Friday, August 12, 2005

Corpses And Their Jewelry

I have a beef. Those of you who knew me before I started this here blog know that sometimes I like to rant about things. The beef I have today has to do with internet spam.

"Oh great, you're going to rant about spam. Way to challenge yourself, you fucking idiot."

Yes, I'm going to rant about spam, but please hear me out before you pass down judgment.

Back in the infancy of the internet, back when Al Gore, the only man who had the gonads to claim responsibility for inventing the internet, invented the fucking internet, it was really no secret that at some point in time this new technology would be utilized as a means of commerce. There were tons of new spaces for advertising. Email was a new avenue of communication with customers on an individual basis. And honest to god kilobytes of porn could be paid for with a credit card! Now that the internet has been around for a while and has had some time to evolve for me to start bitching about the evil commercial side of it all is about as intelligent as smashing my testicles in with a ball-pean hammer (ha ha, get the pun? I'm so fucking clever!). I could see the commercial dominance coming one day. That's what the business world does; it looks for ways to best suffocate new technology with consumerism. You can't fault the tiger for being a tiger. And you can't fault the whore for being a whore.

What I can find fault with though is ignorance.

Case in point. Today, I received an email that was designated as spam by my ISP. Big fucking deal, right? Not really. But, what I found rather intriguing about this one piece of spam that was sent to me was the subject line. It read:

"Tupac prefers Rolex and Cartier"

I'll let the sink in for a second.

For those of you who aren't in the know on who Tupac is, or was, click here. Basically, he was a prominent rapper of the late 20th century if you're a bit too lazy to read the wikipedia thing right now. What's important to note, though, is that he was a murder victim. That means that he's dead. One might argue that the large volume of posthumous album releases by Tupac Shakur suggests that he is, in fact, still alive, but for the purposes of my argument, and as it is generally accepted by the whole world, he is dead.

Now, if you read that subject line from the piece of spam that I received again you might notice what I noticed first. The wording of it isn't Tupac preferred, but rather Tupac prefers, which means, if my calculations are correct, that somebody has dug up Tupac's corpse to find out which brands of watch it recommends. This, my dear readers, is how fucking sick and twisted the advertising world has become.

That's right, folks! We here at Bling Bling Emporium have spared no expense in exhuming the remains of late great rapper and poet Tupac Shakur to see which Bling is best for you! After numerous hours of getting the maggot-infested carcass to try on different brands and styles, we found that it responded most favorably to Rolex and Cartier! That means, folks, we're having our first ever Tupac Shakur Rolex and Cartier Summer Blowout! Stop by our website for these amazing deals! But hurry, once the maggots and bacteria finish decomposing the body this sale is over!

Okay, okay. So that's probably not what happened. At least I hope it isn't. I have a lot of respect for the work that Tupac did and the fame he was able to secure himself in his lifetime, so it's definitely best to let the dead have some rest, don't you think? The alternative, though, is just as disconcerting to me, though.

I can accept the fact that I'm going to be bombarded with advertising all over the internet. As a human being living in the developed world I have learn to come to terms with the fact that everywhere I go and everything that I do will be linked to some sort of corporate entity always. I'm okay with that. No use fighting.

But come on! Couldn't you lazy fucks at least do some fact checking before you try to hawk your goods to me? I mean, this isn't even a case of Tupac being recently deceased just before the spam was sent to me. He's been gone nine fucking years! That's almost a decade! I mean, hey, if you really want my money that badly at least inspire me to want to give you my money because you are selling quality products endorsed by celebrities who don't have earthworms tunneling through their eye sockets right now, not because I pity you and your obvious mental retardation. I mean is it so hard to find a living breathing celebrity willing enough to whore himself or herself out for Rolex of Cartier watches? Apparently it is. If you're going for the whole pity dollar approach at least find a way to use the technology we have to turn the 'R' in 'Rolex' backwards and maybe the 'e' as well, you know so you can work with that whole dumb kid with a lemonade stand vibe. Then, at least, you'd really look like mental dwarves instead of incompetent jackasses.

Also, keep sending me some more offers for penis enlarging pills, morons, they really work! I mean seriously, have you actually counted the number of different people trying to sell bigger dicks in an average day's spam? There are 13 million different things that you can try to sell on the internet, 12.999 million of those things are penis enlarging pills.


Anonymous said...

can we touch on the more serious issue here? WHo are those stupid mother fecking morons who actually click on those ads? Ohh a pop ad must click...cant help it must...know what I ...could win ..if clicked....? Fucking william shatner yes the guy from the pricline commercials. It must be him. cant you tell? The pauses the stupidity its his calling card of sorts. Fecking shite. yes Im scottish now.

Michael said...

Well, I must admit that I've caught myself clicking on the odd pop-up ad back in the day when all a pop-up ad needed a picture of a gigantic rack and I would just follow the whim of my pants and lo and behole I would be magically whisked away to a penile enlargement pill site. I suppose they had to show a nice rack on the pop-up ad to sell penile enlargement pills because if I had seen a gigantic penis I probably wouldn't have clicked on it.

Anonymous said...

you know you would have...

Michael said...

Okay, okay...maybe I would have, but I would have done it strictly out of scientific curiosity.