The Bottom Ten, November 2005

10.) Waterproof Uno Cards- Who the fuck goes to the pool to play Uno? Why do I get the tingle up my spine that tells me that in a boardroom some committee was trying to come up with a way to better their product, in this case Uno cards, and the best they could come up with was to waterproof them since there was an increasing demand on the part of deep sea divers and olympic swimmers for aquatic card games? Certainly the best way to improve any card game is to make it capable of an underwater setting.

9.) The Default Profile Settings On sms.ac- For those of you not in the know, sms.ac is kind of like a myspace.com site where people can post their profiles and meet others near and far, socializing with them through the magic of the internet. This service sets itself apart by virtue of the fact that you can register your cell phone with your account to receive text messages from your online friends. Why is it making the list? The default settings make it so that every time somebody wants to add you to his/her buddy list you get a text message. They cost money to receive and you are likely to get a ton of them. The kicker? Not one person who has added me as a friend has actually ever tried to contact me. If you go through this service make sure you set it so that you don't get text message notification of people trying to add you to their buddy lists.

8.) Pretty White Girls Who Go Missing- Really I have nothing against pretty white girls, but consider the fact that every day there are hundreds of people who go missing. Yet, if you watch the news, the only people who ever go missing that need to be mentioned are pretty white girls. Has anybody who isn't a former beauty pageant contestant been kidnapped? Apparently not. The message is that if you plan on going missing make sure you get the necessary surgery to transform you into a pretty white girl so that the media will notice. You just have to love objective journalism, don't you?

7.) Scientology- I blame you for Tom Cruise going bat-shit crazy and for John Travolta's horrible romp through the shitastic Battlefield Earth. For those two reasons alone you are a religion that should be relegated to Dungeons & Dragons basement nerd cult status.

6.) People Upset At Holiday Trees- Believe it or not there are still people in North America who still think that the whole population is Christian. These are the same people who get upset with cities like Boston who call their civic decorated spruce trees "Holiday Trees" say, as opposed to, "Christmas Trees." Is it all just PC bullshit? Yes it is, but for fuck's sake it's trivial. For all I care they can call it "Tree Loaded Down With Too Much Gaudy Shit" and I would still see it for what it is: a staple of a highly commercialized holiday season. If you can point out where in the Bible Santa comes down and leave presents under an evergreen for all the good girls and boys I'll let you call it a "Christmas Tree" again. Until then get over yourself and try to cope with the undeniable fact that we live in a melting pot. Santa died for your sins so try to at least honor his teachings.

5.) Tyrell Owens- I'm not a huge NFL fan, but I know a gigantic asshat when I see one. Having talent is one thing, but if you're not a team player in a team sport you're useless.

4.) iBoxers by PLAY- What are iBoxers, you ask? Well, simply put, they're men's boxer shorts with an extra pocket sewn in for a place to put your iPod. You know what? iPods are everywhere, I can deal with that. In fact, I'm giving careful consideration to buying one myself. However, who the fuck is really that desparate for another pocket to cram full of iPod that they would consider letting one ride in a sweaty pocket right next to their sweaty junk? I would hate to imagine my grief if I rolled over on my morning wood and crushed my iPod and I've had some mighty, mighty moring wood before.

3.) Michael Jackson Controversies- Does anybody take anything that Michael Jackson does seriously anymore? The latest controversy? He's made antisemitic comments in voice mail messages that have now surfaced in the media two years after they were made. What I don't get is why anybody gives a shit what a formerly accused child molestor has to say about Jews. Formally accused child molesters rank just above presently accused child molestors and two notches above convicted child molestors on my scale of credibility. If I were Jewish and a formally accused child molestor made disparaging comments about my people I'd give myself a big old pat on the back.

2.) XBox 360 Stampedes- Ohmygod! Ohmygod! Ohmygod! I have to be the first to own a gltichy, overpriced gaming console because if I don't get one I will be the laughing stock of all humanity and I'll have to move to Siberia to live underneath a rock. Fuck, people, it's called "patience." From what I've read about the supplies of XBox 360's, there will be plenty of glitchy overpriced gaming consoles from Microsoft to go around.

1.) Police Ticketing For Profits- Word in Calgary is that police have been asked to issue out an additional million dollars worth of tickets over the next year or so because the city's budget wasn't as good as it was hoped to be. Aren't traffic laws and such in place for public safety and sanctity? Yes. Let me get this straight then. If the citizens of Calgary were to theoretically improve their behavior and abide by the law more over the next year you would still issue out the additional million dollars in tickets because you have a fucking quota? How exactly can this logic lead anybody to believe that the police force is here to keep the public safe? The extra sad part is that Calgary isn't the only municipality where shit like this goes on.