly Michael Jackson

This month in Blender magazine's news roundup one story that was given a brief blurb had to do with everybody's favorite Martian, Michael Jackson. It would seem that according to some insiders, the former King of Pop is currently seeking to establish a more macho image for himself. To accomplish this miraculous makeover Michael Jackson plans on lifting weights to attain a beefier appearance and wearing shorter wigs among other penile enhancing techniques.

I wish I had a link to post so that you can verify this story for yourself. You'll just have to take my word for it now unless you pick up the November 2005 issue of Blender featuring a very hot looking Natalie Portman in all her punk glory on the cover.

You know what?

Good for him. Good for Michael.

Obviously this man has done his homework regarding the whole "macho" image. I mean when I think of the manliest men alive (naturally, yours truly numbers among those testerone enriched beefbags) I think of weightlifting and short wigs.

Wait a minute...

Wigs?

He wears a fucking wig? Is he a chemo patient that we haven't heard about? No? Well, what the fuck then?

I know what will make people think of me as being more of a man and less of creepy pedophile! Shorter wigs!

I know, I know. There are other ways he's going to enhance his image to ooze machismo, but come on, wigs?

And why the sudden interest in looking manly? He's already established himself as a certifiable lunatic. Did you see some of the shit he buys when he goes shopping in those posh Las Vegas stores in that Donald Bashir documentary? First of all, when I think of manly men doing manly man things I don't think of shopping in posh Las Vegas stores. What he needs to do is call a press conference where his sole purpose of being there is to leap onto the back of an angry bull and kill it with a pocket knife and gumption. That's manliness.

But Michael, there have been plenty of macho men throughout the ages who didn't have to go through such an absurd ritual to prove their mettle. Why should Michael Jackson have to slay an angry bull?

Well, I don't write the rules. Basically, the way I look at it, he's done so much to build this image of the wacky pseudo-human with the horribly disfigured plastic body who gets a bit too friendly with unassuming kids and lives in a constant state of delusion thinking that he's still relevant to our culture. Now to suddenly become manly, and thus become the antithesis of everything he's already established himself as, he's going to have to kill a fucking bull. I don't write the rules. I just observe them.

But in all seriousness, this just weirds me out. The thought of a "manly" Michael Jackson. It gives me the heebie-jeebies. There are certain archetypes that keep the society balanced, precariously, but balanced nonetheless. One of those archetypes is that of the freakish man/child/alien/attention whore. If this asshole undergoes the transformation into manly man who the fuck is going to take his place?

I suppose the universe rights itself eventually and having a "macho" Michael Jackson going around and talking in a deep voice about how his sleeping with young boys is purely platonic and clearly "manly" might cause some chaos in the order and stability of the cosmos, somebody, somewhere, is going to step up to the plate and restore things to normal by being the freak for a while.

Good luck with the shorter wigs, though.