Monday, April 28, 2008

Declaration Of Independence (For Cocks)

Man, you know what I saw on T.V. the other day? Another Cialis commercial. It doesn't really matter how clever they write the ads for any of the boner pills out there, every time I see them I get a little bit angry.

Now, don't get me wrong, I think it's great that I get to see commercials with middle-aged shlubs dancing around in public and singing the praises of their chemically induced hard-ons, maybe doing some sort of trombone pantomime with their penises. What irritates me, though, is the fact that we live in an age of men needing pills to even just be physically able to fuck their wives and/or girlfriends and/or alternative lifestyle partner and/or hapless barnyard orifice (I think that is the first time in human history that anybody has put those three words together). It seems to me that men just were able to get hard-ons without so much chemical dependency. Where along our evolutionary track did we lose that ability? I hate to think that someday I will be relegated to the same fate as some guy who feels it's necessary to Gene Kelly my way into the workplace singing about my schlong to my coworkers and getting high-fives for something as simple as increasing blood flow to my crotch.

I'm sure that those of you out there whom I work with, have worked with, or will work with are probably dreading the day that I twirl into work and fill you all in on how I got it up. Sure, I'll probably get fired for filling you all in on such matters and I'll probably get sued for sexual harassment by some of you sensitive types, but getting a stiffy is worth all the legal hassle and unemployment in the world.

But back to the matter at hand...

So seeing the Cialis commercial the other day made me think about the downfall of man. Quite literally a downfall when we're talking about hard dicks. And after some quiet deliberation and a lot of consideration I think I've arrived at the source of the problem itself. The problem is the hard-on itself. It used to be that back in the day a man could walk around with a hard dick all day long. He'd go into the corner store with his hat dangling from him crotch. He'd go to the supermarket and use it to weigh bananas. He'd prop open doors with it. Essentially, what men had was a fifth limb. And they could use it for sex, which was nature's way of rewarding such a versatile piece of meat.

Then, somewhere along the way, men were taught to be ashamed of their hard-ons. I can't pinpoint at which point in history that it happened, but suffice to say that if you walked into the corner store with your hat hanging on your naughty bit somebody would gasp like you just raped a donkey in the candy aisle. Basically, the world got itself really, really sensitive to the concept of a man having blood circulating to his cock. Years passed and men had to change their way of thinking. Instead of thinking, "Damn it, where's a fucking coat hook when you need one?" they started thinking "Oh man, I hope I don't get a hard-on because that would be so embarassing right now."

Basically our brains started to shut out cocks down.

Now we need pills just to have sex. How sad is that? The ghosts of cavemen, Henry Miller, and James Dean are laughing at us men right now. Some lot we turned out to be.

So, I have a proposal, more of a declaration of independence for cocks I suppose. Men, you have to change your way of thinking about things lest you wake up one day and need Cialis to give you a boner for 36 hours (I'm not even sure why you would want one for that long). If you think something dirty or you see a beautiful girl or you just need a coat hook or a door jam, just let it happen. Societal norms be damned! Fucking political correctness is ruining the species! The less you try to stifle a hard-on when you don't need one, the more likely you'll get one when you want one, and without the fucking pills.

Your cock, the cavemen, Henry Miller, and James Dean will thank you.

1 comment:

heavymetalpetal said...

"to Gene Kelly my way into the workplace" hahaha.... i love that.