There are a lot of people who, like me, got really excited when they heard the news that there was going to be a live-action Transformers movie going into production. And there are probably many more of you who don't have a clue as to whatever the fuck it is I'm talking about. You're sitting there, just scratching your head, probably dressed in ill-fitting boxer shorts and saying:
Michael, I don't know what the fuck you're talking about.
Transformers. You know. Those toys from way back in the day. You'd see a car or a plane or a dildo and then KABLAMMO! it's a fucking fighting robot! And, holy shit, did those robots have some adventures. Really, it was all subject to the limits of a child's imagination what those toys could do.
I made my Transformers engage in heated debates over existentialism. Starscream would quote Sartre and Optimus Prime would offer his rebuttal in the form of a gun blast right between the fucking robot eyes. Optimus Prime was never much for debate.
Anyway, I'm veering off topic with that. Back to the task at hand. So there you are, probably giddy trying to imagine what a Transformers live action movie would look like. Or, if you've just found out what a Transformer was you're probably changing your boxer shorts after shitting yourself because, brother, those little robots are everywhere. They could be right behind you right now. Made you look.
So, then you find out that Michael Bay is the man who's directing the movie and your expectations go from, "Oh my god I could just shit my pants I'm so excited to see this movie!" to"Oh my god, why, Michael Bay, why? Couldn't the producers hire somebody competent to direct this movie?!?!?!"
Why reading a little blurb about the upcoming Michael Bay movie "Transformers: The Movie" on CominSoon.net (Please, Michael Bay, don't fuck it up like you did everything else you've directed) I stumbled across news of a contest that the screenwriters for the film are having in which random assholes and idiots get to submit lines that Optimus Prime should say. The winner, of course, will get to hear Optimus Prime utter the winning line next summer when Michael Bay potentially disappoints all of us into a homicidal rage.
Okay, I can deal with the fact that it looks like at lease 0.02% of the dialogue in the movie will be written by somebody who probably has no business owning a computer or any sort of writing implement. Good for him. I hope he's enjoying being the proud owner of opposable thumbs.
What bugs me, though, is that without actually seeing the movie how the fuck would anybody know what Optimus Prime needs to say? I'm no expert on continuity, but you can't just have Optimus fucking Prime blurt out, "Oh Bumblebee, fuck me with your robot cock!" if the Transformers movie has no robot-on-robot sex scenes. I have a feeling that half the lines I've submitted already have probably been eliminated from the contest because the film isn't going to be pornographic in the slightest. But then again, I have about as much of a clue as to what's going to happen in the movie as anybody else at this point.
So not only does it look like there's the very real possibility that Transformers is going to be a huge let-down at the box office next summer, but it also looks like 0.02% of the dialogue in the movie won't make any fucking sense at all and could possibly involve the words: "robot cock." My fingers are crossed for all the right reasons.