Friday, February 10, 2006

The Lives Of The Plastic Ones

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Wow. Barbie and Ken might be getting back together after two years of being apart. No, seriously, folks, this is an actual news story. Alright, calm down. I think you're hyperventilating. Take slow breaths. I know that many of you can hardly contain youg excitement over this latest development from Mattel, but you should really calm the fuck down.

Barbie and Ken might be getting back together.

Holy shit! Saying it again like that just got to me and now I'm hyperventilating. Okay, calm down, old boy. Calm, blue ocean. Calm, blue ocean. Repeat after me. Calm, blue ocean. Calm, blue ocean. Okay, now just give me a second to change my pants. It seems in all that excitement over the made-up bullshit lives of some chunk of plastic and her on-again, off-again fuck-buddy piece of plastic I seem to have soiled myself.

Five minutes later...

Awwww fuck, I did it again. Be right back.

Five minutes later and a third pair of pants...

Ken, who appears to have spent time in the gym and at the stylist, returns wearing a beach-wear ensemble complete with board shorts and white T-shirt.

For her part, Barbie publicist Lauren Dougherty said Barbie "appreciates the new look Ken is sporting. He really looks great. But we'll have to stay tuned to see whether these two will get back together."

At a press conference unveiling Ken, Bloch said the company was going for a "worldly, European thing," and "definitely wanted to be looking hot."

Why the fuck does any of this matter? No, seriously. Who wakes up each day and wonders, 'I wonder if Ken and Barbie are back together yet.' There has to be people out there who do that. I mean you don't just have a press conference and start discussing the lives of pieces of fucking plastic unless somebody out there was actively expressing interest in that kind of shit.

Think about it. There is a significant number of people in this world who are moved enough by the love life of Barbie that they hired a fucking publicist for a doll and had a press conference to discuss it. And you can't just say it's one or two people out there who are affected by it. You don't schedule a press conference and get attention from the media unless the numbers are there.

So, then, with that in mind, knowing that there are a significant number of people who give a shit as to what goes on with Barbie and Ken, doesn't that make you the slightest bit uneasy? Sure, a few of them are probably grounded enough to realize that interest in this bullshit is sort of a lark, but you know that there are probably just as many of those people who are so out-of-touch with reality that they would split your skull open and eat the gooey insides if you try to suggest that none of this is actually real. Maybe some of those freaks are people whom you trust with your life. They could be doctors. They could be politicians. They could be members of the police force. Or firefighters. Or paramedics. You just don't know.

Sleep tight.

And seriously, a publicist? For a fucking doll? I bet that looks great on the old resume. Publicist for a doll. I don't know if I could ever be paid enough to not only pretend in public that my doll client is real, but also that her love life matters to the members of the public.

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