The life of an internet rockstar has its perks. Grandmothers send me to the mall to buy them cigarettes. Homeless people ask me for change, honest to god, change. Children laugh at me. Women spit at me. I get email from numerous organizations offering to enlarge my penis to mythic proportions. I get a severely reduced interest rate of 27% on my credit card while the rest of you suckers are probably paying like 84% or something like that (maybe I should look into that sometime). So yeah, being an internet rockstar is pretty fucking awesome.
However, part of being a big celebrity is going on tour. Tours are, for the most part, fun for me. It gives me a chance to connect with my fans all over the world. Grandmothers in foreign countries send me to foreign malls to buy them foreign cigarettes. Homeless people ask me for spare change in weird dialects and accents I'm not used to hearing back at home. Children laugh at me still, but they do so while wearing strange clothes that we here in Edmonton, Alberta just aren't used to seeing. Women spit at me, but they do so after I ask them a question as opposed to before. I get email from the same organizations so that pretty much stays the same what with my monstrous penis and all. My credit card interest sores because I'm on the road and not home paying my celebrity bills.
But as with all tours, they must be rigourously scheduled. Many of you who don't go on whirlwind tours probably don't have any clue as to what it's like to be me in that regard. I have to go dedicate the new toilet at the Esso in Red Deer's Gasoline Alley on Highway 2 southbound September 10, at approximately 3:30 depending on the availability of my ceremonial ribbon cutting scissors.
But what I really wanted to announce at this time was that my team of booking agents and publicists have finally got back to me with a new tour date, which means I'll be packing up the Monte Carlo and taking a road trip.
Where are you going, oh fearless leader?
Well, I am going to be reading at the 2005 edition of the Calgary Stroll of Poets festival. It takes place in the Kensington area of town on Sunday, September 11.
My reading is scheduled for sometime between 2:45 p.m. and 3:45 p.m. that afternoon at Pages Books (1135 Kensington Road NW). Tickets are not available because this is a free event. You just have to have to show up to hear me and some other people read some poems and act all elitist because we're poets and that's what poets do. I will be contacting the event organizers to see if I need to have my crack security team frisking everybody at the doors so that none of my "admirers" can empty out my eye sockets with an ice cream scoop and eat my eyes in hopes of somehow inheriting my unique and highly sought after twisted view on daily life much to the horror of my non-ice-cream-scoop-wielding fans who just want to throw panties at me and have premarital sex with me atop stacks of Robert Ludlum books much to the horror of book store managers (I'm still making monthly payments for those fish scented copies of The Matarese Circle).
So anyway, just to reiterate the pertinent information that somehow got washed away by "Robert Ludlum", "fish scented", and "sex" being used in the same massive sentence:
2:45 p.m. - 3:45 p.m.
September 11, 2005
1135 Kensington Road NW
Michael Appleby reads! Be there or be somewhere else! I should hire publicists who can come up with better slogans than that. I mean, Be there or be somewhere else?!?!?!?! What the fuck is Murray smoking that he would think people would want to come to any show being promoted that way? He should share.