Friday, September 02, 2005

How I Married My Way Into Fame: The Kevin Federline Story

Okay, show of hands. How many of you out there actually knew who the fuck Kevin Federline was until he took pure, viginal Britney Spears *snicker* and turned her into hillbilly hoebag Britney Spears Federline or Britney Federline Spears of Trailer Park Barbie (whatever the fuck moniker she goes by)? You see, that's what I thought. He was just some schlub living in a mobile home, drinking Colt .45 and probably fingerbanging his neighbor's daughter. Then out of nowhere like some sort of shitstorm blowing in Britney Spears somehow manages to convince him to settle down.

And you want to know something? I'm happy for their marriage. I truly am. I think it's great that they want to spend the rest of their lives together. I support their decision to pump out babies destined for criminal records. More power to them. People in love are just so adorable that I could puke.

What I'm really having trouble abiding with, though, is the news of Kevin Federline deciding that it's time for him to launch his career in rap music. What the fuck? No, I did type that out properly. Every time I mention it I have to do one of those double takes to make sure that I'm not playing tricks on myself. Holy fuck! I just had to do a fucking triple take that time because then I was sure that if I looked at it a third time somehow the words "career in rap music" wasn't reading "wasting oxygen."

Just move on, old man, move on.

Okay, now that I have my composure back somewhat...

Kevin Federline is all about the credibility, yo! You know that when he raps about popping caps and slappin' hoes you know he's talking from experience, yo! He's got mad flow and he's got skills to pay the bills! He's Kevin fuckin' Federline, yo!

Do you see how fucking ridiculous that sounds? And that's just me, middle class white boy from the suburbs talking.

Now, close your eyes for me. Shut out all the ambient noise and try to imagine for the sake of my argument how much more fucking ridiculous that would sound if it was coming from the trophy husband of an insanely rich pop princess. Oh, you bet your fucking ass he has credibility. Nothing makes the common people get behind you more than opulence. They just love to crank the tunes when they're rapping about being married to a hoebag teen idol in the twilight of her career.

If all you can contribute to the musical landscape is a bunch of party anthems, fuck you! Save your fucking breath because it's been done and it's been done by people I would much rather hear it from than you. If all you can rap on are the virtues of your life of excess, how great your fucking Hummer H2 is, how many Rolexes and Cartiers you strap to your skinny pasty white wrists, how many expensive designer labels you wear when you strut around the trailer park in looking for prepubescent girls to leer at, do us all a favor and shove it up your fucking ass. You have no intentions but the further corruption of the collective human spirit with your materialistic bullshit. You have no concept of how insulting your fame would be to anybody who has ever tried to amount to anything and you should just keep your mouth shut for the benefit of everyone.

This pisses me off. Time and the other resources of record studios are going to be dedicated to feeding some asshat who married his way into fame's ego? Why not, and this may be a stretch, dedicate those same resources to somebody who legitmately has something to say? Are we so bereft of talented artists with actual soul that we have to start asking relatives of famous people to step up and speak for their generation? I fucking cry thinking that hundreds of years from now the people of earth interested in their heritage are going to look to the media of our time and get the impression that ours was the most materialistic and shallow era because some fucktard was given a record contract because he was married to a corporate whore ex-mouseketeer.

That's not to say that there aren't other materialistic and shallow fuckwits holding back the progress of human evolution with their contributions to our culture, but shouldn't we finally draw a line somewhere and say No, we're not going to have any more of this bullshit. Just because you're married famous doesn't mean you're talented. If you want to contribute, prove your fucking mettle or shut the fuck up!

But Michael, Britney Spears says that he's very talented and if he's good enough to impress her then he must be good.

Seriously, step on a rake and pray that it knocks some fucking sense into you. He's married to her. Of course he's talented enough to impress her. He's fucking her. She's a nymphomaniac and she doesn't want to get cut off. You say shit like that to appease your significant other sometimes. Why not get the opinion of somebody who isn't sucking his cock?

Britney Spears: rap mogul? Britney Spears: rap mogul? What the fuck? I know that it's been a little while since Britney Spears has released any recorded material so maybe my memories of what she sang are failing me. Was she the girl who sang that "Oops I Did It Again" or "I'm A Slave 4 U"? She was? Oh shit, my mistake. Clearly, anybody who made a career with songs like those ones is definitely a power in the rap genre. [editor's note: I'm being fucking sarcastic for those of you out there with shitty sarcasm detectors]. Rap on, B-Ritney, rap on! Word up sucka fools. This be how we do that shit back in the mobile home community. Holla!

The bottom line is that record companies can blame their declining sales and the ever-increasing belief that their product is getting shittier and shittier on decisions like encouraging Kevin Federline to rap. I would much rather see somebody who needs to money and is driven more by the need to survive to step up to the mic because he/she is more likely to have something valuable to say. The last thing we need is more shallow bullshit polluting the airwaves and giving us a higher psychic price to pay, to borrow some words from Bill Hicks.

Kevin Federline, please stay home and have sex with your wife. Leave the rapping to somebody more deserving.


Anonymous said...

Right on brotha. You know with fuckers like Kever Federline out there its no wonder I havent got my record deal yet.
Shame on the record companys for being so stupid. Shame.

Michael said...

Apparently the reason you don't have a record deal yet is because you are not married to somebody even marginally famous and you aren't related to anybody who is marginally famous. Apparently it's not what you know, but who you know. And they wonder why sales have been declining. It's because they're banking on no-talent hacks who have linkage as opposed to talent.