Friday, August 12, 2005

A Sucker Is Born Every Minute

First off, let me apologize to those of you who happened across this same piece, or at least a piece that I wrote that is remarkably similar to this on my MySpace blog. I posted what is about to follow there, but for some reason I couldn't see it published after I finished posting it and so it may very well be lost. Maybe it'll surface later. It's impossible to say at this point. I did want somebody to read this, though. So I'm going to try to rewrite it now from my memory. Enjoy.

Yesterday, I got my very first cell phone!

"Wow, Michael, welcome to the 21st century, retard. The rest of us have had cell phones for years. Why bother bragging?"

Well, I'm not really bragging. It's just nice to finally be part of the contemporary world of cell phone users I suppose.

I must admit that pushing myself just a little bit closer and a little bit closer to a brain tumor has so far proven to be fun. I can almost feel the cancer cells hatching!

Anyway, not all has been perfect with the whole cell phone ownership experience so far. The one thing that I've become readily aware of has been how the service providers really like to gouge their customers.

"Wow, you really are a fucking genius, Michael. We've been getting gouged for years and you're just figuring out that the customers are getting gouged now? We are in the presence of genius, sheer genius."

Sarcasm is such an ugly color on you. But seriously, there's something more that I want to get at. I do have a point that I want to make.

Like many cell phone users in the modern day world, I like music. I like a lot of things in fact, but for the purposes of this little tirade I really like music. Some of you who know me have probably noticed me listening to music at some point, talking about music at some point, or just generally dancing like a madman even though there's no music playing and I don't seem to have any pants on (forget that you ever saw me doing that). Anyway, as a fan of music I thought that it would be fucking balls if I bought myself a ringtone off the cute, little internet connection that my cell phone enjoys.

My choice of ringtone? Snoop Dogg's "Drop It Like It's Hot". Some of you have probably heard of this song. Some of you may even like this song. Some of you may have even downloaded this song for your own ringtone (I salute you, my "Drop It Like It's Hot" ringtone brothers and sisters!). When I got to the download screen on my cell phone they had a screen that said you are about to download this song and it'll cost you three dollars plus a service fee for files of a certain size. I figure, sure, why not? I like the song and it would sound pretty fucking cool playing every time somebody calls me on my cell because who could ever get sick of that song? Don't answer that. It's a rhetorical question.

So I agreed to the charge and started my download. I was quite excited to have on my phone this pimped-out song that I could impress total strangers in crowded movie theaters, sold out concerts, hospital rooms, and all these other places where cell phones are not only welcome, but openly encouraged. The song downloaded and I played it for the first time.

And you want to know something? I didn't get "Drop It Like It's Hot", I got the chorus of "Drop It Like It's Hot" not nearly as "Drop It Like It's Hot" as the cell phone internet led me to believe. Let me clarify that a little. I paid three dollars not for the song "Drop It Like It's Hot" but for the chorus to "Drop It Like It's Hot", thirty seconds of "Drop It Like It's Hot".

"So the fuck what?" you're probably asking out loud, maybe shaking your fist at your computer screen in frustration at my pettiness.

Well, when I am on my computer logging onto the big people's internet I can download "Drop It Like It's Hot" for about a dollar or two at most. And you know what? It would be the whole song! Think about it. I could spend two dollars and get the whole song off the internet on my desktop computer or I could spend three dollars to get thirty seconds of that same song on my cell phone. What a fucking bargain!

There is, indeed, a sucker born every minute as the old adage goes.

And you just know there's some guy sitting by a pool somewhere in California right now and he has a computer that just keeps track of how many times poor saps around the world click yes to agree to download "Drop It Like It's Hot" for three dollars because it makes him three dollars richer. Right now that man is smiling because he just got my money! That bastard!

The worst part of this whole life lesson is that I probably still haven't learned my lesson. No wait, scratch that, the worst part is that I'm still such a newbie when it comes to cell phones that I haven't figured out how to change my ringtone in the first place and so I'm stuck with the default ringtone until i can figure out how to annoy people with the chorus to "Drop It Like It's Hot" over and over again while people phone me more and more. It's amazing how popular I am.


Anonymous said...

you know what is amazing about cellphone fucking ownership? Those stupid dumbass piece of cock assholes who think talking on a cellphone is still cool. Who are they talking too? Hello its 1995 you havent been cool for about ten years. If you would like to stand next to that creepy 'uncle' for a mugshot that would be great.

Michael said...

I love how they tend to talk really loud into their cells just to broadcast to the world that they are, indeed, talking on a cellphone. So far I have found that I like to mumble into mine so that if people see me in public and they don't quite see my cell (it is a tiny one) they'll just assume that I'm the crazy drifter kind of guy who likes to publicly talk to myself. That's how you get all the good seats in restaurants in theaters.