Tuesday, December 05, 2006

The Bottom Ten, November 2006 (At Last!)

Thank you for your patience. I would have had it up sooner, but it was an exhausting weekend for me at work.

10.) Britney Spears Going Commando- Click here. I almost want to devote a whole rant to this topic because I find it so, so, so captivating a topic and I feel like I could expound on this for days. Seriously, Britney Spears has been photographed by members of the paparazzi not only wearing a short skirt (gasp!), but also wearing no panties (double gasp!). For shame, Britney Spears! You've tarnished the wholesome image that you've established in my mind forever. Now when I see you, for all intents and purposes, nude in one of your music videos I'll won't have to wonder if you wear underwear when you go out in public because I'll have photographic evidence that you don't. So not only does she parade around in hoochie mama MILFwear in her videos, but she has the nerve to go without underwear when she's among the members of the public at large. I certainly hope she loses her custody battle for this because, people with no underwear on? No child could ever hope to be raised properly by a parent who chooses to not wear underwear. Everybody knows that parenting skills come from underwear. Hitler's parents didn't wear underwear and look how he turned out.

9.) The Arms Race Of Toothbrushes- Click here. There are probably a few of you out there who brush their teeth from time to time. I brush sometimes too. I just became aware of the Oral-B Triumph, an ICBM of a toothbrush if ever one existed. Seriously, who's obsessing over their toothbrushing habits that they have to time themselves and adjust the types of brushing they're doing? How much cleaner are your teeth going to be with a fucking onboard computer on your toothbrush? And you know what, there comes a point when teeth get too white and it's freakish to look at. Is that what you really want? Try not to look like an outcast from the human race, brush low-tech!

8.) The Hot Wheels Radar Gun- Click here. Ahhhh, just in time for Christmas! Finally, a radar gun for kids! I've always wondered how fast Billy was traveling on his skateboard, now I'll know. This has the potential to be interestingg for exactly 8 minutes! I'd be able to clock one or two things, realize that it's lame, and move onto petty vandalism and arson for fun. A big pat on the back to the kids who appear in the commercial for this travesty of a product for doing everything in their power to make it look exciting. But seriously, all I can do is clock how fast things are going? Yawn!

7.) The Jesus Doll- Click here. And since I'm on the topic of toys why not talk about the Jesus doll that a Toys For Tots program rejected, albeit temporarily? It was rejected for a time because the Marine Reserves didn't want to offend members of other religions by giving their underprivileged children talking Jesus dolls. This is an interesting debate because on one hand you want to be mindful of the plurality of society as a whole, but on the other hand Christmas is traditionally supposed to be a Christian holiday, and....wait a minute....I lost my train of though....somebody makes a talking Jesus doll? If you want a child to get beat up by his peers for having lame toys get him or her a talking Jesus doll. The Marine Reserves should have upheld their decision to reject this toy not so much on the whole religious debate, but simply because they don't want to make children cry for getting a horrible gift. Wow, I wish I had doll that I could just pull a string on and listen to it preach to me. Play time just isn't play time without religiou propaganda spewing forth from a doll.

6.) The Police- No not the 80's rock band fronted by Sting. Click here. I'm talking about the real police. I mean if you can't get a good crack high lighting up in a police car I don't know what this world is coming to. The poor guy in this news story is being charged with third degree arson for torching a police car while trying to smoke some crack. If the police had been doing their jobs none of this legal hassle would be necessary because they would have been holding the lighter for him. It used to be that police force was in place to help the public, but now? It's all about the doughnuts. It's common knowledge that the best highs come from inside police cars. All this guy wanted was that peak and all he got were third degree arson charges.

5.) Four Words That Should Have Never Appeared In The Same Sentence- Dustin Diamond Sex Tape.

4.) The Dustin Diamond Dirty Sanchez- Children who are raised by parents who refuse to wear underwear and give gifts like talking Jesus dolls and Hot Wheels Radar Guns are apt to grow up into recipients of a Dustin Diamond Dirty Sanchez. That's how you know you've hit rock bottom in your life, getting the old Dirty Sanchez from Screech.

3.) Fruit Cakes- An even shittier gift than anything I've already menioned (aside from a video of Dustin Diamond administering a Dirty Sanchez because that's just Christmas gold) are fruit cakes. Where the fuck do all of the fruit cakes come from this time of year? Have you ever seen anybody make a fruit cake? No! Have you ever seen anybody eat a fruit cake? Hell no! Fruit cake is made by ninjas and delivered with perfect stealth upon unsuspecting victims then it is regifted because nobody wants a fruit cake. I'm not sure why ninjas do this to people, but it's the cruelest fucking holiday joke I can think of.

2.) Hypocrisy- And the sad part is that there is probably a fruit cake wrapped out there with my name on it from somebody who thought, "Wow, Michael likes fruit and I fucking hate fruit cakes. This will make a perfect gift and I won't even have to do any shopping for that asshole!" Then, I'll open the gift and have to pretend that it's absolutely the best gift I ever got. Ever. Then next year I'll be giving that same fruit cake to somebody else as a gift and they'll have to do the same damn thing. It's cyclic. Like a bloodstream of shitty baked goods.

1.) Porno Plots- Okay, seriously. If you're writing a script for a porno movie and you feel the need to incorporate some kind of plot or story into the movie could you, from now on, at least make a decent plot to follow or no plot at all. I understand that you have only a minimal amount of time to devote to story development because the producers want to have most of the movie for the naughty bits, but come on, if all it really took to get a woman to have sex with me was to give her a credit check and tell her that her credit was bad and that she would have to find some way to get me to approve her vehicle lease, well then, I'm in the wrong line of work. I use that credit check line all the time and still no sex. Also, why are there so many guys hanging around a used car dealership's office anyway? And what kind of used car salesman brings handcuffs to work? A fucking whip!?!? Do you see what I mean? All these little things take away any enjoyment of your cinematic creation. It can't be that hard to come up with some plausibility, could it?

And for god's sake, DO NOT try to work a Dustin Diamond Dirty Sanchez into the storyline! Just saying those words makes me vomit just a little. Those poor, poor girls.

4 comments:

Mike G said...

Ah Mikey, this list is pure gold. That Dustin Diamond link is...I dunno...disgusting yet fascinating? Where the hell do you find this stuff?

Michael said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Michael said...

I just soak this shit up like a sponge.

Kyla said...

I laughed SO hard when I read this post. Hilarious!

I've got my own theories on fruitcake...They seem like things that are grown in the kind of environment where food is less grown and more spawned. Or maybe they originate from fruitcake spores. Something gross anyways.